I have been married almost twenty years and am in my early forties. For context, I grew up in an extremely conservative religious environment which I left when I was 20, I met DH when I was 22. This is definitely relevant as I think the choices I have made and the way I do things now is still influenced by how I grew up.
Our marriage has been good in a lot of respects, even though we barely knew each other when we did get married. We communicate okay, we laugh a lot and I would consider him my best friend. He is a good dad to our dc and there is definitely no abuse or anything like that. Although I am certainly not perfect, our marriage has been hugely affected by his selfishness - he comes from a culture and a family where the man's needs and wants are paramount and women come second. I, of course, knew this when I married him, but was young enough to think he would change and that us living in my home country would also help. He has definitely improved since I married him, but over the years both my physical and mental health have been affected by this - I have taken on responsibility for everything and it has left me pretty much a wreck. In saying this though, I think we could bumble on okay, I realise I have it better than a lot of people and dc are happy.
Today we have had a huge fight as I have felt overwhelmed once again with doing everything on lockdown - I am working (he isn't as we have moved to a new country for my work and he is waiting for a visa), but I am doing the homeschooling for the youngest (he can't cope and I just take over), most of the cooking and cleaning and dealing with dc. I said something stupid about doing it all and he got angry, and things have been at a stalemate since then.
Another complicating factor is I think I have started perimenopause, I have aching joints, strange periods and can't sleep that well. I'm just waiting for the hot flushes to turn up before I go to the doctor. Anyway, this seems to have let loose a latent attraction to woman that I think I have been squashing down my entire life (see the religious upbringing). I am wrestling with this huge desire to be with a woman, not just physically but emotionally as well, and I have no idea what to do about this. I really don't want to devastate my family just because of how I am feeling, my dc are the most important thing to me. For a disclaimer I should say my mum came out when she was in her forties, and left to be with a woman - it had a huge impact on my father and me, so I can't imagine doing this.
So I have come here for some advice. Do I go and see a counsellor to try and work out my feelings? Wait for perimenopause to be over as that may help? Try and fix my marriage for my dc sake? Just try not to think about it? I can't talk to DH about this as he will absolutely and unequivocally leave me, which if I'm honest would be fair enough. I don't know what to do, I'm just a bit lost.