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Relationships

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Original poster

DH has never told me he loves me.......

42 replies

Unlovable · 03/05/2020 13:56

We’ve been together 26 years! He has said it in response to me asking him if he loves me with ‘yes, of course’ but he’s never actually said ‘ I love you’. Not even when he proposed or on our wedding day. He even just signs cards with his name. No ‘love from’. I had never really noticed it until recently. I have often said it to him many times him over the years totally unprompted because I do!

I come from an abusive family where I was never shown any affection, certainly was not told I was loved, nor did I feel it and I’m coming to middle age now and the realisation that I have never felt loved by anybody in my whole life really (discounting DCs as I mean feeling loved for being me rather than being Mum).

I’ve brought it up with him a few times over the years but he’s always said I was being ‘silly’ apart from one occasion after a row where he quite candidly told me that he never planned to be with me permanently when we got together and was planning to break up with me just before we found out I was pregnant with DC1 and because of that he couldn’t. We had been together for over 2 years, living together for 18 months and he knew I wanted DC with him as were not using contraception at that point. This was said 17 years later but he did ‘care’ about me. He did apologise much— later and said he didn’t mean it but you can’t take something back like that can you? After that I kind of feel he married me under false pretences and I am very resentful of him as it makes me feel like he is just putting up with me for the DC.

I just feel that I want to experience feeling loved for once in my life and he can’t/won’t give me that.

It feels like I’m humiliating myself being with someone I love but who doesn’t feel the same way about me.

Is that a selfish reason for breaking up a family? TBH I thought I’d be the last person to consider divorce after going through it with my own parents and then being NC with my father so effectively losing him, but I am seriously considering it.

OP posts:

Tigersneeze · 03/05/2020 14:01

he quite candidly told me that he never planned to be with me permanently when we got together and was planning to break up with me just before we found out I was pregnant with DC1 and because of that he couldn’t.

this is rather painful yo read.

i think you deserve better, what do you think OP?

Bertucci · 03/05/2020 14:05

I don't know the answer but that is so sad. To even have to ask him...

I think some people can live happily like this. My friend's partner of 20+ years never tells her he loves her and I have seen cards from him to her which he has just signed 'from ....'.

She accepts his limitations, but I know she'd love a bit of romance. Her partner has Asperger's btw.

LellyMcKelly · 03/05/2020 14:09

My first thought was Aspergers too. Has he ever told anyone else he loves them? Does he treat you well? Is he kind and thoughtful?

SandyY2K · 03/05/2020 14:12

That's the truth. He doesn't love you. He likes you enough to not leave and probably has love for you as the mother of his children...but it doesn't sound like romantic love.

he knew I wanted DC with him

But did he want them with you? Did you explicitly tell him you were not using contraception and were trying for a baby?

I would have made plans to leave when he told you the truth. I would feel deeply unhappy and it would make me depressed to stay knowing the truth.

Butterymuffin · 03/05/2020 14:14

I think you should tell him what you said in the second paragraph of your OP, and then that this is not silly, it's a massive deal for you, so much so that it may lead to divorce. Don't allow him to dismiss it as being 'silly'.
Does anyone else know? Could you talk it over with a friend?
How is the marriage generally?

Original poster

Unlovable · 03/05/2020 14:27

Not Aspergers. We have a DC with ASD though. He tells hugs his Mum and sisters and tells them he loves them no problem. The DC too.

He attended the hospital with me when I had my fallopian tubes checked as I hadn’t got pregnant after a year of no contraception Sandy. I couldn’t remember him saying he didn’t want DC with me at the time! He could have easily walked then. In fact at anytime. He didn’t have to marry me when DC1 was 3 months old either.

DC4 was only 2 when he told me that, our DC3 had just been diagnosed with ASD and I’d was in therapy for my childhood. I couldn’t even think about leaving then.

OP posts:

GinWeasley · 03/05/2020 14:37

No, I don't think it's a selfish reason. You deserve to be loved. If he tells other people he loves them, there's obviously something in what he said to you all that time ago.

But it's his problem, not yours. He is in the wrong here and he has cheated you. It isn't fair. I would want to find a loving relationship too in your shoes.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 03/05/2020 16:27

I'm sorry OP. It must really hurt when you hear him telling others what you want to hear.

How did you end up together and married if he's never said the words?

There's so much meaning behind those 8 little letters. It would be a shame to live your life without feeling cherished by someone. If he can't provide that will you leave him and find someone who does?

kittensinspace · 03/05/2020 17:00

Maybe he didn't love you at first, but has grown to? I mean, you've been together 26 years! He must be happy with you.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 03/05/2020 17:05

Does he do nice things for you? I’m not thinking of flowers or candle lit dinners but things that show love rather than say it.

Some people express love in different ways. Now if he doesn’t seem to do anything caring for you, it may be worth considering if your relationship is still going on, can be savaged or not.

billy1966 · 03/05/2020 17:08

A very sad post OP.

I think you were mislead by him.

If he doesn't love you, he can't force himself too.

I think you have every right to want to be loved.

It certainly isn't silly.

Stop thinking of others, think of what you want.

TowandaForever · 03/05/2020 17:11

Are you sure he isn’t on the autistic spectrum. There is a strong genetic component to it.

OhLook · 03/05/2020 17:14

I wouldn't stay with him. He's wasted 26 years of your life!

Oxyiz · 03/05/2020 17:14

Jesus. Quit with the autism stuff. We autistic people are incredibly capable of loving people. And non-autistic people are incredibly capable of being assholes like this.

Oxyiz · 03/05/2020 17:15

But no OP, of course its not selfish to split up because your husband doesn't love you the way you want. I can't imagine a worse way to live.

Butterymuffin · 03/05/2020 17:17

How would him being autistic explain him telling his family he loves them but not his wife? Also, what @Oxyiz said.

Bluntness100 · 03/05/2020 17:19

Op he told you that several years ago though? He’s always been the same. Why are you questioning it now? Has something changed?

june2007 · 03/05/2020 17:20

My husband has but doesn,t like saying it. As he says it,s not what you say it,s what you do. On one hand I think cop out on the other hand I think he is right.

wonderrotunda · 03/05/2020 17:28

I wonder if there is simply a ‘block’ on him vocalising it.
I was always able to say it to a partner and child of course, but could never say it to my mum or dad, until my dad was literally on his death bed in hospital.
I’ve often wondered about it and think that in my head it’s something (like in films) that you say romantically, and you don’t feel romantic about your parents. Perhaps he feels similarly but the other way around...that it’s something a child and parent say, but no one else. That is ‘taken’. I certainly loved my parents, and do my brothers, but vocalising it? No.

HollowTalk · 03/05/2020 17:29

I feel really sad that you've never felt loved. If he hadn't said it but you felt loved by him, it would be different.

If you think of a life without him, how does it look?

YouJustDoYou · 03/05/2020 17:33

Oh god what an awful.thing to hear. What on earth is he playing at?

campion · 03/05/2020 17:37

He obviously doesn't understand why you want him to say it. Depends if he expresses love in other ways. Is he caring,supportive, good company,helpful for example? Could you imagine life being better without him? Or worse?

You've asked him and he always says yes. I suspect there may well be some asd traits there,in which case he'd probably say 'no' if he really didn't love you!

If this is your only concern then it's not worth breaking up over.

Getlostu · 03/05/2020 18:16

Wow. Just wow. This isn’t anything to do with autism! I have a child on the spectrum and he’s very loving when he’s in the mood to. I absolutely feel for you OP. You really can’t unhear what he said. It was so detailed that it must be what he was thinking. It’s a very weird thing to make up. He was going to split up with you because he didn’t love you but you got pregnant. That’s not good enough is it? After your childhood you deserve somebody better than this. You deserve to be wanted! I couldn’t carry on with a man who had said this and I don’t think you should either. You’re wasting your life on a man who probably won’t even shed a tear if you passed away. How sad is that.

Original poster

Unlovable · 03/05/2020 18:30

I suppose sourcing me some anti bac wipes could be his way of showing love .

It was our wedding anniversary last week. He didn’t get me a card although had ample opportunity to do so. DD had to nag him to get me some flowers. I felt like shit handing over my card to him. Later on I wanted to take a picture of us so he could put it on Facebook. I haven’t got Facebook anymore and I only suggested it to see what he’d say as he never puts pictures of us together on there, only of himself alone or with the DC (no relationship status either). He insisted on taking about 6 pictures until he looked just right in it and then put a banner over it for something totally unrelated!

Same on Valentines Day. No card. DD said she had to have a go at him to get me some flowers then as well.

This is a common theme. If he/I go away on our own he won’t think to check in or say he misses me or anything like that. I’ll ring him during the day while he’s at work but he won’t ring me. It’s definitely out of sight out of mind.

There were a few lies told by him at the beginning of our relationship and I know now with hindsight why he got with me (too outing to explain) but I was very young and naive then plus for me it was love at first sight and I did truly love him. Even ditched someone else to be with him (no cheating involved but guy asked me to wait for him while he was posted abroad in the Forces). I have had suspicions that he may have cheated in the past or at least been tempted to. I even used to think that I didn’t blame him for doing so as I have struggled with my MH and my weight over the years. He has never been supportive of that and has shamed me over it but I’ve also behaved badly to him out of frustration.

I’m just sick of feeling that he thinks he’s too good for me. I have pretty low self esteem due to childhood conditioning and I don’t think I’ll ever feel better about myself while in a relationship like this.

I’d have been the first to think I was being a selfish, self indulgent navel gazer if I’d read this a few years ago but now I do think I deserve better.

I do worry I’d be the one who ends up on my own though, while he finds someone else and I’d feel even worse. Better to alone than feel alone while in a relationship though? I don’t think DC would be too surprised if we split really. Obviously how they dealt with it would be dependent on how we behave but I don’t think he’d let me go that easily.

OP posts:

Whatsnewpussyhat · 03/05/2020 18:52

Sorry op, that's awful. Your DD is paying attention to how her father treats you. Show her this is not ok and leave him. Give yourself space, time and chance to find out what being loved feels like.

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