Please someone tell me how you managed to do this? It is impossible for me

[Albertandtracey]

I don’t know where to begin as I feel so messed up confused and lonely.

I’m 34 and all I have ever wanted is a family. I have had a couple of relationships where I lived with someone, around 3-4 years each. Nothing dramatic happened they just ended as relationships sometimes do. I’ve met so many people, online dated lots, sometimes 3 times a week, joined clubs, volunteered, changed jobs, asked friends if they know anyone I could be introduced to, widened my search and tried to be open minded.

Last year I met someone I was very into, resulted in a pregnancy that I terminated as he was very clear that he didn’t want to go ahead so soon. This left me devastated as I would have gone ahead with a family with him. I keep thinking maybe I should have carried on and had the baby alone. It was all very early on and the termination happened fast, just a heavy period. I can’t help thinking I made a mistake.

So here I am, alone, watching literally everyone I know around me get married, but homes, have children, go on honeymoons, the list goes on. I feel like a ghost, watching in the sidelines.

On the outside my life looks great, home, money, family. None of which I give a shit about and would give up in a second to have a settler family life. I have tired everything, I’ve made lists of what I am looking for, I’ve discarded lists and been open minded, I’ve had a break from dating, I’ve dated loads. I’ve focused on other things, I’ve focused on finding someone. No matter what I do, here I am, alone again.

I don’t know where to go from here. Having a sperm donor or adopting is not the answer for me although I know it is for others. Why can’t I find this when everyone else seems to?

Simple answer, you’re putting for too much pressure on yourself. You have still have time to meet someone and have a family, please don’t rush it. Don’t lower your standards or accept something shitty to have a family, it will be worse in the long run.

These things do just happen. Don’t force it. Try to work on being happy in yourself and accepting the current phase of your life

I honestly think you just have to keep on keeping on trying. It really is a numbers game. You're bound to meet someone who is great for you.Perhaps widen your parameters on online dating?

Where do you live? Do you live in a busy cosmopolitan university type town or a small market town or rural. If you live somewhere like oxford, Cambridge, brighton, Leeds I’d think you’re more likely to have more luck finding somebody?

Here’s a list of the places friends of mine have met their partners. Triathlon club, running club, badminton club, salsa dancing, Lindy hop, swimming club, work (several through working in the big banks in London), doing a degree at university, evening Spanish class.

I agree with @Puds11. You are putting too much pressure on yourself, and you need to work on being happy in yourself. Maybe try counselling to try and get to a point where you can be happy and contented, irrespective of whether you'll meet the right person to have a family with. Learn to accept that this may or may not happen in time for you to be able to conceive. Can you put the focus on your life on other things and activities that have value and meaning?

“The key is in learning how to live a healthy, satisfying, and serene life without being dependent on another person for happiness.”
― Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much

Thanks. The thing is I did get to a point of being happy on my own, but there will always be that part of me that wants a family. I can’t ignore that.

I’ve built up a life that is great in all other ways and I have had counselling for many years as a standard thing.

I’ve done everything possible to try and stay positive but this time I feel like my spirit is broken.

You say your life is great in all other ways, but is there anything at all, apart from having a family, that is either missing or might enrich your life? Something more readily achievable?

Is your current counsellor meeting your needs? And even if (s)he does, perhaps a change, a different approach or outlook, might benefit you?

Its probably got nothing to do with you OP. That is cold comfort in this kind of situation, but honestly I suspect it's not you. It is likely down to luck.

All you can do is keep dating and seeing what comes of it. Focus closely and calmly on each man. Use the 36 questions to fall in love (google it) as much as possible.

Its not easy and you may not be successful. That is a genuine risk. And you will feel despair, it's a cruel thing, this fertility/family stuff. Look into getting your eggs frozen and keep on keeping on xx

I agree. It's just luck whether you meet someone or whether you don't. It's nothing to do with 'putting too much pressure on yourself'- what a shitty way to describe someone!

I have a DH and a family of my own now but I was also your age and crying into a pillow with sadness because of the sheer grind of never meeting anyone. It's not easy to keep positive through it all.

I hope your luck changes soon

I can understand why your spirit is broken. The single life and the dating life can both be pretty tough. Sadly, the old adage that it happens when you're least expecting it seems to be true - there's something about taking the strong focus off it that makes it happen. That's not to say don't be proactive. Continue to date online etc. It's hard to do but try to keep perspective. 34 is very young and if you really want it to happen and put in the time, it will. I have run out of stories of friends of mine who met every oddball around in OLD before meeting their life partner. Good luck.

You don't need a partner to have a family, may i ask why you're so against donation or adoption?

You don't need a partner to have a family, may i ask why you're so against donation or adoption?

It's not the same thing and you know it. Stop guilting the OP.

FWIW op my friend was your age, and felt exactly as you describe (I cried with her many many times from age 32 to 34 in particular), when we went to an activity together and I literally watched her lock eyes with a smiley man across the room... she is now 37, married to him, pregnant with their second baby. Fate turns on a dime. It is luck, stay the course and try to have faith that things will work out. They may not work out - but giving in to despair means the chance you have is lost anyway.

I was similar OP. Just could not seem to do it. But met DH at 36 and baby at 38. Don't give up.

A number of my friends met their partners in their mid-30s and later, and most of those who wanted to do so went on to have children. Mariella Frostup talks about exactly this also. Good luck!

Do you have enough funds to up sticks and travel for a while? Maybe volunteer overseas?

Putting yourself in a stress free situation meeting people outside your usual places might mean you meet someone?

Danger is you then have a whole heep of immigration issues!

I met my partner at a painting and mindfulness course. The painting thing was so not me but I let myself get dragged along and boom.

I would say work on yourself and do things that make you happy and the rest will fall into place.

@blue30

That’s a sweet story!

OP it’s honestly just luck. I’m so sorry the luck hasn’t been in your favour so far. I was the same as you - had tried everything and was so depressed. And then luckily found my DP. The only thing I would say is that I had met him before and he wasn’t my type so I wrote him off. I had a different mindset when I met him the second time and my friend had been talking him up, so my opinion of him changed and I’m now honestly so happy with him. Not saying you’ve had a closed mind but maybe try to see different types/people you already know differently, just in case the same thing could happen to you.

In the meantime try to work out whether a family or a relationship is more important to you. If it’s a relationship then you just have to hope for the best and keep on doing your thing. If it’s a family then I would really reconsider sperm donation. You could have a lovely baby next year and then meet a lovely man 5 years later - it will take the pressure off a lot.

I know that you don't feel it now because you are so focused on thinking that time is running out, but it is not.

You need to try and relax and accept that you have plenty of time to be a mother.
You are probably giving desperation clues to the guys you meet that you want their genes.....they will be terrified!

Calm down, relax and let it happen, there are lots of decent men out there that would love to be a father and a husband.
The long term unhappiness from a rushed and unhappy relationship is what a lot of these threads is about.

Don't put yourself in that position

I had decided in my 20s that by around mid thirties, if l wanted a child and was alone l would go it alone....l had financially prepared for the option..so no pressure.. BUT l am very independent and quite capable of doing things alone, not everyone would want too l appreciate.

Luckily l met DH at 32 and went on to have Dcs at 37 and 39...l was lucky though as it was pretty late.. but it doesn't always work out, a lovely friend of mine wanted dcs yet married a man who wouldn't commit to trying until she was 40, and she has been unable to concieve..it is her greatest sadness and causes a cloud over her marriage..

Look into the future and try and work out how you would feel in all scenarios, really look into what you are willing to accept and not...personally my Dcs have given me more joy than anything else l have done in my life and l thank god l had them...l would feel exactly the same had l had them single handedly.

I hope you find your way..

OP it’s honestly just luck

The long term unhappiness from a rushed and unhappy relationship is what a lot of these threads is about

I couldn’t agree more with both of these statements.

Best of luck OP.