Insecurity coming back

[SausageSimon]

I've started getting to know someone new, we met online just before lockdown and never got to have our first date so spend a lot of time talking on the phone getting to know each other.

It's going exceptionally well, I never meet anyone I get on so well with either as a friend or as anything more so it's really nice and quite exciting!

However the more I get to know him, even in the way we are doing these feelings of insecurity are sneaking back in already.

I'd say all of my relationships so far have been emotionally abusive and then they've usually cheated too. This new guy hasn't presented any red flags at all and for what I know so far he's nothing like them but those old feelings of worry and insecurity are upsetting me.

This isn't his fault, it's something wrong with me I need to deal with or I will never be able to move on with anyone at all.

The last short relationship I had was fine, but I spent the entire time mentally torturing myself that he'd prefer someone else despite being his type and it's like I emotionally abuse myself like my ex partners used to.

Has anyone been able to get past this by themselves?
I'd love nothing more than a loving relationship where I can actually believe that they do like me and aren't cheating, but it's like I become an anxious mess when I get to like someone because I'm waiting for history to repeat itself

I go for counselling but I don't know to what extent it could help this or if anything really can

I should add that I don't tend to share these feelings with a partner, I keep them to myself because I realise they're irrational and I wouldn't believe them deep down if they said "I wouldn't cheat on you" anyway and it'd be a pointless exercise

Any advice would be massively appreciated, I want to give it my best shot because he's really great

I've been single for 3 years because I don't want to open up to someone and I don't want to be like that forever

The best advice I can give you is to read these books:

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden

@FlowerArranger thank you for the recommendations, what was it you liked and got out of these books please?

Are you sure its not just instincts? Sometimes we want so much to dismiss our insecurities and infact, they are there for good reason!

Presumably you know about love bombing and narcissistic mirroring? Having had shitty ppl in your past...I'm always wary of people who get too close too fast or who seem to be too similar to myself early on ('we have so much in common' aye right) It can be a red flag. The way you describe things...my alarm bells would be ringing too.

What is it that is making you feel this way
Actually break it down
It is unusual that it’s just imaginary. Even if it is unintentional behaviour by him, something is triggering a sense that something might ne off

@SausageSimon... It's decades since I read them! They spell out so many things that a lot of woman do to sabotage their lives. Check them out at Goodreads.

www.goodreads.com/book/show/239509.Women_Who_Love_Too_Much

www.goodreads.com/book/show/79352.Six_Pillars_of_Self_Esteem

Both have been around since the 1980s and 90s. They are classics. I'm sure you'll find them helpful.

I’ve read them too they are good and worth it

But also I realised it wasn’t always me and my insecurities, not all men make me feel on edge and insecure. But some do

To those wondering whether it's coming from him I'm fairly certain it isn't! I pick up on that stuff immediately now which is why I can never meet anyone, I get shut of them the second alarm bells start ringing.

He hasn't set them ringing in any way other than him being male!
He makes me feel at ease and like I can say whatever I am thinking, where usually I wouldn't be able to feel that way cause I'd be getting these red flags

I am extremely self critical and I'm waiting for the disapproval of everything about me that I got in the past, I criticise everything I do because of how I was treat in the past

We have a very dark sense of humour which he definitely showed first, or else I'd be thinking is he mirroring me. He is always interested in what I have to say but doesn't fake interest either, and he shows me things he's interested in that I genuinely enjoy too.

I'm not too worried about love bombing or mirroring, I can tell his interest in things are genuine or I'll bring up something and he instantly can quote something from it etc so can't be faking

He does seem genuinely rather nice, which has thrown me cause I'm usually looking for the negative as an excuse to get shut of them ASAP which is kinda sad

But part of the problem with this situation is that it’s intense, and that will exacerbate some of your feelings of insecurity. The more intense it feels, quite fast and the more you connect it’s going to make you feel vulnerable - you have never met him. It’s completely normal to not be fully relaxed about someone you don’t know and can’t yet trust. Your instincts are not always fooling you, they are telling you to be careful.

But at the same time, you should do work on your self esteem because you are worthy of meeting someone nice, and not everyone is an asshole

It sucks when all those voices that told us we weren't good enough somehow, become internalised. You just have to remember that ppl who treated us like that were projecting. YOU were too good for them. Nasty, empty ppl always try to bring you down and will say and do any old shit in order to do that. But that's what it was - shit.

Maybe you could try writing a list of all the good things about you. And look at it/add to it whenever you feel down.

Also, it is good that he makes you feel secure. But practicing being careful what you share is important. I know myself, being an open book is like steak to bad sorts of people. They are also adapt at getting things out of you that you would not normally share. Seeming understanding now, but using it against you later. Not that this is the case here of course. But you would be wise not to mention how other men have treated you badly to him. It can give sone men the green light to do similar.

Perhaps just take it easy, keep things light. No need to rush into anything. And if you need to take a step back from daying again, do so.