Is this it?

[Ismarriageover]

Long story, with dh for 26 years sex life has been up and down but mostly down. We tried relate early on and things did improve but then back to our normal. I've run through every emotion possible, is it me? Am I too fat/thin? Changed haircut/colour. Throughout this time he's told me it's a problem with him (premature), a couple of times over the years I've walked into his office and he's quickly changed computer screen, "oh it's nothing, just work/a game" Last night I walked into his office and he did it again but was not so fast and I saw a photo/image of a half dressed woman. I ask to see what he's looking at he completely refuses, finally admits its a fetish site but still won't show me. It all then comes out apparently he looks at the sites a couple of times a week and has for years. He's agreed he's lied by omission, when I've asked before. Where do I/we go from here? I feel like I've been a completely and utterly mug for years, put up with a non existent sex life while he gets his rocks off at the computer. He swears it's only pictures but how do I know!

Firstly men are visual creatures, so images turn them on. You say it's a fetish site, is it something you could indulge in together or do you think no way? It must be incredibly hurtful to find he doesn't want sex with you, but still has sexual feelings. All I can advise is try to stop trying everything to get him to fancy you, it will only make you feel more hurt and rejected. If a sex life is important to you then let him know you will look elsewhere if there's no improvement.

Where do you want it to go?
I think if it was me, I'd try and find out what he'd been looking at and then depending on what That was, decide if there was a future with him or not. After trying to make it work for so long, it's up to you what you decide to do next. Nobody could reasonably accuse you of not trying to make it work. Hopefully he hasn't deleted his internet history and you can find out easily.

If premature ejaculation is an issue for him when having sex with you, I would imagine he had turned to the internet for a quick wank with no pressure on him to perform. You should not feel this act is in any way a rejection of you... of course, this is easier said than done. If you are otherwise happy in the marriage a long, frank chat, probably with a therapist in situ, would be a good idea.

Ignore the poor men are "visual creatures" shite, a term made up by men and male apologists.
What that actually means is men like to leer, ogle, and sleaze at any woman they want to, and said men generally consider those women as the equivalent to a piece of meat.
It's a cutesy term made up for the lack of control or respect for women.

Tbh he's starved you a healthy sex life, your self esteem, that amounts to years of unhappiness and doubt.

I can't see what exactly you'd want to salvage here op?

Not something at all I'm interested in, it's breath play and wet look? It's all on his computer I don't even know the passwords. Plus he is very, very good with computers he could easily change, hide which is why I wanted to see it last night before anything was changed/removed. He says it's just images but whether there's chat etc too I don't know. I think it's partly the lying by omission and partly I see it as though he's having a sex life when he's said he's not interested in sex and used that as an excuse.

I'd be really fucking angry op. Not only has he ruined your self esteem, starved you off affection, he's also lied and destroyed any trust or comfort in the relationship.

This is not a 'little chat' situation, this is relationship ending, or at the very least a separation followed by intensive sex addiction and marriage councilling.

#08Sadiesnakes Exactly I'm angry at the lying, how he's made me feel unwanted the majority of the time to the point I'd given up on attempting on having any intimacy. Also how at the moment it seems I've only got two options leave with two small children (7&4) or stay and put up with everything as if things change I don't believe the change would last.

Really that is one option, and it is not YOUR fault

If he uses Google and is signed in you might be able to see his activity on another device. Google logs everything on Web Activity.

Porn desensitises watchers so they no longer get off on "normal" sexual activity. It's likely to be more than watching too - there are plenty of women out there offering themselves for sex for free. Fabswingers for example.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this OP. X

OMG as I've led a sheltered life, I had to google what that meant. It's asphyxiation stuff. I wouldn't want to try that either.

I would have no hesitation in calling it a day, if that's what you want. I'm amazed you've put up with his crap sex as long as you have because you wanted to give the guy a chance, and all the time this has been going on, what a creep he is.

He’s basically got into a fetish thing for gods knows how long and that’s what does it for him. It’s not you at all and he’s been very cruel to hide his sexual preferences from you.

In my experience men who only get off to this sort of violent sex are never happy with real intimacy. While it is possible to have a sexual kink and have it be part of a healthy sex life, that would take honesty, both parties being into it and it not to be the only means of sexually relating, in my view.

If I were you I’d be furious that he’s let this go on for years and left you frustrated and feeling it was something to do with you when actually it’s all about him not having compatible tastes - but he never bothered to let you know. That’s dealbreaker territory for me, I’d see it as a huge betrayal of trust.

Locked out as I've cleared my phone, so name change. We've talked I've told him I can't trust him, he's left me with no choices. I didn't know anything about breath play so I've had a quick look and I'm even more upset/disgusted. If we weren't in lockdown I'd ask him to more out now. He says he'll try anything to put it right. But I think it's far, far too late. Even if I could begin to trust him again I don't want to be with someone who in the extreme gets off with having sex/masterbating with/to someone who is in and out of consciousness.

Sorry Op, that's a horrible thing to find out after all the years of struggling. So your DH will do anything now, why do they do that, they ignore and ignore then when you've finally had enough they're finally sorry?