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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you go no contact after a break up?

16 replies

listentoesther · 02/05/2020 20:14

I've lived with my now ex for four years, and we've not got kids together. I found messages on his phone that he had sent to women from hook up sites when he way away with work, giving them the name of his hotel and asking them to come round. I confronted him and he said he was drunk and horny but did not actually sleep with anyone or meet anyone. Whether he did or didn't, I ended the relationship, not only for that but for various issues like us just not being compatible together anymore. When the lockdown ends I will be moving out of the area. He is creeping around me at the moment asking me whether I want him to make me a cup of tea, even though he is in agreement we should split. I know it's the "grown up" thing to do to be nice but I feel like telling him to fuck off and I don't need his pity. I know this makes the relationship sound terrible, but there was at one point a lot of love, and I don't know if I should go completely no contact (which is tempting) or whether if I do this I will later look back and regret not trying to maintain a friendship? To me right now maintaining any sort of relationship seems frankly undignified, and my gut is telling me to go ahead and block his number. But I'm angry so it could be that. Advice???

OP posts:
Zelda93 · 02/05/2020 20:17

Go no contact .. what's the point keeping a friendship I'm sure you have far more friends that are better than him and treat you with respect. Why keep him about .. draw a line .. move on .. but that's just my opinion!!

cookiedough269 · 02/05/2020 20:18

My ex did the same thing to me! We're friends at the moment but that's only because I have a very close relationship with his family and we also have the same group of friends so we decided that we didn't want to make it awkward and we chose to stay as a friends. If we didn't have the same friendship group etc then I would of definitely blocked him but it's your choice! X

listentoesther · 02/05/2020 20:22

@cookiedough269 he messaged women online? Mine was someone I said "he'd never cheat on me" about Hmm

OP posts:
cookiedough269 · 02/05/2020 20:26

Yeah my ex messaged women, saved pics of them, met them behind my back etc. Oh god, sorry to hear that OP😩

longtimecomin · 02/05/2020 20:28

Just go no contact, why bother staying friends?

Taddda · 02/05/2020 20:32

@listentoesther yeah I'd go no contact. Even if it's not forever you need a clean break and time to heal.

FWIW of course you told people he'd never cheat on you, if you (or anyone) thought their partner would you wouldn't get with them from the off!

He's been an (unexpected) prick- not your fault-

Dazedandconfused10 · 02/05/2020 20:33

My ex wants to be friends, but he never wants to be seen as the bad guy...you dont treat friends how he treated me,so tough we ain't gonna be friends.

DeeCeeCherry · 02/05/2020 20:41

He's not your friend. He disrespected you by contacting other women, and making up a crap excuse when he was found out. Go NC - He will still try to contact you but don't be fooled, he'll be messaging other women too as he's always done. Loyalty isn't his forte.

copycopypaste · 02/05/2020 20:45

Yes I'd go no contact.

I've stayed friends with ex's before but that's when we've broken up amicably, there's no way I'd want to be friends with someone who treated me so badly

Tiredmum100 · 02/05/2020 21:27

Definitely go no contact. I personally believe that's the only way to move on (well in my experience). I'm happy I'm not in contact with my ex.

Patch23042 · 02/05/2020 21:33

It’s very difficult to remain friends when the separation wasn’t genuinely mutual and amicable. I wouldn’t bother trying.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 02/05/2020 21:35

Go no contact. I was forced to keep up chilly but mostly civil contact with my ex for many years because we had children together. Now they are adults - all heading towards 30 - I don't have any contact at all with him, and to be honest they have little. He wasn't much better as a father than he was as a husband.

MIL said to me in the midst of our divorce perhaps when this is all over you two can be friends and I thought at the time No, I'm pretty sure we can't. My friends don't treat me like that.

We have never been friends.

Truthpact · 02/05/2020 21:38

I don't see the point in having contact with an ex unless you have children with them. Definitely not with some twat who treats you like that.

Raidblunner · 02/05/2020 22:22

Definitely lose the contact. I've stayed on good terms with my ex wife for the sake of our 3 daughters. But I don't get this friends thing....my last girlfriend has a string of exes she stays in contact with merely to use their services, an electrician, estate agent with can I borrow your BMW and a plant hire boss, lend my builder son a drill or dumper for the weekend. All friends with benefits. Nah move on or you risk jeopardising a potential future relationship.

TudoBem · 02/05/2020 22:30

I’m friends with some of my exes (even one who cheated on me), but sometimes it takes a while and a bit of distance. The ones I’m not friends with are just ones I’ve lost touch with rather than cut out.

You certainly don’t have to be friends with him, but even if you do it doesn’t need to happen overnight.

Just do what feels right at any given time.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 02/05/2020 22:54

Sometimes relationships just fizzle out but you still like each other. I've had several like that. In that situation it's easy and natural to stay friends.

But sometimes there isn't a friendship to salvage. My last DP really messed me about and then had the nerve to suggest we stayed friends. I told I already had plenty of friends - and that he was no friend of mine.

Ditch the bugger and walk away. He's got nothing to offer you now.

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