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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Long story** (sorry in advance) need some impartial opinions.

24 replies

Foxy456 · 02/05/2020 17:42

Long story, I met my bf thru work he was in a relationship with a 2 year old at the time and we became friends.... he told me his relationship was dead since having child etc (wrongly we started a relationship) his partner found out after a year we spoke and she also agreed the relationship had been dead but they had stayed together for the child, she said she didn’t blame me ( although I was 100% in the wrong) in my own eyes. Basically she continued living with him for a whole year whilst she saved to move out and find a place. Within 3 months of her finding out about us, it came to light she had been seeing a guy from work herself a lot longer than I had been seeing my bf + had, had an abortion by the guy whilst still living with my bf. She moved out 7 months ago, she is very close to my bf’s mum and has chose to act little miss innocent denying what she’s done to make us look the bad guys. ( my bf found cards + the abortion paperwork to back up she was doing it) She only has the child 3 days a week he says she wasn’t maternal and struggled to bond with the child hence why he has most custody. We are in a long distance relationship (50 miles) so I only see him twice a week. She has continued her close relationship with his mother + his mother still believes she’s miss innocent (even tho she is now out in the open with said guy) his family have been vile towards me and still are. This causes big issues as he is close to his family. He has become extremely controlling towards me, i am suffering from mental health and he mocks me and puts me down, he won’t stand up to his parents so if I am there they will just point blank ignore me. He twists everything back onto me and won’t take any responsibility for anything he does. I love him and I want to walk away but I seem to always chase him when the decision is made to end the relationship. I’m at my wits end with life in general atm at an extremely low ebb with thoughts of taking my own life. My family tell me he’s dragging me down and to get rid but I feel like even tho I have 2 children myself he’s all I have.

OP posts:

Cantpickausername5 · 02/05/2020 17:53

Why would his mother believe she's miss innocent if there is undeniable physical evidence to the contrary? That makes no sense. Anyway I think your family is right you need to leave this absolute train wreck of a relationship to better get a grip your mental health. If your having suicidal taughts you need to immediately seek professional help not just for you but the sake of your kids. There is no magic wand to change a person's attitude, so he is never going to suddenly wake up one morning and become the partner you need. Please contact someone professional immediately this relationship has caused irrevocable harm to your mental wellbeing and its only going to get worse if you continue with it

RandomMess · 02/05/2020 17:57

Your bf is not kind or loving and is not supportive of you. Red flags everywhere...

End it, you deserve better!

Original poster

Foxy456 · 02/05/2020 18:02

@Cantpickausername5 his mother befriends her to have control over the child because she doesn’t think she’s capable of looking after him. His mother knows the truth deep down but chooses to brush it under the carpet and still treat her like a daughter whilst treating my bf like he’s not even her child a lot of the time. His mother is extremely controlling she has to have every input where the child is concerned.
I have tried to get help with the doctor tried diff meds etc nothing is helping, I will go back.

OP posts:

Original poster

Foxy456 · 02/05/2020 18:03

@RandomMess there are so many red flags I agree! I just need the strength to walk away which atm I am finding hard.

OP posts:

RamsayBoltonsConscience · 02/05/2020 18:06

The back story of how you got together is irrelevant. He is controlling, mocks you when you aren't mentally strong and doesn't stand up for you. You can do better than this guy, you deserve better.

fronttoback · 02/05/2020 18:06

If your best friend or young relative came to you and asked for advice in this situation, what would you tell her?

Would you advise her that the best thing they could do would be to stay in a deeply unhappy relationship with an abusive man, or would you plead with her to leave him as soon as possible.

Listen to what your family is telling you.

Original poster

Foxy456 · 02/05/2020 18:11

@RamsayBoltonsConscience
His parents came by last week and totally blanked me ( we’ve now been together 2 1/2 years) he said he thought they’re behaviour was disgusting and told them so yet let them round his house (socially distanced) yest to see the child. To me that his him allowing the behaviour towards me to continue. I know I deserve better I can see it all I just need to be mentally strong enough to walk away now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Foxy456 · 02/05/2020 18:13

@fronttoback
I would 100% tell them to walk away. That’s what all my friends tell me.. my bf is a big boss of our company we work for, so he is well respected by all in my work even tho he isn’t in our store anymore. It’s so hard listening to people say how much of a nice guy he is when I know how he is behind closed doors.

OP posts:

Deadposhtory · 02/05/2020 18:14

Your my will not improve while you are with this man.
It's got red flags all over it.
For the sake of your children end it now

Troels · 02/05/2020 18:16

Walk away, he doesn't have your back, they won't change their opinion and he isn't even nice to you.

AdaColeman · 02/05/2020 18:20

Dump him and make a new and better life for yourself. You do not need the high level of intrigue, lies, worry and uncertainty that being with him has involved you in.
He is not a good person.
Do not get pregnant with his child.

Run for the hills, and don’t look back!

Babooshkar · 02/05/2020 20:01

Look at your children and consider if this is the type of relationship you would like for them to be in when older... If it isn’t, then walk away for their sake, otherwise they’re learning that this is normal from you.

Heartburn888 · 02/05/2020 22:41

Your advantage is that you live 50 miles away. You ha e no obligation to go back.

Block him.

itaintthatdeeep · 02/05/2020 22:49

I didn't read all of it but it's simple his mother is a user too, don't be mistaken by her forgiveness to the ex - which let's face it isn't any of her business or yours because as you can see he isn't a nice dp at all.
And using a abortion as proof to make what you did not look so bad is crap.

And you have all this input on the ex behaviour, but your dp is a cheat, has no back bone and acts like an arse.

Since exdp and I separated I get on wonderful with his ex, and we both see how his family and him are at fault.

MsDogLady · 02/05/2020 22:49

OP has another thread about this today called Other Views.

Vodkacranberryplease · 02/05/2020 22:50

Ok here's the thing. He's abusive, his parents are abusive. The fact that his parents (mother?) is that way should be proof to you that you are not imagining it in your bf. no wonder his ex was having an affair.

Haffiana · 03/05/2020 00:28

So, he is controlling and abusive towards you, but you are complaining about his mother and about his ex?

What do you actually want to happen? He is never going to change, so apart from that, what do you want with your one chance at life?

BackseatCookers · 03/05/2020 00:34

So, he is controlling and abusive towards you, but you are complaining about his mother and about his ex?

This.

Firstly, do NOT get pregnant.

You are a mother to two children.

You are wasting your time, attention, present and future on this bastard.

Don't your children deserve to be your priority?

Don't they deserve the chance to have a happy healthy mum? To see you modelling a healthy, fun, loving relationship one day?

This man is driving you to thoughts of harming yourself. If that happened it would leave your children without a mother. Is he even anywhere near worth that?! Of course he isn't!

It will NEVER be easier to leave someone than right now, during a lockdown when you live separately. It's one of the only upsides to lockdown.

Do not miss this opportunity to go cold turkey.

rebbonk · 03/05/2020 01:01

Dump him

GilbertMarkham · 03/05/2020 01:19

He has become extremely controlling towards me, i am suffering from mental health and he mocks me and puts me down, he won’t stand up to his parents so if I am there they will just point blank ignore me. He twists everything back onto me and won’t take any responsibility for anything he does.

All the other stuff is irrelevant/a side show really.

The above is why you should end the relationship; esp this sentence;

He has become extremely controlling towards me ....he mocks me and puts me down.

So your work colleagues think he's a nice guy, well lots of people thought ted bundy was a nice guy.
They don't know him. And people generally think anyone they don't know who is personable and appears pleasant ISA nice/good person.

I wouldn't get into trying to correct them, probably won't be great for your career/reputation etc.

Hopefully you don't have to see him or deal with often at all.

He doesn't sound like a good person to be in a relationship with at all.

No wonder his ex found someone else.

Interesting how her mental health doesn't sound so great and yours, while with him, is suffering too. Maybe he's toxic.

Krazynights34 · 03/05/2020 01:23

Your second thread on this.
How can you have two children and say he is al you have?
Anybody who is controlling is BAD NEWS.
Get some self respect!

JKScot4 · 03/05/2020 01:31

If he lives 50 miles away why are you all in and out houses? him, you, his parents?
Stick to lockdown, do not go to see him, don’t let him in your house, put your kids first and stop thinking he’ll ever stand u for you, he has no respect for you.
It’s a LDR easy to end, stop being a doormat.

Dontletitbeyou · 03/05/2020 05:06

Run ,ffs , get your shit together , run and don’t look back .
When you feel a bit wobbly read , then reread your words above . Life is WAY too short for this BS .

Blondebakingmumma · 03/05/2020 07:26

The relationship hasn’t been healthy from the start. Walk away

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