I want another baby but not another partner

[AlltheLemurs]

I am a single mum to a gorgeous little boy who is nearly two. I love being a mum and would love to have another baby when he is a bit older.
However I don’t think I would want another partner. I was in an abusive relationship with DS’s dad and I can’t imagine ever dating again. I realised that the only reason I was even considering it was because I wanted another child.

Everyone says oh just be happy with one and I am very happy with DS and I know how lucky I am to have him but I don’t want to give up the hope of giving him a brother or sister.

Can you go for artificial insemination?

I think it's great if women want to do this. If you can afford another child and can cope I would go down the sperm donor route.

have u thought of fostering then adopting? Lots of babies in need for loving homes.
i would advise against donor sperms from an ethical stand (the right for a child to have a father he can reach out to), i saw lots of episodes of children of single mums searching for their fathers, its really heart breaking (search parental court). I wouldnt want to bring a child to this world feeling like he's missing out compared to his friends.

Even you need to give urself the chance to open up again, not all men are like that. Dont be unfair to urself. You deserve to find someone who cares for you, and lifts up the burden of life.

Kellyhall I have thought about this. I do worry that people would judge me for choosing to be a single mum. I suppose this is because it is not the norm.

I know a few people who have done this but they all have a (female) partners.

Hannah I have thought of fostering and adoption. I know people who have adopted and I know that is not without issues for the children either as they have been separated from their parents. I think that adopted children need more support and I don’t know how the mix of having one adopted and one biological child would work. I would consider it.

I already have one child and I do worry that he will affected when he is older because he doesn’t have the sort of dad he can have that kind of relationship with. So obviously I would worry about a child whose dad is a donor. They can find out their dad’s indenture when they are older now which is better.

If you are open to co-patenting there are gay men who are desperate to be fathers.
It's controversial, but who cares about the chattering classes.

I have not really considered that as an option. With co-parenting they would presumably want to share custody of the baby. I’m not sure if I would want that.

I think the idea of having a baby with a known donor is a good one but I don’t know anyone who I could ask.

I've done this (first baby). There is a website called coparents and you can find a donor there. There is also a donor section on mumsnet.

The donor I have is a known one and still keep in contact and over the years DS will know him as his donor. His donor has never bothered me and is happy for me to communicate with him when needed, other than that he leaves me to raise DS on my own which is what I wanted.

@AlltheLemurs children can be really young, once adopted u r the legal mother.

I'm assuming u r considering a licensed clinic for donors. Knowing ur father when u r 18 in my honest opinion is pointless, children will be comparing themselves to other children at much younger age, most of us dont need our fathers at 18 or older! Esp in ur case when one child has a father who may in the future starts to engage. To preplan to take that away from a child is just sad.

Anyway, sorry if my comments arent to ur taste. Most of ppl considering donor children think of their needs not the child's.

@Mummy5hark that’s amazing to hear. Was it easy to find the right donor on the site? How old is your child and what have you told them? That sounds about the right mix. I didn’t know about the donor conception section on Mumsnet I will head on over and have a look. How did people react to your pregnancy?

@Hannah021 have you any experience of adoption or donor conception. I am obviously only going to go for something that would meet the needs of the child this is why I need to consider it carefully. I don’t think adoption is the rosy picture you make out. Younger adopted children still have challenges such as attachment disorder and FASD. I would consider it as an option but I would need to be confident that I could meet all the adopted child’s needs without having a negative impact on DS.

@AlltheLemurs wasnt planning to respond had it not been to ur question.
we have fostered children in the family through my cousin and we interact with the children regularly (before lockdown) ... My neighbours adopted children (two twins age 1) and two others i cant remember what age they were adopted, all have no attachment issues, we used to play with them in the garden cuz their ball will always fall into ours. They are now much older (the eldest is over 20 now, the twins i think 5), moved out 2yrs ago.

My cousins two girls were fostered at age 3, one of them has attachment disorder because she is still allowed to see her mum (fostered not adopted)... The other one doesnt, she left my cousin at 5, then returned 7, she couldnt remember my cousins sisters who lived in the same house as her!! Yet extremely smart child.

I'm not painting a glorious picture, those children in the care system are going through a lot and i witnessed things myself. Thats why i encourage loving homes to think about them, they are already in this world; to bring up a child to this world knowing he'll see other fathers playing with his friends and not get that chance is not taking the child's need into account. Again watch paternity court to hear fatherless children talk about their feelings even when mothers were brilliant.

Thank you @Hannah021 I thought from the way you were writing that it sounded personal to you. That is why I asked. I am sorry to hear about your cousins children. I have often thought about adoption as I have worked with a lot of adopted children as an SEN teacher. I remember one child’s social worker telling me that as he was 5 now he was very unlikely to be adopted as people don’t want boys over 5.

I don’t think I will be watching paternity court as my son has a dad who has let us down. I honestly think that could be more difficult for him than having a sperm donor.

IMO its not fair to use a sperm donor to have a child like this, not to mention how hard it will be having the second baby while parenting your boy alone.

I expected there to be a lot of debate onn the rights and wrongs, so I just told people I was pregnant, no one really asked me about the father. I only told my mum and close friends the actual details. I think most people know to mind their own business.

I was quite specific in the type of donor I wanted so it did take a few months and I had to click with him as well.

This route isn't for everyone, but it works for me and my DS (who is 2). We were actually supposed to be meeting with his donor soon, but with all that's going on it may not happen for a while.

Will you be able to support a second child on your own? As in go to work to earn enough? If so, crack on. It will be nice for your first child to have a sibling.

If you'll need to rely on benefits, then YABVVU.

Hats of to you! Being a single parent is so so hard. 2 even harder than 1. So many great options out there these days.

How old are you op?

Also didn't want to ignore your point about previous relationships. So sorry you've gone through that.

@Mummy5hark that’s such a positive experience. Really good to hear. I will have a look at that site.

I am 35 so don’t have a huge amount of time. I have a good job and don’t get any benefits.

Another thing that is really important is for DS to have a sibling. I can’t imagine going through childhood and not having that bond. I realise that a lot people have an only child and it is not a big deal.