How do I move on from this, I’m becoming bitter

[Tobeeornottobee3]

I’ve never spoken to anyone about this in real life so I hope I don’t go on too much.
I’ve never been close to my mother. From an early age she seemed to favour others in my family. I remember being really aware of this. She said some horrible things to me growing up that I can’t forget. I can’t remember much hugs or her ever playing with me etc. I was always looked after really well physically etc but just nothing emotionally. As I grew up I rebelled a bit in my teenage years , nothing major at all but going out drinking etc. Any argument we had when I was a teenager and being a pain would result in the silent treatment for days and maybe weeks. Btw this was from 17 onwards when I’d be out with friends in their houses, nothing major at all. There’s loads of other examples of things of her having tantrums at me, totally flying off the handle etc. Me apologizing and trying to get her to talk to me again.
Fast forward to having my own children I realize all this was wrong of course and I’m constantly aware , almost hyper aware of not repeating things. The thing is now my mother is older and hugely mellowed , has had a wonderful, long retirement so is much more relaxed. She sends lovely messages to me etc . But we never spend any time together, she had never gone to the playground, for a walk , anything with me and my kids. She virtually spends almost no time with us at all. She was early 60’s when I had my first. It’s been like this always even before I had kids , I’d suggest meeting for a coffee, walk and was always rebuffed with a “oh no”, “why” , “another time “. I just think she doesn’t like me. Anytime I call it’s clear she can’t wait to hang up.
The thing is the majority of my family (but not all) iconize my mother, I hear a lot about how amazing she is, how she deserves awards for bringing us all up etc. I just don’t get it and lovely though her words are now , they are very empty to me.
All this I have dealt with a bit and accepted but I just find it so hard to hear others go on about their relationships with their mums. I’ve always been jealous of this. During this time also, it’s all I hear. How much people are missing their mums and how much grandparents are missing their kids. I genuinely feel by mother wouldn’t care if she ever saw me or my dcs again. My kids don’t even know my parents. My son struggled once when asked about who his mums parents were. He’s 9. My friend is having a baby and she was telling me how her and her mum will go shopping etc etc. I’m happy for them but I still get that pang. I want to move on from this but I don’t know how? I feel very down about this at times. I want to be happy for other plp, at the same time I can’t lie about our relationship. All my friends on WhatsApp were saying how much they miss their mums and I felt like some kind of freak for not feeling anything.

You are not a freak. Some people aren't close to their mothers.
People often virtue signal on SM.
Your friends' mums might not be different from how yours is with you.
You do your best for your DC, that's all you can do.

Thanks for your reply. Tbh they aren’t really virtue signaling, just stating how they naturally feel.
I have often met them with their mums and it’s really clear they are close. I think that situation is more common than mine in fairness.

I absolutely feel for you and understand a bit. I have a similar relationship with my mother and I recognise a lot of what you’ve written. My mother adores my sister. Me, not so much. Like you, it was obvious from an early age. Now we’ve all got kids. My mother has paid for holidays for my sister and her kids and gone with them multiple years. She’s never once been away with my kids. It’s hard to not become bitter. I’ve just learnt to switch off and view them as “people I know”. If I see them, I see them. If I don’t, it doesn’t impact me. I don’t ask what they’re up to so it doesn’t hurt. It is what it is. I suggest you do what I’ve done and switch of your emotions about it and put your energy and attention into your relationships with other people. She’s never going to be what you want. When her out of touch messages come in, just ignore them. Or delete before reading. You’ve got to forge your own life and separate it from her. It’s like a kind of PTSD. Therapy really helped me understand that my family/mother act like this because they are co-dependent. She ruined my wedding with her narcissistic tantrums and I allowed that to happen. Don’t allow your mother to run and dictate your emotional response. I really advise therapy. It really helps to talk to a professional. You need somebody who is an expert in attachment styles, early years bonding trauma and codependency. Oh and you don’t have to be happy for other people! Why? I’m not. It sucks that I had to go choose my wedding dress on my own. I’m not happy for other people that got to do the “crying mother when daughter appears in her dress” thing. Why should I be happy about that? What relationships other people have with their mothers is none of my business and I’m not deliberately going to manufacture an emotion that society expects of me. Be authentic. You’re allowed to feel as you darn well please. Be sad if you feel sad. If people talk to me about their mothers then I ask them not to. I explain that I don’t have that relationship and I’d rather not hear about theirs. The thing is you’re not a freak. Your experiences are yours and there are millions of people in this world and everybody has a different relationship with their parents. It’s best to stop comparing

Thanks ‘getlost’ (not sure how to highlight). That’s the thing , I can’t really do NC as I’d feel awful as my mother is older now and the sad reality is she doesn’t bother with me at all really apart from pleasantries anyway so if I don’t contact her she doesn’t really contact me anyway. One of my sisters is certainly a favorite and constantly praises my mother to me almost looking for a reaction, she is definitely aware of the how my mum was but often refers to me being an awful teenager. (I was tame by most standards). I can’t at all engage with her as anytime I’ve brought up anything my sister becomes explosive just like my mum would at any criticism. I’ve given up trying to talk about anything years ago but I have to listen to how “ un-interfering” my mother is and how that’s such a great thing . But of course the reality is she just has no interest in spending time with me.

I agree I need to talk to someone, I would worry about repeat behavior but I’m so conscious of that with my own dcs. I also don’t have daughters which is honestly a relief to me.
I agree I don’t have to feel happy for others but I guess it’s sortof normal in society to have a relationship with a mum and i seem to be surrounded by plp who all have good , supportive relationships with their mother. And it goes both ways , even when my mum is ill I can never helps as she doesn’t want me around .

@Tobeeornottobee3, either type @ then select the name from the list or use asterisks. Tobeeornottobee3 without the spaces.

It sounds like you need to back away from your sister as well as your mum OP.

Honestly, there’s no rule that says you have to like your birth family or have anything to do with them, however old or frail they are. I feel so much better for cutting out one brother and I’m close to doing the same with the other one. They’re useless and have never added to my happiness, so why should I bother?

I recommend counselling, to help you put your feelings on this to bed. It doesn’t have to take long.

@Tobeeornottobee3

It’s no wonder you feel sad. Your mother was a very poor mother but you would hope that she would correct that for your DCs as that is a second chance. So she’s a very poor grandmother also. At some level you must be grieving the mother you wish you’d had and the grandmother you wish your DCs had had. You mention that one sister is a particular favourite so does that mean you have other siblings who had a similar experience to you and the favoured sister is somewhat of an outlier? Whatever the situation, it’s still wrong - a child should be able to count on her parents’ love.

@Getlostu gives terrific advice. People who have great relationships with their mothers don’t need you to be happy for them! But it would be helpful if they could be sensitive to you and not go on about their shopping trips with their Ms. Could you ask that of them? And if you can, get some therapy designed to address this kind of situation.

I bet you’re a terrific mother and you’ll be a terrific grandmother when the time comes!

there’s no rule that says you have to like your birth family or have anything to do with them, however old or frail they are

THIS ^

There is a book by Susan Forward that you may find helpful. I think it's called Toxic Families.

Are you looking at things from both perspectives? It seems odd that everyone else thinks your mother is fantastic - are you really being honest with yourself about your own behaviour during this time? Have you ever asked her about it?

Thanks for the messages. Some of my siblings also have a bad relationship too.
Also re looking at my own behavior, I spend most of my life blaming myself as obviously I must have been an awful child. I
had zero self confidence in my 20’s. It’s only since having my own dcs that I realize things weren’t ok. To give an example, i moved into a shared house not far from my own house at 19/20 as just wanted some independence (I was paying the rent myself) and I wasn’t spoken to for weeks as a result, absolutely no argument had happened before. I just remember how anxious I felt when I was ignored a lot and the silent treatment was used a lot. Is that really normal in someone’s teen years? I’d write letters which were and are still laughed about. Maybe they were stupid, can imagine they prob were but what I can’t imagine is ridiculing my own dc. But again I still have feelings that a lot of this was my own fault or something.
Sometimes I almost feel like it’s all in my head as now my mother is a pleasant lady who sends lovely messages. Not sure why I’m writing it , maybe it’s just all the talk about separation of families now etc.

What you are describing here is rejecting mothering and maternal deprivation which is devastating for a child. Favouritism in families is particularly damaging because it teaches the less favoured child day in and day out that they are 'less' than the favourite/s. I am not surprised that you had zero self-confidence, when your worth has been undermined during your childhood. Please don't make the mistake either of thinking that the favourite is escaping here scot free. They will have been saddled with a very different kind of emotional baggage, usually very conditional. Explosive to criticism? That's a common trademark of a narcissist. None of us enjoy being criticised but for a narcissist it is particularly devastating because their egos are so incredibly fragile. Any attempt that you make to talk HONESTLY about what has happened will be far to threatening and they must retaliate to shut you down; their very identity is at stake. You have also been on the receiving end of lots of passive agression; silent treatment, sulking etc Passive agression is particularly hard to deal with because it is always the recipient left asking what they have done wrong. You start to question your own sanity and version of events. Similarly, looking after the physical needs of our children is the easier bit, it is the emotional 'giving' that some mothers are just not capable of. Your mother carries deep, deep amivalence within her and this coupled with her obvious incapacity for intimacy leads to the mixed messages that you are receiving - the 'lovely messages' from a safe distance (I want closeness) versus her refusal to spend time with you (I can't handle closeness, I NEED distance). As for your teenage years ask yourself this question, should it really make a difference how 'bad' you were?? My 15 year old daughter has put us through hell, the stress has been indescribable but would I reject her? Kick her out maybe? No. Never. I am here for her always and forever. This is when you find out what unconditional love is. So in answer to your question, how do I move on from this, the first thing you need to know is that you CAN move on from this. Look into getting some therapy as advised by previous posters. Once you begin to understand and make sense of the damaging dynamics that you were subject to as a child you can begin to move on from these feelings that you are inherently 'faulty'. You aren't. It is something that you have incorporated into your sense of self from the defective mothering that you have received. We spend an awful lot of time with our mothers so this is going to take time. Once you feel yourself starting to accept yourself more postively you might feel more anxiety or panic. This is normal. Sit with it, push through it, it won't last. One last point; you will know when you have moved on and healed because you will not feel so distressed when you are brought into contact with the positive mothering experiences of others. Asking friends to stop talking about their mothers is effectively denying them THEIR experience. I am not saying that you will never feel sad because it is such a deep and devastating trauma but it is like a bereavement in many ways. Its hold on you will lessen and I can assure you that you are absolutely not alone on this journey.