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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Live after betrayal?

18 replies

Lilolily · 02/05/2020 12:56

Some of you may have read my post about finding out that my bf was seeing someone else for the past 3 months.

It’s been a week since I found out and ended it and I miss him so much, I feel totally lost and the only person I want to talk to is the one I can’t.

He has been in touch only once (to be fair, I did tell him never to contact me again) to apologise and explain. Says he wanted to end the other relationship but was weak, got carried away with the attention after a long time of no affection at all. He only ever saw a future with me, hence the reason I met his parents etc and is devastated he has hurt me like this, would do anything to make it right.

He has messaged and apologised to the other girlfriend but didn’t say any of the making it right/seeing a future with her stuff. She didn’t meet anyone in his life and as soon as I found out he blocked her and hadn’t made contact until the apology or since.

She’s ok, hurt but fine and moving on, she hadn’t yet developed deep feelings for him, whereas I had.

I am in love with him.

I’m so hurt and disappointed in what he has done, But i was SO happy. So authentically myself when I was with him. I keep thinking if I love him should I just give up on it? Could we get past it?

I’m a very strong person and have dealt with way worse than this in the past. I just don’t know what to do.

Do I just let it go despite my love for him, or do I give it a second chance if it’s all in no secrets?

OP posts:

babbi · 02/05/2020 13:00

I’m sorry that this has happened to you .
It’s very tough and you cannot think straight in the early days of this type of heartache .
However to be honest .. he’s shown you who he is .. I would move on .
You were happy but only because you weren’t seeing his true colours .
You would always have a nagging doubt about him .. you’ve seen his capacity for deceit .
You can do better ... life and relationships are hard enough without starting with this amount of grief so early in.

Take a leaf out of the OW book and be happy without him
Good luck

Eesha · 02/05/2020 13:03

I think if you haven't hit rock bottom, take him back. But he will cheat and one day you will really feel like you don't want him back. My friend kept on taking her ex back until it was one too many and she stopped. No one can tell you what to do.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2020 13:03

Learn the lesson from this the first time. He's a cheater and only sorry because he got caught. Raise the bar and move on.

Cantpickausername5 · 02/05/2020 13:10

Like many people have said over and over again, the start of any relationship is the honeymoon period and if that's already gone than its only downhill from now on. Sure you'll have a about a month of lovely make up time but than it's anxiety and lack of trust for ever more. You already said he was back on tinder in your last post so it not like his crawling through a river of shit to win you back here is he? Sorry but you have seen him for who he really is and after taking you to meet his parents, he than takes her to his house for 2 days straight after. Disgusting. Grive and heal your soul and meet someone who treats you like you deserve as you sound so lovely and deserve it. Not this Mr nice guy pretender

PixelatedLunchbox · 02/05/2020 13:19

Here are 5 Reasons Why You Should LEAVE When They Cheat:

Cheating Is NOT A Mistake:
Life On Earth Is Too Short:
There’s Someone (s) For YOU:
You Will Help Them Grow:
You Are Deserving Of A Quality Relationship:

(from theblackmedia.org)

Original poster

Lilolily · 02/05/2020 13:35

Thanks all. I’m struggling and missing him so much but was doing ok I think. Last night my best friend attempted suicide for the 5/6th time. I was on the phone to her whilst she was taking the pills, I called her kids and got them to call an ambulance and get there (I live 30 miles away and don’t drive).

All I wanted was to speak to him, cry to him.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2020 14:14

I'm very sorry about your bf, and I hope she will be ok. However, I think you should keep this in the front of your mind when you think you miss him... He didn't miss you at all during the three months he was cheating on you. You deserve far better than that selfish prick.

SpyApp · 02/05/2020 14:18

You say you were your authentic self with him. That's the you he cheated on. Why would you want to give him the chance to shit all over your authentic self again?
Your authentic self needs to have a stern word with herself IMO.

mamato3lads · 02/05/2020 14:23

@Lilolily

I'm sorry about your friend, that's incredibly sad. I hope she is in safe hands.

My advice to you? As sad as it is, forget all the nonsense he's feeding you. That all went to shit the second he decided one girlfriend was just not enough for him.

He's shown his true colours I'm afraid.

Take him back if you want but I assure you hand on heart, he will do it again. Why not? You forgave him once....

Scarydinosaurs · 02/05/2020 14:24

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

The narrative he is creating (you’re the one I wanted, he’s told her it is over etc) is so convenient for him isn’t it?

I don’t know how you can trust a word he says. He spent three months fucking this other girl (who meant nothing!) knowing it was risking his relationship with you.

I’m sorry about your friend. Call your other friends/family and lean on them. You don’t need him.

Loveabitofrain · 02/05/2020 15:21

I echo what everyone has said. I too am a week in after forgiving multiple times!! Making myself ill in the process. Sure I miss having him around but I don’t miss the worrying, wondering who he’s messaging etc.

YOU deserve better he’s a selfish cock! And he thinks with his cock too!!

Focus on YOU! Here if you want to talk x

Dery · 02/05/2020 15:27

“Says he wanted to end the other relationship but was weak, got carried away with the attention after a long time of no affection at all. He only ever saw a future with me, hence the reason I met his parents etc and is devastated he has hurt me like this, would do anything to make it right.”

Yeah, right. Forget him. Move on. You sound great and you deserve so much better.

PicsInRed · 02/05/2020 16:18

All I wanted was to speak to him, cry to him

"Him", that guy, doesn't exist.

The guy who shagged around is the real him, and he's a cunt who doesn't give a shit.

He'll ruin your life.

BelleHathor · 02/05/2020 16:56

Same script different person. Stop being a "pick me" they all say the same thing as they slip, trip fall in other women. Sure stay with him but you get a "free pass" for another guy in the future, see how receptive he is to that... you're in love with a fantasy, because the truth is if he loved you he wouldn't have cheated. Find your anger 🥊

SandyY2K · 02/05/2020 19:03

but was weak, got carried away with the attention after a long time of no affection at all.

If he's saying he got no affection from you, he should have ended the relationship.

Original poster

Lilolily · 02/05/2020 21:31

@SandyY2K no he was in a marriage with no communication or affection for a very long time before meeting me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lilolily · 02/05/2020 21:32

You are all correct, Thankyou for your advice. I was feeling weak but I didn’t message and I won’t.

I deserve someone who would never dream of cheating.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 02/05/2020 21:45

no he was in a marriage with no communication or affection for a very long time before meeting me.

So he decided now he would get attention from as many women as he could at the same time. That's a very poor excuse for cheating ....makes me wonder if he was truthful about the marriage, but that's my the by now.

You do deserve better.

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