Am I crazy? So jealous of my siblings.

[ProbablyNeedTherapy]

NC because this is SO outing. I’m actually going to omit a few key details as to try and not make it TOO outing. I’ll also try to condense as much as possible as I hate long threads.

My parents had me as teenagers. My dad was mostly absent, he is not listed on my birth certificate, and when he was around the only early childhood memories I have are of him and my mum fighting, smashing things, screaming and swearing in my face, calling me a slut (at 11!). My mother worked full time and I spent a lot of time at my grandparents.

My dad moved back in with us when I was a teenager, we moved far far away from my grandparents, family and friends, and they had two more kids. We moved around a few more times and I went to 4 different high schools in the space of three years. My schoolwork suffered beyond repair and I dropped out.

Obviously they were in a much better place, financially, emotionally etc when they had my siblings than when they had me, but I can’t help but feel so jealous of the life they have. They are both late teens now, have had a stable home, never moved schools, both parents present and of sound mind, never had to move away from their friends and family, endless fun OS holidays.. I could go on.

Something inside of me can’t wrap my head around the fact that my biologically full siblings, from the same two parents, have the life that I wanted so badly as a child. My two siblings also have each other and are so close. Something else I always wanted. I was always alone. It just doesn’t seem fair. I’ve tried to talk to my mother about it in recent years and she has pretty much outright told me I’m insane and should seek some counselling. I mean, it’s probably not a bad idea, but am I really crazy to feel this way? She says she did her best, and she probably did. And to be fair we did have some good times when it was just the two of us. But these days I’ve even unfollowed them all on social media because I just can’t bear to see all the happy family snaps.

How do I get over this?

I think it’s totally understandable and normal for you to feel this way but but counselling would help you move past this, for your own sake

Poor you op, it’s understandable that you’re feeling jealous but it’s such a destructive emotion, don’t let it get in the way of you having a positive relationship with your younger siblings. Do you see much of them, maybe building a closer relationship might help? You are still part of this new family as you were the old one.

I look at my youngest and know he's had a better start to life than my older children. No divorce, more spare cash and he's basically been an only child most of the time so he gets lots of attention. There is no way your parents don't realise the same thing.

I'd get some counselling because what you feel is normal but hard to cope with.

I’m in a similar position, though with half siblings, my mum dropped me, my DB and Sis on my Grandparents who were alcoholics and violent towards each other when we were babies. She would flit in and out if our lives as she pleased. Usually leaving when she’d got what she wanted from my GP’s and never told us she was going (she’d be gone when we returned from school). I won’t give loads more detail but it was a horrible experience for all of us.

When I was 15 she met my now Step Father, they had two DC (my youngest DB and DSis) and they’ve had a charmed life by comparison. But that’s just it, comparison, it’s not easy to separate the two experiences because a lot of the time, whilst you want to be happy for your siblings that they have what they have, it’s very difficult to move past “why couldn’t I have that too?”. I was actually NC with my Mum as a result until I became pregnant and initially got back in touch with her for family history, from there we started forming a relationship and I can see how much she has matured since I last had contact with her. So I am doing my best to let go of the past (after having had a very long conversation with her and her being aware of the faults, offering her experience alongside it and apologising very genuinely about it). I am now actually proud of how she managed to face those regrets and character faults when she had my youngest siblings.

But it takes time, open conversations and yes, counselling if you feel you’d rather get it out of your system with a third party first just to get the emotions out and organise your thoughts and feelings on the situation.

Good luck OP.

I feel for you. As I was reading, I felt that the best thing would be to talk to your parents and hear their take on this until I read this sentence:

I’ve tried to talk to my mother about it in recent years and she has pretty much outright told me I’m insane and should seek some counselling

That's very hard to take. I'm sure your mother did do her best and maybe she felt attacked but I have a hunch you'd feel a lot better if your parents told you that they did their best but they know you had challenges your siblings don't have.

Counselling would definitely help though, I'm sure (with the right counsellor).

I agree about the counselling, it could help. But also about trying to build on your relationship with your siblings. It's not them together and then you, it's all of you together

I think that is basically the whole crux of the matter really, I would just like some acknowledgement that things were so hard for me, especially as a teenager.

I was living in a new place, lonely, missed my friends and family back home, kept moving schools, and had two new small siblings who took priority. I guess I felt forgotten about and neglected, and now said siblings are of a similar age and obviously are not facing the same struggles, I feel quite resentful.

Not that I would wish that upon them obviously. I am glad they have a different life. But I guess I just want my parents to hear that that was not my experience in any way, shape or form. You’re right, my mother has gotten very defensive every time I try to bring it up. I have given up now, as it was quite pointless and usually just upset me even more.

Tbh, I’m actually not even sure they remember most of what happened back then. They make me feel proper crazy when I talk about it.

But also about trying to build on your relationship with your siblings. It's not them together and then you, it's all of you together

I guess there is such a significant age gap that it’s never really been all of us together really. They obviously still live together and are close while I haven’t lived at home since they were small. They are actually closer to my children’s ages than mine.

I really feel for you OP, that sounds really hard. I agree, its completely understandable amd human that you would feel this way and therapy may help you to process those experiences and move forward. I wonder if it may also help to focus on what you have learned from your experiences: for instance, maybe you have a strong sense of what not to do as a parent/partner and potentially also compassion through your lived experience for those going through similar things. That is really valuable.

I wonder if it may also help to focus on what you have learned from your experiences: for instance, maybe you have a strong sense of what not to do as a parent/partner and potentially also compassion through your lived experience for those going through similar things.

You know, I have literally never thought of it that way before, and I’ve mulled over this a LOT in the last couple of years. Thank you! That was really helpful.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I am reading every one of your posts.