Is my past hang up ruining my future?

[Loulou249]

Looking back, my ex boyfriend was not a good guy, in fact, in retrospect, the whole relationship should have ended straight away. T was in the army and had tendencies to fly off the handle very quickly. He manipulated me in so ways and my confidence took a big hit, I became dependant on him as opposed to being my normal confident independent self. My family could see what was happening and hated him, in fact my mum was scared of him and refused to be alone in a room with him. While we were together I was sure he cheated many times, I'd have messages from girls saying they'd been with him, see messages on his phone pop up from girls and he'd lie about everything. I even caught him asking for nudes from a girl while he thought I was asleep. I ended things in September last year, and 2 hours after I finished things he was sleeping with somebody else.

When I first ended things he tried to manipulate me into staying by saying he'd kill himself. After finding my housemate deceased the previous year fom suicide, he knew it was a way to get at me. Following that He turned up ourside my gym while I was inside, supermarket's while I was shopping, he would drive slowly past my house. Since that has ended he has been sending messages to family members asking to pass on messages to me or aggressively asking them about my current relationship status. He has made things pretty difficult the last few months. The most recent message was one to my mum telling her about all the cheating and apologising for it.

Since ending things with T I have met the most incredible man, z. Z knows little about my past relationships, we're both very much looking forward type of people. Although I do truly love z, he's everything I could want, I find trusting him difficult. He's never given me any reason to distrust him, it's all on me. I think that maybe because if my most recent past relationship that's why I'm finding it hard!? Sometimes we'll just be cuddling up, watching TV and I will physically push away from him in a panic. I worry that I'm letting myself get too attached just for him to hurt me. Sometimes he'll get a text from a girl on him phone and I find myself overthinking it and worrying he's cheating, or has feelings for someone else. Am I going insane? Am I just tarring him with the same brush? How do I get over it?

Sounds as though you have met the right guy at the wrong time. You need to work on yourself and build up your lost confidence and self esteem before focusing on another. Probably not what you would like to hear. But I wish you well. What you and your family have gone through is horrendous. My family and I have been there too and it was the worst time of my life. Well done for staying strong and not giving into his manipulations.

How much does your new BF know about your previous relationship? Does he know where you’re coming from if you do suddenly push him away?

As PP said, you need to do some careful work on yourself - probably involving therapy. It would be easier to do that as a single person but you may be able to do that from within your relationship. You do need to take things slowly with your new BF because you’re not in the right place to make any serious commitments at the moment.

Also, there is still a risk that you will be accepting of behaviour which is not good enough because your XBF’s behaviour was so bad (he was abusive) so anything may seem better in comparison. But maybe not because you have shown really good boundaries since finishing with your XBF - well done for standing firm.

If your XBF is still making a nuisance of himself, you might want to think about obtaining a non-molestation order.

You really do need to work through your previous relationship and that will be difficult while you’re in another.

You need to understand the red flags that were in your previous relationship and why you chose to ignore the. As wonderful as the new man is, you need to know yourself better before you can properly assert yourself in this new relationship.