No contact with Mother??

[Blutterflies]

I had an abusive childhood. Only realised as an adult. My parenting has obviously suffered as a result. I know what my faults are and realise I have issues.
I am unable to have therapy, can’t afford it.
My kids love their grandmother and she is a good grandparent.
I feel nothing for her. I feel she has robbed me of a childhood and changed who I am as an adult because of her abuse.
I really don’t want to see her or speak to her anymore. I can’t forgive her.
Is it possible for me to not see her or contact her whilst my children maintain a relationship with her? They are too young to facilitate contact themselves so would have to be my partner.
Has anyone else done something like this? I just want to be free of her and she has the perfect excuse to be in my life every day, pop over, call, text etc. (Obvs not at the moment but is still texting and video calling daily)
Has anyone gone no contact and realised it wasn’t the end of their problems or regretted it?
What do you say to the children when they ask why you don’t speak to your own mother? I’m not going to bad mouth her to them. She is not to them who she was to me.
I’m so confused.

People bought up in functional, loving homes, simply don't realise how difficult it is for those whose needs and feelings were never respected.

Small steps OP. You'll start to feel just that little bit more in control. You'll soon get the hang of it and will be putting the phone down on her in no time when she starts.

Yes, you really do need therapy, as you need that support and a non judgemental space in order to air those feelings. People are often very judgemental about those with poor relationships with their family because they've never experienced abuse from those meant to care for them.

You need to start ignoring and keeping away from those who wish you harm. You need to start protecting yourself. Surround yourself with kind people, those who want the best for you and build you up. You've wasted enough time around criticism and negativity. Enough!

You're half way there. You have good insight into what's happened, so it's a good idea to start to process all that with professional help. Choose your therapist carefully as you want someone who 'gets' you.