Do you go out for meals with your parents & brother/sisters without your child

[thegardener]

Just wondered if you went out for meals without your child with your side of the family incl. brothers & sisters and meals out with IL'S & brother & SIL?

We haven't really, we see everyone regularly and don't feel the need to see more of them by going out for meals etc.

Without your child? We go out 2 to 3 times a year with PIL with our 2 neices and our dd, but only cause we get a free meal out otherwise would not bother. What the MIL wants and what we want are two different things!

Why are you asking? I'm guessing because its been mooted by family?

Yes, you guessed it! It's from my parents though, don't know whether we'll also get it from pil too

Ds usually has a nap at lunchtimes so i'm happy to cook and have them all round at mine, it would be nice to all go when ds is older and get a free meal

I know what you mean about wanting different things, my parents & inl's seem to take it in turns expressing theirs

Ooh this sort of thing drives me mad!

a) decide what you and your ds and dh are comfortable/happy with
b) think of any compromise you may be willing to make if you get pressure, then...
c) stick to your guns, like glue! Do not give in any further, that just invites them to try it on even more next time.

And if they get emotional...just say it is not your intention to upset them but things are as they stand. Then leave a silence for them to fill in...

Ah, if only it were that easy!

yes, just get a baby-sitter. No different to going out with friends for meals.

No. Kids are part of the family too aren't they? Luckily my in laws would hate to go out without the kids. Wouldn't see the point of just going out with us . Also like kids to stay up late as possible when we visit so as to have more time with them. My parents on the other hand....huge family scandal with DH and I being gossiped about as terrible parents with "NO RULES" because we let DS stay up till after 9 at the age of 3.

Agree with Ally90.

Yes, dh and I will go out with my brother and his girlfriend for a night out. Obviously we don't take the kids.

If it's in the day, we take them out.

v rarely on major occasions. we did for my mothers' 70th birthday for example.
but normally we like to see each others kids!

The difference between spending time with friends is that you actually want to go out for that meal/drink/whatever because you have more in common with them and they understand but with family when you get aggrivation from them because you have a family of your own to consider and want to do things your way and you see them regularly & work at that but they still don't seem to have got used to your new life(ds 18 mths)probably sister more now than parents.

I explained that it was excluding ds & thought it would be nice to include him & said they could come round for a meal at ours & also said it wasn't stopping them going out if they wanted to that's when my mum turned the emotional blackmail on.....but we want you to come witha sad face.

INL's have said they will pay for us to go out for a meal as they have treated B&SINL to meals out but they will suggest babysitting & coming over at teatime which is when ds is getting tired & iritable which as PIL are difficult enough to deal with we can do without that, it wouldn't really be easy for them to come later as they live 50 mins away.

Being a mum is hard work enough without having to deal with difficult people in your family, you just feel as if things seem to be getting better then you have start making more boundaries again.

I don't understand why you can't do both - we see family with kids most of the time, but sometimes it's great to see them without.
Why can't the in-laws come over either before teatime so they can play with your ds and maybe put him to bed for you, or after he is in bed. Sounds like they are trying to help,

Hmm...mother with wobbly pet lip syndrome?

Well she can be sad if she wants to. Still won't change how you feel. Keep putting you and your family first. Your mother is big enough to look after herself now, as is your sister and your PIL.

The situation is incrediably frustrating (probably...well from my experience) and irritating? As if you don't have enough to do keeping the boundries up for your 18mth old!

Keep doing as you are doing. You have given a compromise to your mother, and sounds like a nice one. Meals wihtout children can wait till YOU and YOUR FAMILY are ready. I know my dd is 17 mths and I'm not ready to leave her with a babysitter yet. Esp not for someone elses benefit. His feelings count too as you clearly realise.

PIL...very nice gesture, I would thank them for their kind offer but its not something ds is ready for yet due to his routine. Again, suggest something else if there is any compromise you can think you would be happy to make.

Sounds like you are doing fine with all this, families sometimes have problems letting go of their 'adult child' when they have new priorities ie child of their own. Just keep asserting yourself and if you feel frustrated...take up karate or something?

We go out for family meals a lot with DD, have done since she was born. That is with both my parents and siblings, as well as with inlaws.

DH and I have been out for drinks with my sister without DD being there, and also we go out with BIL/SIL without children too occasionally. Nice to have the child free time occasionally, and we are similar in age and we get to have a good chat and a laugh, without having to watch the children.

Would go out for a meal with PILs or my parents without DD if the occasion arose. It hasn't yet. Would be fine so long as we had the babysitters around - normally one or other of grandparents - to look after DD.

We also eat at their houses and them at ours, with children, a fair bit too.

We get on well with both sides of the family though so enjoy the social side of it.

We always used to go out with my family for birthdays until i became pregnant really so it is the 3rd yr of not doing it and since the arrival of ds, it has been one stress after another with my mum, my sister, my dad and PIL, just feel that i want to keep things as they are without seeing them anymore than we already do, i just don't feel i want to see them on a more social level than we already do, if you see what i mean.

I've made friends with a few mums from toddler groups and we have started going out more for meals etc (without kids) so don't really feel more of a need to see family aswell.

Cat64 it may sound great to you but you haven't met my PIL

What you feel counts, and if you feel like you don't want to do the regular family birthday meal thing anymore. That is okay! You cannot make yourself/ds/dh unhappy to make your mum/sister/father/pil happy. Where will it lead? To more unhappiness.

We don't have to always want to be with our extended families, it is okay and NORMAL to not always want to spend spare social times with them. You have a new life, requiring a new support network and you have every right to do that. Your life, NOT THEIRS!

There is an assumption from 'society' that families should stick together, spend time together, sometimes even live in each others pockets. This does not mean it is right and healthy for you to do this, or anyone else. To me this model of family is outmoded. We should be looking at a more flexible arrangement. Where families stop treating each other in a way they would not do someone off the street or a close friend, to allow that some family members do not want this, to give them space if they want it...

I could write a book... ;)

You do what is okay for you, not them.

And no they won't stop moaning about it for a long time, but as long as you are HAPPY your ds is HAPPY and your dh is HAPPY that is all that counts. Not wobbling lips and what you used to do ie do birthdays.

Okay...now I'm going to duck the abuse flying my way

Thanks Ally90 for your supportive messages.

I was starting to feel quite alone till i read your messages, it just feels that when you have one side of the family wanting to do one thing & the other wanting to do something else both at the same time is very overwhelming.

Don't know quite how we will deal with PIl yet, Dh thinks they will want to come over at tea time so doesn't want to take up their offer of babysitting.

Mil has invited us over for sat tea this week which will be stressful enough(i think, dh doesn't) as ds won't sit still for very long in his high chair. We usually feed ds on his own when we go to gp's as he get really distracted by gp's and won't eat his food.