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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone help re. Settlement but not married?

57 replies

31weeksgone · 01/05/2020 14:21

It’s a long back story but I need to leave my “DP”. Many a thread about it before, he’s been manipulating and quietly controlling so not feeling any empathy or warmth there at all.

I’ve lived with him for 7 years, been a mum for 5 or so to his (our) child. I gave up my job and career. We’re not married. I moved into his house, and he kept paying his mortgage.

Would I be entitled to anything at all when we split up? I know we’re not married but I’ve lived here for 7ish years and he’s paid the mortgage with family money for all of this time.

I’m going to be walking away to a while of struggling on benefits as a student too whilst he keeps his house and family mortgage paid.

Has anyone got any experience of anything like this at all and offer any advice? Sad

OP posts:
CancelH0l1dayz · 01/05/2020 18:55

Can you wait until you finish your degree & are employed FT ?

SandyY2K · 01/05/2020 19:34

It's his house and he's been paying the mortgage all these years....why would you think you've any right to some of it?

Original poster
31weeksgone · 01/05/2020 19:54

Because we agreed I would stay at home and do the childcare whilst he earned the money, it’s always been discussed as “Family” money just as my 9K a year student loan has gone on decorating, furniture, painting over the years or holidays etc. I couldn’t bring in money whilst being a 100% stay at home mum (when I was) or when I work for my degree, so he earned the money for the both of us whilst my childcare enabled him to work. Clearly I was naive and believed him when he said it was for the both of us - wouldn’t do that again.

OP posts:
Original poster
31weeksgone · 01/05/2020 19:57

I have another 4 years left of my degree and I’m trying my hardest to stay put and just tough it out but he is not a nice person in the slightest. Makes it difficult to earn your own money when you already work 38-50 hours a week as part of learning. I’ll be ok, need to figure out how I can earn some money and squirrel it away. I might try matched betting for a start.

OP posts:
TitianaTitsling · 01/05/2020 20:08

Is it a medical degree? With the another 4 years? If so who is/will provide childcare when you are doing nights?

SandyY2K · 02/05/2020 00:26

Your agreement worked while you were together...but if/when you split up...you're just parents who share a child and his legal obligation is to jointly support the child.

Haffiana · 02/05/2020 00:59

It is a bloody disgrace that children are not taught about the legal protections and implications of marriage/civil partnership as part of the school curriculum.

Even when it come up on these boards it normally gets shouted down by some utter knobs who prattle on about how the marrieds are sneering and looking down on them, and that they of course chose not to get married yet are in a secure financial position blah blah. So, SO many women, like OP are not in a secure financial position.

OP, the only thing that have as a 'weapon' is to tell ALL his friends that he has left you penniless despite his promises and you putting all your money into the family finances. Tell everyone. Let them know what a thundercunt he is. And have a good, fulfilling life without him of course.

Sugartitss · 02/05/2020 06:28

i don’t think he’s a thundercunt.

he paid for the family home with family money, what else was he meant to spend it on.

yes you have looked after child but he’s also worked so you could go back to education.

you get nothing as you’re not married and if he has child 50/50 you won’t get maintenance.

MsTSwift · 02/05/2020 06:34

So sorry it sounds tough. Legally you are exposed here.

No woman should become a sahm unless married or they have independent means. Educate your daughters on this everyone please.

Ilets · 02/05/2020 06:47

Does he know you want to leave? How do your finances work eg joint account? If so, where do savings go?
You're only taking out of this what you personally own, and cms, so the only way to salvage a bit is to look at what you personally own and try to get more of it eg savings in your name, buy a car from joint savings but in your name etc

Meanwhile look into bursaries and benefits. You might do better than you think financially if you leave now. Four years is a long time to wait

ukgift2016 · 02/05/2020 06:53

Well I suppose you can say HE has been clever, when they split he have full ownership of the house.

OP has been incredibly naive but it seems quite a few women get into this situation. I think the blame more lies with the parents then with the schools.

TitianaTitsling · 02/05/2020 07:34

OP, the only thing that have as a 'weapon' is to tell ALL his friends that he has left you penniless despite his promises and you putting all your money into the family finances. Tell everyone. Let them know what a thundercunt he is.. But this might not happen? He's not 'left her penniless' as yet has he? As pp does he even know OP is ending the relationship? Who is providing the childcare while you are doing the 50 hrs a week?

HorseradishSnowflake · 02/05/2020 07:54

rightsofwomen.org.uk/

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 02/05/2020 08:58

I’m sorry op but I think you need to be realistic, you need to think carefully whether completing the degree is feasible without his financial support if you split.

But whatever you do, please do NOT start seeing yourself as a victim, it doesn’t solve anything, makes things more difficult for you and your kid and just disempowers you. You need to take responsibility for your own actions (past and future) in order to detangle yourself from this mess. It is true you shouldn’t have used your student loan for home maintenance or holidays, but I can’t see a way you would have been able to put a roof over your head, support yourself and your kid, have a nice house, go on holidays, and study full time without a job or on the £9000 a year your loan provides or without a job. He has been supporting you financially through this and you have enjoyed the benefits of his income and it important not to loose sight of that to enable that civil relationship you need to keep with your ex to co parent your kid well after you split.

Best of luck. 💐

Sicario · 02/05/2020 09:03

I think you need to get in touch with the Land Registry and register your interest in the house.

www.gov.uk/government/organisations/land-registry

I know for certain this can be done. A friend was co-habiting with his girlfriend for quite some years, no kids, and when they split up she claimed half the flat. There was nothing he could do about it. Because she had a "registered interest" in the property, he could not sell it. It was solely in his name.

I don't know the details of it but I expect you could find out more.

ivfgottostaypositive · 02/05/2020 10:12

However, before the Land Registry will enter your interest your ex-partner will be given opportunity to agree or object to the restriction. If they object to the restriction your application will be referred to the Adjudicator to the Land Registry. An Adjudicator is an independent person who is qualified to consider these disputes. They will hear all of the evidence and give judgement as to whether the restriction should be entered or not.

you haven't been together "that"'long really and he will easily be able to argue that you have made no financial contributions to the mortgage since you haven't drawn a salary in 5 years - your £9k student loans could be argued as just living expenses over 5 years and hasn't supported the household at all

user1487194234 · 02/05/2020 11:44

Just in case anyone reading this is in Scotland,the position is different there

user1487194234 · 02/05/2020 11:48

Educate your daughters
And your sons

ivfgottostaypositive · 02/05/2020 11:54

Educate your daughters
And your sons

Yes I do find it ironic there are so many threads about not valuing marriage, it's just an expensive piece of paper blah blah blah but then there are threads like these from those fully expecting the protections and financial protections from that bit of paper simply by virtue of the fact they had a child with someone having been together (at the time) less than 2 years

Nothingnothingnothing · 02/05/2020 12:06

People just don't know this. I have lost count of the people saying to me you have common law rights after a number of years. I was in the same position, looked after the children whilst he worked crazy hours and made extra mortgage payments.
The only hope OP has is to try and get an occupancy order as a victim of abuse.

I am suicidal at times, I have thought about torching his house when the kids have grown up. I'm totally fucked and won't afford private rent when they are no longer dependants as I'm on minimum wage jobs.

ivfgottostaypositive · 02/05/2020 12:26

victim of abuse.

None of us have sufficient information to judge him as an abuser. OP is looking for an "out" so it's easy to paint him as an arse just because she no longer gets on with him

WeekendW0rk1n · 02/05/2020 12:59

I am curious what sort of "settlement" were you expecting ?

You are not married

So you should have no entitlement to property, pensions, savings which are not held jointly

You could ask him to pay a deposit & tent for 6 months so that you could move out

There is a big legal difference between married and single

TitianaTitsling · 02/05/2020 13:26

I am suicidal at times, I have thought about torching his house when the kids have grown up. I'm totally fucked and won't afford private rent when they are no longer dependants as I'm on minimum wage jobs.
Seriously? you are being flippant l expect, you wouldn't actually consider torching someone's house?? Why are you unable to undertake further training/education once your children are no longer totally reliant? What about evening classes etc?

NothingNothingNothing · 02/05/2020 14:29

Seriously? you are being flippant l expect, you wouldn't actually consider torching someone's house?? Why are you unable to undertake further training/education once your children are no longer totally reliant? What about evening classes etc?

No I'm not being flippant, I've been tossed out like rubbish, it was my home too for decades, I planted a tree in memory of my late Dad in the garden.
There's not really any evening classes that would enable me to get a better paid job, I don't have many qualifications and I'm almost 50, I don't have the option to study full time so it's low paid work for the forseeable. There's 20 somethings with degrees unable to get decent jobs so I have no chance.