Dealing with feelings

[Joseyprocey]

Please don’t pounce on me for blaming the OW. This isn’t what I am doing, I just need advice.

My husband had an affair. We agreed to try again and are both addressing the reasons why he felt the need to do that. He made a choice. He is the person who broke my trust and he has felt my anger, hurt and disappointment about this and continues to do so as we rebuild.

The problem I have is with my emotions towards the OW. I am a really empathetic and logical person, but sometimes when we are discussing it (husband and I) I feel this really unpleasant venemous emotion towards her and say terrible things about her. I know she didn’t know me or owe me anything, but when I think about her calling him baby and telling her she needed him, and even once coming to my house when I wasn’t here, I just feel so much bitterness towards her and I don’t want to. I know there must be ways to let this go and be all zen about her but I haven’t found it! Any tips would be really helpful. I think what I am feeling is jealousy and insecurity but I hate how it is manifesting as this anger towards her. Has anyone been in my situation? Or have any advice on how to work on this?

I would try writing it all down, everything that you think and feel about her. See where that leads you.

Ultimately, you're feeling these things towards her, because it's safer than feeling them about the husband you've decided you want to keep. You may find that the feelings don't go, or worsen, because you are focusing them on the wrong person.

Or you may be lucky and it will all fade away in time, regardless of whether you manage to "process" it. Your body/subconscious mind is absolutely furious and devastated and no matter how compassionate and logical you are, your body will keep the score and these emotions will continue to surface, in a very visceral way if need be, until you feel properly safe again.

Best wishes - not a lot of guarantees available for your situation, unfortunately.