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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Any stories of your rock bottom and how you survived? I am not coping

41 replies

Fifty8hate · 01/05/2020 12:11

I am in the middle of what feels like a total breakdown of my world and life. I can’t see it ever getting better and feel totally alone.

Can anyone share stories of their own lowest point and how it got better even if they thought it wouldn’t?

OP posts:

Holothane · 01/05/2020 15:27

Hugs you’ll survive this, as another poster said take it bit by bit if you do half an hour do it in 15 minutes I’d did that at works years ago. When I had a spiteful female boss. Eat what you can banana 🍌 is good for sort of thing 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

mamato3lads · 01/05/2020 15:28

What you said to him was really nothing that bad though ?

Certainly not a reason to leave you

isthismylifenow · 01/05/2020 15:28

Plan autocorrect to thing. Apologies

Original poster

Fifty8hate · 01/05/2020 15:33

Telling him I wanted to move in with another man so I felt supported was cruel of me. He was supporting me I just wasn’t coping.

I did apologie a lot but feel this is all my fault. I loved him a lot.

OP posts:

AnnaNimmity · 01/05/2020 15:43

Oh dear OP. There's nothing I can say about the breakup that you will believe - but I think that we're in a global pandemic lockdown, and your partner should have taken that into consideration. He's blaming you and you're blaming you, and I really don't think that can be the case. In a few weeks or months time, you'll see that more clearly.

yes I've been at rock bottom after the end of relationship that I thought would be forever. It was horrible. No eating, smoking, drinking. I lost weight. I was ill. I was anxious. I couldn't sleep.

But it was the making of me actually. You do get through it. You do heal, and you do learn. It enabled me to get the job of my dreams - I'd never have been able to do it otherwise for various reasons. I have moved on, and recovered (and gained the weight back), and it's fine. You will too, you just can't see it at the moment, and the current situation makes it worse.

Take a day at a time. talk to friends. Stop contacting him (that's for your benefit) and try to do things like exercise, meditate, and it will get better.

mamato3lads · 01/05/2020 15:48

What other man OP? A family member, a mate, an ex boyfriend?

Sorry for the questions, just trying to understand what you did that was so bad he has left you because of it.

It seems an extreme reaction....

rvby · 01/05/2020 15:51

Look, it was cruel to say that to him.

I can imagine if my dp said something similar, it would break something inside me, tbh. Particularly if I had been supportive, and he wasn't seeing it and then said something like that. I would feel like a psychiatric nurse trying to talk down someone who didnt care how I felt, rather than a partner to someone, iyswim. And I might just feel, you know, I'm struggling too and I cant cope with this, I'm out of here. I don't think that is unreasonable - I think you see that and that is what hurts.

What happened to your relationship wasn't nice at all. What we are going through as a society right now is v v destructive. There are and will be casualties, and sadly it sounds like your relationship was one of them.

Its shit. That's an understatement. Its absolutely horrible. Of course you feel horrible. A dreadful thing has happened, a loss, and if this horrible virus wasn't here, maybe it could have been avoided. That hurts too - the randomness of it is doubly cruel.

You've had good advice on taking it minute by minute. Can I suggest writing down how you feel, as well. Over and over if need be. You will find sense in what has happened- it takes time but you will get there. You can and will survive this terrible event. I know that because I have also been there, more than once. I really do understand

Original poster

Fifty8hate · 01/05/2020 15:52

I said I would stay with a male friend he had never heard of before and who I had kissed once before and been on a date with a while ago.

I did tell him over and over that I was just distraught at the time and that I was very upset and not coping, that I didn’t know even what I was really saying. I also said that I recognised that it wasn’t acceptable and I begged for the chance to show him this in the weeks to come when I had got myself together again.

He said that I had pushed him to the limit. All this happened in the space of 1.5 weeks,before that we were very happy with no issues at all. I thought he loved me.

OP posts:

LovingLola · 01/05/2020 15:59

Give him time
He may feel the relationship is worth salvaging
Or he may decide what you said was such a betrayal that he won’t be able to trust you again
But start with forgiving yourself - these are awful times which will test even the strongest relationships

rvby · 01/05/2020 16:11

I thought he loved me.

I mean this gently, but what you said wouldn't have hurt if he didn't love you.

He is allowed to feel he has reached his limit.

I dont agree with pp who say he wasn't much of a partner if what you said caused him to end things. I can very well imagine myself trying not to be upset about my partner saying what you did - and then ultimately realizing that I just didnt feel safe anymore, and that I didnt want to be in a relationship where statements such as yours are thrown around as weapons, as a way to extort more and more support from me, during a time when I was already doing my best.

It sounds like you are really struggling but maybe he is too. Its cruel and unfair. And sadly a lot of it is due to the untenable situation we find ourselves in right now. These are extraordinary times, and not in a good way.

Perfectstorm12 · 01/05/2020 16:19

You sound like you are in a horrible place and in a great deal of pain. You can survive, absolutely, but it's not going to just stop and you need to find ways to pull yourself out of this. I'm pleased you have support but a lot of the work is going to be you by yourself, moment by moment, trying to find reasons for carrying on. It has got as basic as that for me in my darkest moments. Can you access therapy or contact a GP? I think you might need some further support especially if you are feeling suicidal. And also to reframe your beliefs about this situation. You said this 'can’t stop torturing myself that I made him fall out of love and leave'...this is a lie. You didn't do this, he made a decision that he had fallen out of love and he left. You didn't do this to him, it was his choice. Hopefully you will begin to believe this soon and then you can stop torturing yourself. It takes time though so try and be kind to yourself as you have a lot going on right now.

FlowerArranger · 01/05/2020 17:15

Both the fact that you said what you said, and also your reactions to the break-up, suggest that you were somewhat overwrought even before all this happened. It seems that you are not well anchored in yourself, and as a result you become overwhelmed, can't think clearly, and end up saying things that you don't really mean.

You would probably benefit from counselling and reading a few books about self-development, such as Mindsight by Daniel Siegel.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/05/2020 22:51

After I split with ex
The ending was so so abusive and threatening
Kids melted down
I was suicidal and could not cope

Started sertraline , went to see GP
Still on it and lockdown has been a blessing actually
Also started therapy last week online

There is hope and help my dear
But you need to acess it and it’s hard

And and had other dips too , always be proactive with the MH

Namechangervaver · 01/05/2020 23:07

@Fifty8hate I don't think what you said was so bad! I think he just used it as an excuse to leave.

I don't agree that if he didn't love you it wouldn't have hurt him. Seems like he reacted in anger instead of hurt. If my DP said that to me I would be pissed off but wouldn't leave him. Seems an overreaction, unless there's more you haven't said here.

zeberdeeanddougal · 01/05/2020 23:11

I don't know if this will help because the rock bottom I had was not one caused by a relationship breakup.

Many years ago I was in such a bad place that I could barely get out of bed. I had to give myself little daily goals like going to a nearby shop to buy some chocolate. It seemed like a huge effort at the time. I eventually got myself back on track.

As some of the other posters have suggested it would perhaps be a good idea to see a GP (if you can) or seek professional advice. You can ring the samaritans as well if you need someone to listen.

I hope things work out for you

overweightcat · 02/05/2020 08:51

You need to take it one day at a time and be gentle with yourself.
Contact your GP if you are really struggling.

I agree with PP who said if he didn't love you what you said wouldn't have hurt.
Am I right in assuming that if he didn't know about your male colleague before once you said you will move in with him it also came out you went on a date and kissed in the past? Because that can be a lot to take in one go - he all of a sudden found out about a male you are in frequent contact with who you have not mentioned before who you've had a romantic involvement with in the past and now are threatening to move in with that man.

If it was me and all that information was dumped on me at once I would assume that there's more going on than that. But of course I'm not sure to what extent you talked it out.

Please remember these are unprecedented times and emotions can be high all around, he might just need some time but it's hard to say without knowing the full story and if there might have been anything else going on behind the scenes.
Take care of yourself.

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