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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did I really do something wrong or have I just dodged a huge bullet?

35 replies

orangelucozade · 30/04/2020 23:04

Met a man on POF around a month ago. We have been speaking on WhatsApp and over the phone since then but have been unable to meet due to the current situation. We've been getting on really well and seem to share a lot of the same interests. The plan is/was to meet once lockdown is over and maybe go for a drink or bite to eat.

We chat often but not 24/7 which suits me as I'm still working full time. He's furloughed but at home with his son so we're both understandably busy and aren't our phones constantly. All fine (well I thought it was). We were chatting via WhatsApp on Sunday night about previous relationships and what we were both hoping to get out of dating. I asked, what I thought was a reasonable question, whether he was looking for a relationship or just sex. He explained he was looking for a relationship which was great news as that's exactly what I was looking for (I've had enough flings in my time).

The only reason I asked that question was because a lot of men and women use these dating websites now as a way to find something casual and I've learnt from past experiences to just check and make sure I'm on the same page as the other person. I really didn't see any harm in asking but it seems he's taken offence. After our chat I texted him to say good night, off to bed etc. He didn't respond until Monday afternoon asking me how my day was, all seemed fine at this point. Unfortunately on Monday night I came down with a really awful stomach bug. Had Tuesday and Wednesday off work but managed to drag myself in today but I've literally been in bed for the last 2-3 days. He texted me last night asking why I was avoiding him, I replied, apologised and explained I hadn't been very well but was feeling a bit better. He said he thought it was "weird" that I hadn't replied to him after asking that "funny question". Confused

I did point out that I had in fact spoken to him since then (texted to say goodnight on Sunday) and that he didn't respond until a day later. He said he thought it was strange that I would ask a question like that and then not speak to him for a couple of days Hmm. Again, I explained I hadn't been very well, had pretty much been bed bound and that I wasn't purposely ignoring him, I just couldn't bloody think straight. The fact I asked that question and then didn't reply for a few days was honestly just a coincidence. As mentioned above, we don't speak 24/7 so I really didn't see an issue going a couple of days without contact.
I've texted tonight to try and smooth things over, said "I do still really like you, hope we can still meet once this is all over and get to know each other a bit more). He's replied, again stating that he feels I purposely ignored him Hmm.

I've tried to meet him half way and I have explained time and time again I've been unwell. He's not once even asked me how I'm feeling which I think highlights how much of a nob he is. He just seems very paranoid and hell bent on having an argument. I don't need the stress, especially from someone I've only known for a month. I'm just wondering though, have I been reasonable, unreasonable, should have I done something differently, sent a quick message to say I wasn't well etc?? Or have I thankfully dodged a bullet? Blush

OP posts:
Cherrygirl3 · 30/04/2020 23:37

It could have all been academic anyway....without meeting him in person you may have met irl and found there was absolutely zero chemistry. No point in investing anything until you've actually met someone, chemistry is everything if you want to start a relationship. Also, they sometimes lie and say that's what they want when really they only want casual.

Hotwaterbottlelove · 30/04/2020 23:45

I think you meant your question in a general sense. As in, is he looking for a relationship. Whereas he took it to mean, was he looking for a relationship with you which is a much more serious question.

In his view you then didn't contact him much and that seemed off. I think you are both just victims of the crappy situation. A month of messages is too much with out having ever met.

Have you really just blocked his number without breaking up with him? So you've just ghosted him?

Candyfloss99 · 30/04/2020 23:52

You don't need to explain yourself to a virtual stranger.

orangelucozade · 30/04/2020 23:56

@Hotwaterbottlelove definitely worded it in a general sense but I can see where the confusion might have come from. If it wasn't for the current situation I would have met him a lot sooner rather than spending so much time texting/calling.

I think what I find a tad bit hypocritical is that I texted him on Sunday night and he didn't respond until a day later, which I have 0 issues with but when I didn't reply for a couple of days because of a genuine reason it's like I've committed this ultimate betrayal Hmm

I don't think I've ghosted him. After I texted him to say that I hadn't been ignoring him etc, he just read it and didn't reply so I took that as a "fuck you".

OP posts:
orangelucozade · 30/04/2020 23:57

Thank you @Candyfloss99 your absolutely right x

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 01/05/2020 00:08

He’s overreacting but I think you could have texted him rather than just ignoring him for 2 days. You can’t have been that ill.

Were you there?
Last thing I would want to do if I had a sickness bug that floored me is spend time texting people.

Poor man couldnt survive for a couple of days without a text? Yet he ignored op when it suited him? Double standards much?

Dery · 01/05/2020 00:14

It’s a totally fair question but I do wonder how effective it is for weeding out time wasters. Won’t a lot of people just say what they think you want to hear in order to get laid?

WhatTiggersDoBest · 01/05/2020 00:15

There's obviously people on this thread to whom this massive twat would be better suited Hmm , but I don't think you were being unreasonable and at this point, I would block him too because I can't stand people who keep bringing up perceived slights over and over and over and over (and over) again, if he'll do that over a little thing, he'll do it over a big thing. Also you don't owe him (or anyone else, including on this thread) an explanation. Hope you find someone nice who isn't passive-aggressive.

Jezebel101 · 01/05/2020 00:17

He's looking for a casual thing but didn't want to say straight up. Now he knows you're after more than that and latched onto the first excuse he could to end things. He's gaslighting you to extricate himself and play the victim.

Bullet well and truly dodged. I'm sorry you're disappointed but that kind of manipulation is very, very, bad news.

PumpkinP · 01/05/2020 00:28

Have you really just blocked his number without breaking up with him? So you've just ghosted him?

Wtf they aren’t together!! She hasn’t even met him to “break” up with him, this is why you don’t get overly invested in someone you’ve never met Hmm

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