Friend - does it sound like she is not interested anymore

[fromheretonowhere]

We have been friends for about 15 years, been through a lot together, supported each other, never had an argument.

We had our DC within less than a year of each other 5 years ago and from then on I noticed that she seemed distant sometimes and just not seeming as friendly even when we did meet up. Our DC barely know each other despite an 8 month age gap as she is not 'available' to meet up all together, only about 1-2 times a year. She went back to work after mat leave and I am a SAHM but now looking for work (DH thinks me being SAHM could be an envy issue).

The past two years she has not bought me a birthday card, when previously we have always exchanged cards and gifts (birthdays are two weeks apart this month). I still gave her a card and gift for each birthday (hers is after mine), and I got a text late in the day saying 'Happy Birthday' and nothing else, i.e I hope you are going out for a nice meal etc with DH and DC. This is all out of character with the way we always made a fuss of each other's birthday.

We last saw each other just prior to lockdown along with a mutual friend. In the past 6-12 months she rarely texts to just say hi or share some news; if I text I'll just get a reply of less than 5 words. Never asks how I am, any news from me etc. Since Christmas I'd say I rarely hear from her unless I initiate contact. I only text once 2-3 weeks or more since she's become distant, so I don't think that classes as being needy.

She always claims to have no money for meeting up for dinner, but about each month there is photos on Facebook with groups of other women at restaurants and bars. She does have long-term issues with her DH (not abusive, other issues which I won't mention) but this has been so as long as I've known her and she's been quite open about it. She last confided in me about 6 months ago with her DH's latest issue and I listened as I always do, did not offer advice or judgement (the issue is not something I know anything about anyway), and reiterated several times that I'm always available day or night for a listening ear.

Another curt 3-word reply to a text today and I'm thinking I should probably just stop contacting her and see where the friendship goes. DH says it sounds like for her she's moved on from our friendship for whatever reason and should back off.

I feel so sad and upset as I thought we were good friends and she once called me the sister she never had

I'm sorry that you are feeling sad and upset. Having known her for 15 years this must feel very hurtful.

Would you feel comfortable asking her why she has become more distant? Have you also tried reflecting on your relationship with her?

Sometimes though, as hard as it is; we just have to accept that friendships come to an end. They are transient things; just like everything else in life. Good luck. x

Friendships come and go, is she jealous of your child as that when it started? Is her child more difficult in any way? Does she feel you stole her thunder by having a child near the time she was having hers? It's hard to guess what's in her head without asking her. Is there a mutual friend who can find out for you? I would just mirror her effort and bother less, it could be life telling you there are other friends waiting to meet you who are more relevant to your life right now.

I'm afraid I probably agree with your DH and longtimecomin - for some reason, the reality and comparison of your lives with children has put her off. Could well be jealous of you being a SAHM. And is your child easier than hers, or some such?

Either way, she hasn't shared it with you, but she has checked out. It's v sad but I don't think it will change.

I think she's moved on from your friendship, she has other friends who she socialises with and she's giving you the cold shoulder.

As hurtful as it is, I think you need to back away now. You're not getting anything out of this relationship but hurt and disappointment. Life is too short for this crap.

SAHM jealousy is a real thing. Lots of people are happy with their decision to go to work, but some people would rather be at home and don’t want to listen to you talk about your life or what they see as “problems” when you have it better than them. I experienced similar - someone just absolutely dropped me without reason and no other explanation I can think of. I’m
Sorry for you OP - it’s a long friendship to lose!

She's just not that into you.

You just have to accept it and move on I'm afraid.....friendships unfortunately aren't for life and people do drift apart.

Something similar has happened to me with a friend, of 25+ years. Overall we're still friends, we maybe see each other twice a year and possibly speak 4 times a year. We are at very different points in our life, I don't necessarily agree with some of the choices she has made over the last couple of years and to be honest I'm bored of the drama and fed up of being the one who always makes the effort.

I have been in this situation- its very common and it hurts like hell.
You feel completely bewildered and stunned that someone is behaving so unkindly and apparently seems fine to throw away a valued friendship of many years.

Unfortunately you just have to let her. It sounds like she is struggling with something deep within herself and for whatever reason, you trigger something in her that causes her discomfort. Thats not your fault and it is 100% her responsibility to look at and examine. I agree it sounds like jealousy. You have no power over that, thats all on her to deal with. You dont need to apologise for your life, and you arent responsible for her feelings. Its very hurtful but I think you need to accept that this friendship is on its way out. You could try talking to her about it if you feel comfortable but if its that uncomfortable for her, she'll likely deny its even happening. Let her go. Sometimes we only have people in our lives for a season and maybe thats whats happening here. Let her go and move on and find other friends who care about you and support you.

Life is just too short for crappy friends.

Thanks everyone for your replies, and it gives me some clarity that I am reading the signs correctly that she's moved on from our friendship.

I have wondered about SAHM jealously, but then she was vocal about hating being on mat leave. We both have children with no issues so no need for jealousy of my child. Her career has taken off amazingly since returning to work while I'm probably going to struggle to find a job as employers seem to view being a SAHP for a few years negatively, but I guess she may not see it like that.

At my DC 4th birthday a year ago a relative of hers that I know with a similar age child came with her. Her relative said to me 3 times during the party in front of everyone: 'omg I can't believe you're still at home with DC,' 'as much as I love my DC I can't imagine anything so boring than being at home with them,' 'aren't you brain dead yet from being at home with DC?' and so it went on. My friend just sat there and said nothing, and I thought then they had clearly been discussing my SAHM situation prior to arriving at the party. I wondered then if there was jealousy on the part of both of them, as my DH thinks some people may be jealous that some people have the choice, and not that they necessarily want to be a SAHP.

Also could be an issue for her that our DH's have jobs that are at the opposite ends of an organisation structure, with my DH being at the top. I have never talked about DH's job, but I do wonder if this is an issue especially as her DH has always struggled to hold a job down for long.

I'm so sad that it looks like this is the end of a long friendship, but I'll hold the door open for her to contact me. We used to have such fantastic times, been away on holiday a few times, but I guess some people just move on for whatever reason.

Thanks everyone.

Your DH is her DH's "big boss"? Bit of a drip feed!

Have you addressed this issue with your friend at all?
Before giving up on the friendship, it's definitely worth asking her to make herself available for a phone call, where she can't just give you a three word text, explaining how you feel, and trying to make sense of what has happened. Then you can make an informed decision going forward.

Is it possible that she feels that you think you are superior to her? "She's jealous of your SAHM status... your DH is at the 'top' "of the organisation her husband also works at? Even unintentionally?

I wouldn't bother trying to address the situation with her OP. It's clear from your post that you have & want to be a good friend.... she has issues with you that aren't your problem.

The discussing your SAHM with her family member would be the deal breaker for me .... clearly she has been gossiping about you for the family member to call you out on it - how rude & it's absolutely NON of their business!

Maybe she has jealous issues due to your DP being successful & hers struggling to actually hold down a job as you said, maybe it's the SAHM situation .... who knows?

I would just cease contact & stop trying to contact her trying to fix it as frankly I just couldn't be arsed with her & whatever issues she has, like you said she always finds the time & money to dine out with other friends.

Time to cut your losses here.

To me it sounds like she has very little free time and even though you are/,were friends she prefers the company of others now. Sometimes people just evolve and grow out of people.

I've got a close friendship group here and we used to see each other all the time. As the kids grew and some of the husbands started doing stuff in groups together, the ones whose husbands weren't part of that group stopped being invited as much so now we have two groups although we are still friends but only meet up for big things usually. Everyone is just too busy to be able to see everyone.

But I would stop making an effort with her now, it's been too long.

She does have long-term issues with her DH (not abusive, other issues which I won't mention) but this has been so as long as I've known her and she's been quite open about it. She last confided in me about 6 months ago with her DH's latest issue

And your husband is at the top of an organisation structure, whereas her DH is at the bottom? And he struggles to hold down a job? That explains a lot. Your respective circumstances are now very different and she is feeling awkward. Possibly feels that she shared too much with you about her husband and his inadequacies.

Sadly, I think you need to step back. She knows you want to continue to be friends, and that you are willing to lend a listening ear. But right now this is too difficult for her.

@crustycrab & @TitianaTitsling

Sorry I didn’t make myself clear - no, they don’t work for the same organisation or even industry. Just trying to say that my DH is at the top of his organisation while her DH has always been in entry-level jobs that he can’t hold onto.

I don’t think being a SAHP has status, and according to MN you are a fool to rely on your DP/DH for financial support. I’d love to have had the job opportunity that my friend has had since having DC but I guess people often think the grass looks greener.

How old are your children? What is it that's stopped you going back to work if that's what you've wanted to do?

It sounds exactly like an experience I had with a 'friend' of 15 years. Also started after we both had dc.
I tried to keep friendly for 2-3 years, while suspecting I was being brushed off. It became very obvious though, when I called at the start of the summer holidays to see if we could meet up with the dc, and she claimed to have plans for every single day of the holidays! I felt a proper fool and never contacted again. Should have done it sooner!

Sorry to read this. It's happened to me too on more than one occasion.

It does sound as though she has moved away from you, for whatever reason.

Quietly drop her and concentrate your efforts on those who appreciate you

Sorry that sounds abrupt! Distracted by DC jumping at me!

I've noticed a few of these threads recently.

I'm sorry this is so upsetting for you. I must admit I have probably been guilty of this on a few occasions, and it makes me wonder if there is a good way of handling this type of issue more transparently.

I'll admit to being someone very independent and extroverted who has always moved around internationally for work and travel, and need a lot of my own space so that may play into it. I have a lot of family members and friends I keep in touch with regularly, but as we get older and lives/people/values change and we meet new people, there just isn't the time, space or desire to hang on to every friendship in the way that benefits both individuals. Maybe she is envious of you, or maybe she is just not that into you anymore.

It's a bit like ending romantic relationships via the slow fade, except trickier as we can have lots of friends, but usually just one partner! I don't want to be cruel, but with some people I just feel my desire to engage fizzling out and possibly assume, rightly or wrongly, that the feeling is mutual. These things happen, there is usually no malice in it, and sometimes we unexpectedly reconnect further down the line.

Whatever the reason, I wouldn't spend much time dwelling on it or trying to figure it out. I wouldn't confront or question her her on this either. When that has happened to me it has just come across as antagonistic and desparate, much like when a spurned romantic partner does this, and just makes things awkward should you run into each other again.

Focus on yourself, your family and other friendships. Get out there and make some new ones too. This too shall pass

Friends are supposed to make you feel about yourself. If your friend is spending time with you and it’s making her feel small or jealous or unhappy due to mum guilt/wishing she had more time at home/wishing her husband was more successful, she won’t want to spend time with you. This is NOT your fault though - unfortunately it happens a lot.

Sorry to hear what your going through. I agree with SausageCrush, its time to move on. Sounds like you have tried your best to maintain the friendship but don't hurt yourself any further by continuing contact. Make the decision to take control and end the friendship. I am experiencing the same thing and have decided to call it a day. Good and loyal friends are hard to find, there's someone out there just hoping to find a friend like you.