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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What should I do?

29 replies

N40MLP · 30/04/2020 19:38

I posted the below on a different thread as I did not know how to create a new thread. I got a couple of replies, but sadly not what I’d hoped for :-(

Hello,

Have never joined or added anything to a forum before, but really don’t know what else to do.

To give a bit of context, my little girl is 18 months and I’ve been married since 2017.

Since me and husband have been together, I guess there’s been several ‘red flags’ along the way. I won’t bore you with them all, but to summarise:
-have owned a house since 2014, I bought it myself but in all that time my husband has never paid anything towards the mortgage or bills. He does not have any financial responsibilities, but told me he was giving £1000 per month to his mother to buy her house- we never discussed this.

  • he has never paid a penny towards our car
  • he pretty much made me go back to work 3 months after giving birth as we were ‘in it together’
  • I ended up developing PND to which I was told to ‘pull myself together’
  • 2 months later, he decided to leave his job to be a stay at home dad, we did not discuss this, he just did it
  • my dad very generously gave us £25,000 to complete some hone renovations, he asked for £3,000 to buy and sell motorbikes as a ‘business’, all the money is now gone and there are no motorbikes
  • during his time as a stay at home dad, he pretty much sits on his laptop playing online poker - he will give our daughter an old mobile phone with YouTube on it to keep herself busy. He has taken her out in a few occasions, tbf, but they’re always fairly short lived and would definitely say his laptop gets more attention. This is particularly sad as I would have dearly loved to have been a stay at home mum
  • in addition to above money issues, a few years ago I found out he was in £15,000 debt with his sister - he did not tell me about this, I found out from her. Anyway, I borrowed the money from my dad to pay it off (my lovely dad) so we could start afresh with no worries.
  • all of the above, I could (and did) forgive as I love him - but then the other week I found out he was sending flirty texts to another woman living near us. She was lovely, she mentioned her husband several times so I don’t blame her
  • since then, he has been generally really cagey with his phone. In addition, he goes out on ‘walks’ with a ‘friend’ most days whilst our daughter is napping and I’m working from home
  • he still spends 90% of his time on his laptop and phone.
  • today, he took our daughter out for a walk, I then had an unexpected break from work and followed to join them - he was on a phone call that he abruptly ended, picked up our daughter (who was enjoying the walk) and walked very quickly home

I have to say, I’m no angel - due to PND, I have been really down, drinking a lot, not wanting to do house chores after work because I’m so tired, generally not really fun to be around. I’m working on that. I signed us up to couple’s counselling, but he refused to join so I just left it.

Am I being really stupid, I still really love him and want this to work but more and more things are seeming really dodgy. I used to be fairly attractive, I guess, but since giving birth I have had zero confidence - maybe that’s something to do with it? What should I do?

OP posts:
MrsDoylesTeaBags · 30/04/2020 19:51

What should I do?

You know what you should do don't you? You don't need permission or approval, he's dragging you down and he's not being a partner to you.
If he won't go to counselling then I don't know how you can have a happy outcome I'm sorry.

chipsandpeas · 30/04/2020 19:53

kick the fucker out

category12 · 30/04/2020 20:08

What on earth do you love about the sponging, lazy asshole?

ladymary86 · 30/04/2020 20:14

He sounds a delight!

Get financial documents together, get to a lawyer and kick the fucker out. Simples.

longtimecomin · 30/04/2020 20:21

Yes you're being REALLY stupid. Dump him now, get rid, you couldn't have picked much worse, your boundaries are appalling. Sorry but just get out.

Holothane · 30/04/2020 20:23

Get rid another waster .

ConnieDoodle · 30/04/2020 20:27

Holy shit op. Dont do anything yet! What a mess!

You need to talk to a solicitor before you make any sign you're doing anything. Seriously. He is a sahd, run up debt, is financially abusive, having an affair, gambling, and you had all the assets.

Stay calm. Really, really calm. When youre working get the number of a solicitor and the. Take your child out for a walk and call them.

Do not give your wanker husband any clue yet.

I wouldnt be able to not comment on his poor parenting though. I would absolutely be telling him i was disappointed with his parenting and upset for your child as it just wasnt good enough.

Temple29 · 30/04/2020 20:31

You really do need to call it a day OP, very sorry. I don’t think he is going to help you get through your PND and will probably make you feel worse.

Could you ask him to leave? Or could you stay with your dad and put the house up for sale?

My FIL was like this and living off MIL for 30 odd years. Never contributed a single thing to the household or his children and her life was hell, she could barely makes ends meet. Eventually one of the kids asked him to leave when they grew up because MIL couldn’t stand up to him herself. Much happier now.

Krazynights34 · 30/04/2020 20:34

Jesus Christ- he saw you coming didn’t he?
Sorry if that’s harsh but he’s a useless, self-indulgent, sponging, cruel, lazy cunt.
If those aren’t enough reasons to leave him, what would be?
And fuck me - do you even know for sure he owed his sister money?
Are they in on this together?

ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 30/04/2020 20:39

You need to get legal advice.
Do not tell the lazy arsehole that you are getting it.
Find out where you stand financially.

Get support from your family and your friends.

Bear in mind that you do not love HIM, you love the idea of who he is.

Been there, got the scars and fortunately cocklodger cunty XP is out of my life, and even though I still "love" him, he was not that person. He was a fat lying cheat who put me in A&E. Thank f**k I didn't marry him.

Fairycake2 · 30/04/2020 20:45

Divorce the twatt and quickly! You've only been married 3 years so you might be able to argue more effectively that the house was yours before you married and therefore he's entitled to very little. Get advice and kick him out once you have your ducks in a row. Get some support in RL and contact your GP again for help with your PND. Wishing you lots of luck 💐

Notverybright · 30/04/2020 20:55

Leave the bastard. Ignoring you beautiful daughter like that is the worst thing. As well as telling you that you had to go back to work when she was 3 months old.

Making major life decisions without consulting you shows he has no respect for you. Imo respect is the most important thing in a relationship, more than love.

The money, the creeping and the possible affair are the cherries on top.

Gobbycop · 30/04/2020 20:59

He sounds like a useless partner and father.

Ditch him.

tarasmalatarocks · 30/04/2020 21:05

A total loser, get some legal advice and quick,

Toilenstripes · 30/04/2020 21:05

Please get legal advice. He’s a cocklodger. The longer he acts like he’s a SAHD the more you will have to pay him when you chuck him out.

NotMyNigel · 30/04/2020 21:08

Get legal advice but don’t tell him anything. If he’s a SAHP and not working and you are, then he may try to get residence of your child.

Elieza · 30/04/2020 21:50

Leave him.

Get legal advice in secret for sure to make sure you can do what you need to in order to protect your assets which are your daughters inheritance.

If he gets his hands on half your house money he will squander it like everything else he’s had. And if you have to sell the house in order to give him half the money you will be homeless.

Neveranynamesleft · 30/04/2020 21:59

Looks like the general consensus of opinion is.....hes a loser. Get the ball rolling as much as is possible now and prepare yourself for the new life you deserve.

lifeisgoodmostofthetime · 30/04/2020 23:40

What do you love about him? Everything you've said is negative. What is there to love? He seems like a free loader and a shitty dad and husband.

Original poster
N40MLP · 02/05/2020 12:21

It’s so weird, I’ve been up and down on the decision this week. Sometimes he’s so lovely and will hug me and tell me he loves me, then resume sitting on his laptop with earphones in. Yesterday, instead of going for a ‘walk’ with his ’friend’ whisky I was working and daughter was napping, he went for a nap - I went upstairs to get something and he was watching porn :-( it’s all so clear when I write it down that I can do better than this, then we have these intimate moments or I will see one of our wedding/honeymoon pics and I think it’s all too much to get rid of. I do love him, he is funny and can be really sweet. In addition, if I was to leave him, what on earth would I do for childcare? I wouldn’t want her going to be with him as we’ve established listed his parenting isn’t the best. But I have to keep on working as I’m responsible for 100% of the mortgage and bills, I cannot afford to go part time or childcare - no childcare centres are open anyway and due to lockdown I cannot have family round to look after her.
Also, is it true he might get half the house just for us being married? The house is solely in my name and I can prove he has never contributed - apart from the money he’s ‘borrowed’, we’ve always been financially independent?

OP posts:
NotMyNigel · 02/05/2020 12:28

These are questions you will need to work out with a solicitor. But yes, he will be entitled to a share of the equity in your house, depending on how long you’ve been married.

And of course he has made a financial contribution if he’s been a SAHP! He has saved you half the costs of childcare that you would have otherwise paid. He also might want residence of your child if he’s been the main carer.

But you knew all this when you both decided that he would be a SAHP.

Weenurse · 02/05/2020 12:32

Be careful, as the stay at home parent he maybe entitled to the house and financial support from you

Original poster
N40MLP · 02/05/2020 13:06

Apologies, that’s double standards right there! A stay at home dad contributes just as much as a stay at home mum, of course. My bad

OP posts:
NotMyNigel · 02/05/2020 13:09

I’m not trying to monitor your political correctness. I’m not saying he’s made a big contribution. On the contrary he sounds like a waste of space.

But that’s how the law might see it. That’s why you need legal advice.

At least look at the Relevant threads on MN and you will see links to good websites.

TwentyViginti · 02/05/2020 13:17

OP I could hug you and tell you I love you - would I mean it?

Look at what he DOES rather than listen to what he SAYS. He keeps you sweet so you and your dad will carry on bankrolling his lifestyle.