Unhappy wife of 19 years wants to separate

[saxon1]

After being with my lovley wife and mother of our 2 fantastic children for ninteen years i was told 2 days ago shes not happy with me and wants to seperate im crushed im a gentle man always wants to do no harm we have a lovley home cars jobs holidays and the thought of throwing this away is kiling me im lost and alone and cannot take this no more im crushed ,deep down im thinking it may possibly be something hormone related due to having a hysterectomy few months back and making not think straight as she loos so it with all the stress and it heartbreaking to see her like this ,she said she wanted space to think so i moved up the loft for that as i cannot afford nor want to leave the house as im scared once that happens its done ,with the hystorectomy and the menopause ive been told this may be having a part within this i hope it is as her reason for throwing away the marridge is tiny has anyone had experiences like im going through or had the menopause and felt they make incorrect decisions im lost as to what to do i love my wife more than she can ever imagine please any help would be grateful

I’m sorry this has happened.
I think you need to give her space but also ask her what her reasons are to see if there is an option to work through things .
If she does talk listen very carefully to what she has to say and then reflect on it .

I would avoid making assumptions regarding hormones etc .. I don’t think that this is helpful in general.

we have spoke and the reasons could be worked on and im allowing space for her to think ,absolutley agree id never mention hormones but its killing me thinking this may be playing a large part due to her having all the signs

plus the lockdown and not been able to go out may be a part too

I'm sorry you are going through this but women don't suddenly become mentally unhinged because of menopause or hormones.

Please listen to her actual reasons and good luck working through them if it's what you both want.

we have a lovley home cars jobs holidays and the thought of throwing this away is kiling me

What about losing her? What's your relationship been like? Or is it just about all the possessions you share?

thankyou both

What reasons did she give?

I would never want to lose her the relationship has been fine we rarely argue and always get on perfect, possession wise i was just making a point that we have a great hub and it would kill me to see it go and the kids not to carry on enjoying what we have always gave them

“women don't suddenly become mentally unhinged because of menopause or hormones.“

While this is true on an individual level, it is also true on a population level that the menopause age range (45-64) is when unhappiness, depression/mental disorders and suicide in women peaks. There is nothing wrong with recognising the OPs wife is in a period of her life where she is at elevated risk.

This must be so hard for you, and so painful.

You are doing the right thing in giving her as much space as the lockdown permits. I can only echo the advice given above, that it is important to really listen to what she tells you and not tell her she's wrong, however hard you find it to believe her feelings have changed.

However hard it is for you to understand, try not to think you can make her feel differently - after all, she cannot make herself feel differently either.. How she feels is how she feels.

Try to keep your dignity too. You must feel very crushed but begging and pleading won't help. Yes, tell her how sad you are, but also know that if the love has gone on her side, you can't make it come back, and you need to hold up your head.

You should try couples counselling

@saxon1 you're going to need to ask her why she wants to separate, and to keep asking (gently), ask for examples, ask her what she wishes the relationship was like, etc.

Without getting upset at her answers, you need to just gather the information from her without arguing with her about it, if you see what I mean? Once you have the info regarding what has brought her to this point, you can decide what to do next.

You don't become unhinged because of the menopause thats very insulting.
However not having those fluffy mothering hormones any more you do start looking at your life how it is without the rose tinted specs.
Sounds like she's had a good long look.

@madcatladyforever, perhaps sometimes but perhaps sometimes women are just grumpy and bad tempered for no good reason.

She might be having an affair and is missing her AP during lockdown.

Has she ever told you she isn't happy before this?

Have you noticed any changes in her behaviour over the last few months?

Do you have a good physical relationship?

You rarely argue maybe because she’s just sucked down her opinions to facilitate you and the marriage and she’s got to the point where’s she’s sick of doing it? When was the last time you had fun together? Are you one of those blokes who moans about everything? Have a good long hard look at yourself

Maybe she has been unhappy for a while and the operation (and possibly lockdown too) have prompted her into a reassessment of what she wants from the rest of her life. It must be very hard if she has given you no hint before that she was unhappy, but you don't say enough in your first post for us to know how things were before.

Just to suddenly land this on you seems unkind if it was to do with you - but it may be nothing to do with you really, maybe more that she wants her life to change drastically and wants to be on her own.

But as you have children, the most important people in all this are them - not you or your wife. Try as hard as you can to be calm and adult, however much you are hurting, and make sure whatever is decided, the children's needs come first.

What does she say her reasons are?

I agree with madcatlady in that the menopause doesn’t make you unhinged, you just see things in a different way because the nurturing hormones have gone. It’s a bit of a wake up call to realise you’ve devoted your life to loving and caring for a family who only give you scraps back.

It’s also a sharp realisation that you only have 20-30 years left if you’re lucky.

Fortunately I was never too much of a ‘good old mum’ type. But yes as soon as menopause hit, I divorced my grumpy arsed husband and now live my life doing exactly what I want, when I want. I do have a boyfriend, but no way is he moving into my house. We go on lots of lovely holidays and when he comes over to mine he brings food and wine with him. Lots of flowers too.

My career has flourished too. Apart from lockdown, life has never been so good.