Dealing with ex-partner at handover

[WomanintheHighCastle]

Hi all,

This is my first ever post so bear with me. I split up with my former partner a few years ago due to his affair and emotional abuse (he had sex with OW in our home a few times a week for a year while I was at work, told insane lies about me, made me feel I was going mad etc etc.) We have a DS (4) and weekend handovers at this time aren't ideal but I'm making the best of it. It might seem trivial but when he comes round to drop off DS he always asks if my family are doing okay, asks about my mum and sisters (I live with DS on my own and obviously can't see them for a while). I hate that he does this. Ideally I'd do grey rock and just ignore him but I can't seem to do that and end up answering. Does anyone have any tips on how to blank him/change the subject? It's really starting to annoy me and I find myself brooding on why I answered, especially when it's him coming round to pick up DS and I'm on my own. Grateful for any advice.

Doesn't sound like he is trying to be civil though? Sounds like for his own reasons he wants to engage the poster in conversation, usually with someone that has been abusive it's about marking his territory- next he'll be asking to use her loo etc etc.

@CuriousaboutSamphire
Because DS is learning how they should be treated and treat others. Yes he was a shit, but that's why he's an ex. It doesn't mean he will be a shit tomorrow or next week.

Boris was a buffoon 3 years ago, now look at him. Gray Rock is a temporary strategy that creates hostility as it's passive aggressive.

Yes. DS is indeed learning. And asking permission, apologising and giving an abusive person an inkling of your personal discomfort care all things that are unecessary. Being calm and polite is enough.

So no "Please do not so that" no thanking for things not done. No hint that a behaviour is upsetting.

Just calm and polite. DS knows his parents are not living together, that they are not best friends. So he will understand quite easily why they don't talk a lot.

He may be more confused by apparently amicable family based chit chat.

But mostly OP has no reason whatsoever to give the ex anything more than the basic, short lived, moments of her time. It is their DS he has come to collect, drop off. Not a family tea!

@Vretz Boris Johnson has changed at all - It's the buffoon was always an act he's likely a sociopath... plenty of articles out there about what he is really like. Including on here people who have worked with him etc...

Hasn't changed at all!

It is naive to think DS won't pick up on the tension, and be uncomfortable talking to mum about dad, and vice versa, and OPs ex won't spot the change in behaviour. She is showing a reaction by avoiding the topic and that he has control by doing so. Abusers aren't 'fooled' by a well known strategy, as most believe they are being abused themselves, as they are narcissistic.

Emotional abuse victims go through a programme of setting boundaries as that is what the abuse inhibits. Setting a boundary in this situation to him sends a clear message that she has changed and won't tolerate abuse.

Be on the phone when he turns up. Vague wave to him. Bustle the dc indoors. 'See you (next Tuesday)' Carry on talking to customer services...

Thanks again for the replies everyone. @Vretz I'm going to think more deeply about my boundaries because they were very weak for a long time (sure many other people in or coming out of abusive relationships have had the same experience). The trouble is that he's never taken much notice of any boundaries I did have. When we split up and he was still seeing OW I asked him not to keep bringing her to our home until me and DS had moved out. Of course he completely ignored this. Once I moved out I told myself he'd never be allowed in my house and I've stuck to that. I've given him the benefit of the doubt over and over and each time he's done something awful (told other mad lies etc etc). It's been pretty exhausting and I don't want to have any interaction with him apart from 'hello' and 'goodbye' but also don't want to hurt DS. My mum's ill and has been for a while so I just don't want to talk to him about her or my family - I want to keep that for me. Not sure if that makes sense?

My ex does this but its like I think I saw your mum the other day my response is usually thats nice if he asks about my dad I say still alive my sister? As per (and I know that last one gets on his nerves)

Personally my cats always need feeding my son knows its an excuse but as he doesnt really like his dad anyway he understands why I dont want to talk to him

I’d go with variations of “fine thanks” and “good thanks” then follow up with saying something to your DS line “fine, thanks oh DS, remember to brush your teeth for two minutes”, “good thanks, oh DS I’ll wash your bedcovers while you’re away so they’re nice and clean when you’re back”. You need to deflect the conversation as much as you can, as quickly as you can, then retreat to wave indoors.

Of course it makes sense and you have every right to insist on it. Make it clear in a text or e mail that handover will be quick simple and without chat and stick to it.

I've given him the benefit of the doubt over and over and each time he's done something awful.

But you weren’t giving him the benefit of the doubt. You were letting him trample over your poor boundaries.

Have you done the freedom programme? This man emotionally abused you and it leaves scars.

@WomanintheHighCastle that makes complete sense. The freedom programme and getting your boundaries right is so important. Your DS will need to learn boundaries as it is highly likely someone will test them in his life. View it as a skill you need to learn well enough to teach your DS to prevent him suffering as you have, and that includes setting boundaries to you

E.g. I find it uncomfortable when you ask about my business, can we just keep our handover short and focused on the children please?

Absolutely this. Alternatively, compose a very polite but direct email re handover is literally that, no conversational gambits, thanks, they’re not appreciated.

Thanks all. I did a fairly successful handover a couple of days ago. He did try and engage me in conversation by slagging off an old neighbour, (who I always thought was lovely), but I managed to change the subject and get DS into the house pretty quickly. It seemed to work better because I felt more confident (tried to keep shoulders back etc.) and that's partly due to all of your support. So thanks. Hope I don't need to pick your collective brains again. Wish I'd been aware of mumsnet during the worst months

I’d just say fine.

If you need to inform him of anything relating to ds you can use that as the answer maybe?

‘How’s the family?’
‘DS has some homework which I’ve packed so if you can make sure it’s competed for when he comes back, bye ds 💋’

🚪

Job done!