is this a guy thing??

[mumofone2818]

DP & i love together and i'm a SAHM and him self employed but out of work for obvious reasons just now.

Now i have always been the one to clean the house do washings etc etc while he sits about on his phone or ps4 watching me do everything and not lift a finger, he then waits until I am finished, sit down & the. says "if you needed help you should have asked" this sends me into a fit of rage (although this is not yhe main question i want to ask)

apart from the above side tracked question lol, he always looks for appraisal when he has cleaned!! got up this morning & as soon as I went to the livingroom he said "look i cleaned the kitchen today it was soooooo messy" then "i cleaned the livingroom to look look at it" 1. it wasn't messy i clean it before i go to bed 2. there was his breakfast dishes i normally do once we have all ate i mean YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE TOLD GOOD JOB WHEN YOU CLEAN UP YOUR OWN HOUSE.

Lovkdown is getting on my t*ts today and so is DP.

Not a guy thing, just a twat thing.

DH started that when we first moved in together. So I bought a pound shop medal and gave it to him with great ceremony on a cushion.

It's an in joke now when either of us do jobs in the house and the other notices (neither of us say 'I emptied the bins' or anything).

It's not a guy thing in terms of every man being a lazy chancer like that. But it's true that there won't be many women in a partnership who can sit back and watch a man skivvy around them day in day out.
You need to have a conversation. It's not your responsibility to "ask for help". It's a joint responsibility to do the domestic work. Have a conversation and divide up the jobs and agree when they are to be done etc. Then he needs to do his bit-- and then you can both express your appreciation of each other.

I praise my children when they clean , especially if they do it without being asked.
I praise them because they are children and I want to help them learn to be people who know how to cooperate, share, compromise and think of other people.
If I ever find myself with a partner who needs teaching this sort of thing I usually end up with a whole heap of trouble on my hands.
The only time I think it’s acceptable to teach these things to an adult is if they have some neuro diversity or mental health issue or are recovering and rehabilitating.

He’s not looking for appraisal he’s looking for praise.

I'd be tempted to comply with his wishes - and give him a list things he can do to help instead of sitting around watching

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Mental Load, wife work. Not a guy thing, a patriarchy thing. Find your inner feminist and tell him straight.

In my experience guys need much praise for doing barely anything. They don’t notice dust or bins needing emptied.

They go on and on about the one time in a year they finally hoover like it’s something big.

That’s my experience. Pissed me off as it’s not up to me to look at the washing pile and think that’s a full wash worth best put it in.

Or up to me to ask for ironing to be done. It should be something that gets done by whomever. I am not the boss. It’s a joint thing.

Soooo very glad I got shot of the likes of them. Perhaps I will find a partner in due course whose penis does not block his ability to see chores needing done and crack on.

Split the chores and if he gets in a huff you can say "well, you did say to ask".

He's lazy and clearly values his leisure time over yours.

@fuckinghellthisshit thank u i will have a read when DD is snoozing so i have peace!

see my problem is i don't like confrontation so i try to drop hints but that didnt work, so then i started saying that all i do is clean up after him and DD because if i dont do it it wont get done (this is when he says well just ask me) I did say once i shouldnt have to ask you to tody up your own messy house. I am a clean freak so even if i tidy up around his stuff and leave everything wherever he hs, i end up cleaning it because it drives me insane!!

only time he cleans up normally is when he has people coming over, don't know what got into him today he did say he got up at 5 so probably boredom and expecting a surprise for being a good manchild and cleaning his own house!

This fucks me off so much because as a feminist I want to be able to say "oh ffs why are we thanking men for just doing their 50% of the fucking chores" and then I remember I'm bisexual and have lived with men and women (at different times) and society has indeed apparently given men permission to seek nat, require a pat on the back for cleaning up 50% of their own shit.

It makes me so annoyed. And I'm self loathing now because I STILL say to my other half "can you do me a favour and wash up?" as if he is helping ME rather than just maintaining our joint home. I hate moaning about that and saying things like "if I don't nag it doesn't get done". Shudder.

I'm going to go and have a wine in the bath and be seething quietly.

I must be one of the lucky ones. DP is off work currently, I work from home anyway and usually do the majority of cooking and cleaning etc. I can honestly say that since 23rd March when he finished at work, I haven't cleaned, cooked or done any washing - he's beat me to it everytime.
Not only that he's done the lions share of home schooling too, so I am definitely not going to moan!!
The only thing I've done as normal is the shopping because DP has admitted he is terrified of bringing germs home and is worried he will forget to stay the required 2m distance from someone.
I can live with that!

Saying I don't like confrontation is a cope out to me. Instead you are building resentment, setting tests he will fail because he doesn't know it's a test (hints), passive aggressive comments (If I don't do it no one will) and a dysfunctional dynamic.

Confrontation is a hostile situation between two opposing parties. It is NOT saying present dynamics are unfair and unacceptable in a calm adult manner.

Sit down with him and say this stops now: we are partners, or we're not. Tell him to act like an adult and share the load. That is not confrontation, that is expecting a partner to be a partner.

It isn't confrontation.

It's problem solving.
Ask him to sit down and then make up a chore list with the ones each of you will be responsible for. He'll know exactly and you won't have to hint or be frustrated doing everything.

And parents, please teach your sons these things! Don't do everything for them. It really is time for this to stop.

Its a loser manchild thing
Raise your bar op

This is why we just teach our sons better!
My dh does just as much if not more around the house if you count in diy.
Wouldn't have even got past the first year if he was like some men described on here. I know it's rarely simple but surely you know these things when you've been together not very long? It's what you tolerate. Not for me, no way, but appreciate some are comfortable this way (although not the op).
It is definitely not all men though.

Not sure how if it's a general guy thing. I'm a bloke and my wife and I just see what needs doing and get on with it. Unfortunately I suspect that there are still many blokes who've never quite grown up and don't see it as 'their job'.

Not a man thing, it's called being a useless twat.

And yes there are also bone idle women too who would rather sit on their arse on Instagram.

Absolutely no chance I would be doing anything more (or less) than 50/50 these days.

The plastic medal presentation tickled me @iklboo

It’s a twat thing. My DH wouldn’t dream of leaving the washing up undone. It might be because he knows I’d likely throw it at him, or because he’s not a lazy cunt.

This is why we just teach our sons better

Exactly and all those DS sat watching their twat fathers getting away with this shit is not helping. Fucking patriarchy needs recalibration.

I think it might partly be because he doesn't see it needs doing.

To generalise, I suspect that some men think that being a SAHM means that you don't really do anything all day.

Make sure you train your children to see tasks that need doing.

If your DH is at home, it might be a good time to get a routine going.
You will need to allocate certain task to him, and if you have to praise him, then a bit of thanks is better than resentment.

Could you give me a hand with this.. ? or something might work.

I forgot to add please.

I'm someone who needs to be told things. I'll see some things but not others. It is annoying to be told " You could have given me a hand with that".

All you have to do is ask.

'I don't need 'help' I need you to do your fair share. It is not my job to do all the cleaning. This is a partnership. 'Help' implies it is all my responsibility. It damn well isnt. So pull your finger out and do your fair share. Buck up your ideas or bugget off'.