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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hurting inside. Unhappy in marriage.

25 replies

Daffodil72 · 30/04/2020 16:24

Hi,
I am dreadfully unhappy in my marriage. I have been a long time but I think that, the last 3 years, I have realised more and more. I have been very unsettled in my life lately. Changed jobs a few times and I have realised it isn’t my career that is bothering me...it’s my marriage. Here is why...
(1) I’m 48, a young, attractive 48
(2) I have always been driven in everything
(3) Hubby is 58, an old 58. I won’t lie, I couldn’t have sex with him if he was the last man on earth
(4) He hasn’t pushed himself in life and has spent a lot of money I have earned, although I am aware this is a bad way to look at it as it should be our money. But, I have had a hard time as my job is a little out of my comfort zone and he prefers to chill and be content. He didn’t earn enough so I have always propped him up
(5) We sleep in separate rooms and haven’t had sex in over 10 years. I am in a little box room and it is having an effect on me
(6) Although I had only been with one man before him, he was sexually poor. No kissing, no foreplay. I never orgasmed with him as he was a wham bam on-off guy
(7) I feel unhappy being in this house and has affected my role as a mother
(8) We have two kids, 16 and 12. No family left alive. Had elderly grandparents who were unable to participate with the kids. I worked long hours and nights and it took its toll.
(9) Hubby and his friends are all avid train spotters and bus spotters. It’s pathetic. None of his friends are married and I have never seen any with a woman
(10) I have never seen hubby horny. Ever! I am convinced he is a bit weird

But, my unhappiness is becoming serious. I have told him and he ignores me. He has said ‘you know where the door is’ and says the children want to stay at the family home.
We are mortgage free and have just inherited another house. I don’t want this money but want half of the family home but he would refuse to sell.

Has anyone been in this position? I feel my life is just miserable.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 30/04/2020 16:27

I've been in an unhappy relationships and I left.

What is keeping you there? Fear?

blackcat86 · 30/04/2020 16:32

Have you spoken to a solicitor for advice? He may not simply be able to dictate keeping the family home unless he is the main carer for the dependent children? He may need to buy you out or sell. If you're in the box room does that mean he's in the master?

littlelost7 · 30/04/2020 16:33

I think you should listen to him when he says “you know where the door is”. Life is to short to be living unhappy like you are. Maybe get some legal advice? And make a plan to leave Flowers

notapizzaeater · 30/04/2020 16:37

You know where the door is - works both ways

Could you take the children and go to the other property ?

Andromache77 · 30/04/2020 16:38

Why would you need too leave and not him? Is he their main carer? In any case, I would strongly recommend getting legal advice and then ending your marriage, even if you have to part with money, which I assume will be the case if you're the highest earner, at least it will be a clean break and you will be free to live your life without a man you clearly do not live anymore. Lockdown will not last forever, and you can start researching family solicitors in the meantime.

beeinmygarden · 30/04/2020 16:43

As everyone says, you are not some stay at home mum financially dependent on a man you don't like. You are not facing poverty for you and your children if you leave. You are in an excellent position. Get legal advice and go!

madcatladyforever · 30/04/2020 16:48

Leave. What he wants or doesn't want will not stand up in court, he will do as he is told and will lump it.
He sounds appalling.
Star divorce proceedings asap, you do not need either his or the kids permission.
You will only realise how fabulous life is when you are free and I would make that my number one priority.
I find it rather depressing that the children only care about the house and not either parents.
Sounds to me like the court needs to order that house sold then the kids can lump it also.
It seems that everybody is perfectly content except you but your life matters too, you cannot be expected to live like this.
It's time to shake them all up a bit.
I'll never forget the utter relief of leaving my first husband. I felt like I'd died and gone to heaven.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/04/2020 17:01

I don’t want this money but want half of the family home but he would refuse to sell
Tough. He can not WANT to sell but the courts can force a sale if it's best to get all the financials sorted out.
Could you move to the other property.
If you can leave, I'd be making plans.
This sounds like a horrendous life.
You get one shot at this. Don't waste any more of it!!!

HollowTalk · 30/04/2020 18:00

Oh god, OP, you can't spend your life with a man like this!

You have another house to go to - is it nearby? Could you keep the same job?

What would the kids' reaction to a divorce be?

Gobbycop · 30/04/2020 18:23

I find it rather depressing that the children only care about the house and not either parents.
Sounds to me like the court needs to order that house sold then the kids can lump it also

Where are you getting that from? I'm not sure what your issue is with the kids.

The husband says the children want to stay, doesn't say in the original post they've said that.

Holothane · 30/04/2020 18:26

Leave life’s too short believe me.

Original poster
Daffodil72 · 30/04/2020 18:37

I have two problems.

(1) I’m too nice. I have put the happiness of others before my own. My own parents divorced when I was 8 and I was the only child left at home (my much older brothers were married). I was moved away from the family home with my mum who lived on social security for the rest of her life. I vowed never to allow this to happen to my kids. I went to university, got a good career and have plenty of money to spare. However, I’d been a shy girl when I was younger and avoided boys like the plague. I have realised I have married a man, quite a bit older than me (maybe because I saw him as a missing father figure - I didn’t see my dad much after the divorce), and I’m not attracted to him and we’re on different pages in this story of life.
(2) A couple of years ago I started to feel like I couldn’t stand being at home. I wanted to escape. At the same time, I was unsettled in my job. I ended up off work for 7 weeks. I hadn’t realised it at the time, but it was the start of peri-menopause (my periods stopped suddenly and hormones went nuts). My GP suggested I went away every now and then for a mental break. I did, a couple of times and loved it. This is when I started feeling like I wanted to end my marriage. I knew, if I did, I’d probably have to share custody of the kids. So, stupidly, I started searching for jobs that allowed me to stay away a few nights a week and get a promotion, at the same time. I got the job and the promotion but work away from home 4 days a week and hubby has the kids. I live in a shared property down south and in the spare room at home (yes, he has the master bedroom with the big tv, king size bed and en-suite). I feel like I permanently live in a bedsit and realise I am living in no-mans land, unable to move. I can’t get a job, in my field, back up north especially at the moment due to the current situation with Covid. Although I earn a good salary, I am paying rent for a place down south. Until I get another job, with a similar salary, it’ll be tricky to rent another property.

I believe he has persuaded the kids to stay. I am made to feel like the baddie, if that makes sense. It’s me who wants to end it all. It would be my fault if the family was divided. I was also told that my 16 year old had phoned his Aunty late at night very distraught (hubby’s sister) that he was worried we’d split up and he’d be separated from his younger sister.

I really am unhappy in this marriage. It’s not a marriage. It’s nothing more than two people living in the same house raising two kids.

The other property was his parents house. His father had remarried and it was left in trust until she died (she now has but it is all on hold due to lockdown). I don’t want any of it tbh. I just want my happiness.

I really feel like he isn’t taking me seriously. He just thinks I’m moody or that my job is getting me down. He really doesn’t listen when I tell him I’m unhappy. I think his ‘threats’ are just made up at the time.

I feel even worse with the kids off school. He is off for 12 weeks as he is classed as vulnerable but I’m a key worker so am still going to work.

What would u do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Daffodil72 · 30/04/2020 18:37

I haven’t spoken to a solicitor.

OP posts:
minmooch · 30/04/2020 18:47

I haven’t spoken to a solicitor
You seriously need to do this. You may be pleasantly surprised by what you are entitled to.

Please do not waste your life.

If you have been in the spare room for so many years your children are very well aware that your marriage is a sham.

I'm positive the mood in two separate houses would be better than what it is now.

You sound like a strong woman to me. Already you changed your career. You are already away from the house 4 days a week - your children are used to you and you husband being apArt.

Come on - you can do this. Once you explore your financial options you will find a way through to a happier life.

Techway · 30/04/2020 18:57

Get your finances together, equity, savings, pensions. As you are not the main parent you would probadly pay CMS to him.

Your children will be afraid of change but most children get through divorce. I suspect your relationship is alienating your children and there is a chance you will all feel happier.

SurvivingLockdown · 30/04/2020 18:58

Absolutely sit down with a solicitor. He can't dictate this, you must be on the front foot. I echo what PPs have said, don't waste another second of your life in this marriage. You deserve some happiness. The kids will flourish if they see you happy and you are able to manage their time with you both in a civillised manner. The longer this goes on, the less likely this will be

HatRack · 30/04/2020 19:17

Show him this thread

minmooch · 30/04/2020 19:39

Show him this thread

Do NOT show him this thread.

HatRack · 30/04/2020 19:42

Why not? He's currently not taking her seriously

longtimecomin · 30/04/2020 20:50

See a solicitor, seriously, you need to end this but be smart and get your ducks in a row x

RoxanneMonke · 30/04/2020 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Torres10 · 30/04/2020 21:31

Hi there, I'm your age, similar situation, though I have to endure living here all the time!
I always thought I would stay til the kids left home..but now having to literally live in containment has hardened my resolve, as soon we are through the worst of lockdown, I will be telling him I am filing for divorce, and I'm done.
He too has said he won't sell the house, the solicitor said, well he will have to buy you out then..they don't get it all their way
Be strong, get your ducks lined, and put your big girl pants on..I suspect post lockdown solicitors may have extra workload anyway !

minmooch · 30/04/2020 21:48

Why not? He's currently not taking her seriously

Because this is a thread for advice and support for the op. This should be a private place for the op.

RoxanneMonke · 30/04/2020 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rvby · 30/04/2020 22:01

Your 16yo will soon be an adult and it won't matter who they side with.

See a solicitor, make a plan to end the marriage in the next two years, aim for your 16yo's first year of A-levels or something like that.

See a therapist to help you learn to put yourself first.

Basically, you're in a situation in which you have no chance at happiness. You can sit here and explain to yourself and us why you're going to stay in that situation. Or, you can make a plan to at least take the gamble of finding happiness.

You were incredibly foolish to move away from your children 4 nights a week, but what's done is done, and you can get another job. But you need to start moving in the direction that you want to go. You can't just stay in a holding pattern constantly waiting for the right time.

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