Difficult relationship

[Pegs11]

Hi. Sorry for the long post... it’s complicated. I don’t know who to turn to... I’ve got nowhere to go, no one to offload to.

My husband and I have suffered several years of emotional pain and trauma (cancer, IVF, miscarriage, loss of a family member). I have developed chronic fatigue/pain as well as chronic anxiety and sadness/anger, which has just been getting worse over time. I’m trying to get help but it’s an ongoing battle to access the support I need.

My husband has a lot of frustration with the situation and feels like he gets no support either (He tried counselling and hated it).

It has all created a huge amount of RESENTMENT.

My illness means that at times - and sometimes for long stretches - I’ll feel so bad, I get really low because I can’t do ANYTHING physically, and it gets really hard to cope mentally. When I get like that, I really just want to be left alone... I find the responsibilities of a marriage become just too much to cope with, because I’m physically and mentally unable to focus on anyone else’s needs. But I can’t just walk away, I can’t just get in the car and go somewhere else for a bit.

Meanwhile, my husband is really sick of me being ill all the time, him having to do everything around the house on top of a full day’s work, me having no libido and no apparent interest in him or his needs.

I understand it, and I sympathise with him, but I feel like my hands are tied as at these times I’m just not well enough to provide for his needs.

When I get sick, he will at first try his best to be nice and supportive, but I’ll feel CONSTANTLY anxious ... by the very fact of me falling ill, there’s a fuse that’s been lit... and I know I have limited time before he starts to get really frustrated.

The sense of underlying tension it causes makes me feel really REALLY stressed... which just makes me feel even worse, and I continue to go downhill... and then, after several days or weeks of “tolerating me”, he will start getting kind of mean... his tone of voice will get increasingly frustrated, he starts being sarcastic with me, saying things in a way that make me really angry with him... but I can’t defend myself because I’m too ill to think properly.

This makes me feel even more angry and upset inside, because I feel like I’ve no option but to just tolerate this horrible behaviour from him.

For example, he’ll say (in a frustrated tone) “are you ok? You’re being really weird with me”. I’ll say “I’m ok, I’m honestly not being weird with you, I’m just not feeling great today so I’m a bit groggy”. And he’ll do a big long sigh and say - again, in a sarcastic tone - “I see. What is it today?” Which makes me feel instantly
belittled! I’ll mutter something like “it’s just that my back is really hurting, I really want to do some gardening but I think I’m just going to have to rest”. And he will say something like “Oh it’s your back today is it? Of course it is”. And there are these undertones of something nasty in his voice... like spite, or something. Then he’ll sigh
again and say “well, you put your feet up, I’ll cook you dinner... again... once I’ve finished doing all the other chores I’ve got to do after I finish my ten-hour shift” ... again, it’s all about the sarcastic, snipey tone in which he says it. It’s all subtle, needle-like jibes and goading, and it’s hurtful and makes me really angry because I’m too ill and brain-foggy to be able to express myself or defend myself.

If I do raise it, it will eventually transpire (after he’s left me in a sobbing heap with all the goading) that the sniping happens because he feels lonely and burdened and tired and with no support or sympathy from anyone. Which I completely understand... I just wish he could find ways to express it that don’t hurt me so much.

I feel like he’s always trying to get an emotional response from me that validates his own pain ... like he’s trying to forcibly instil in me a sense of guilt or sympathy or of wanting to nurture and love him. He doesn’t understand that I already feel these things but can’t express them when I’m ill.... and I don’t need him making it worse for me.

He doesn’t understand that, in trying to elicit the emotional response he wants from me, it is actually creating the opposite effect... because of the sharp, sarcastic way he says things. When he’s speaking to me like that, I quickly stop feeling any sympathy and just start resenting him and not wanting to be around him. Then he’s all like “can I have a cuddle and some reassurance?” And it is literally the worst time to ask me to perform this act, as I’m FUMING by this point and the last thing I feel like doing is holding him and nurturing him, I just feel like punching him in the face (not that I ever would).

It’s this really difficult, almost Jekyll-and-Hyde behaviour that I struggle to cope with. Because I’m too ill to defend myself against his sarcastic little jibes I just get absolutely furious inside. There is nowhere for that anger to go, I can’t talk to him about it because he is on edge by this point too and I don’t want to “ignite the spite” as then I’m just giving myself even more problems to deal with ... furthermore he is extremely clever and will ALWAYS win in an argument, despite whether he’s wrong or right - because he’s a very quick thinker, he can always talk me into a corner or leave me confused and not knowing what to say. My brain just gets in a real muddle. Again, this feeds my anger and frustration... which feeds his... which feeds mine etc etc and it all builds up into this big horrible unmanageable thing that makes me just want to run away and get some time to myself .... except i can’t, because I’m too weak to drive. So we are just stuck there together, winding each other up.

So it all builds up, and then I end up just lashing out, nothing structured or rational comes out just a string of angry words. And then I get accused of being the one who’s being horrible!! He’ll say he’s putting everything into looking after me, he’s been working his ass off and then coming home to THIS and all he gets back is horribleness from me and no love.

Honestly it just feels like this horrendous vicious circle that we can’t break out of. It only get bad when I’m ill. If I feel well, we generally get along fine and have a laugh and enjoy each other’s company. But I’m ill at least 50% of the time. So our relationship is very much a Jekyll and Hyde thing too. Constantly swinging from one state to another.

I just wondered if anyone can relate to this, even in a small way, and can offer some kind words as I am feeling very alone and stuck.

Thank you

Hi
It sounds like a difficult situation for both of you, not helped with the challenge of having to fight to get the support you need.

Have you tried counselling together to try and work out a better way to communicate when times are bad?

Have you thought about printing off what you've just typed and showing it to him? You've explained your situation really well and it might help him understand how his frustration leaves you feeling.

I used to find (before we separated), that my ex wouldn't really listen or take things in if I tried to verbally communicate - it would always turn into a row as he would get really defensive. But when times things were really bad, I would write him a letter and that seemed to get through a bit better.

I understand things are hard for you but you don’t seem to be considering the toll your mutual tough years have been taking on him. You’ve both gone through a lot of loss and I get being unwell is no picnic but nor is being the person who is responsible for literally everything.

I agree some therapy together might be helpful.

Hi, thanks both for your reply. We tried counselling, both individually and together, but it didn’t help. In fact, he hated the process so much I think it would be a real struggle to convince him to ever try counselling again.

I do totally appreciate how hard it is for him...it must be very difficult having a sick wife who , often for several weeks at a time, can’t give anything back. When I’m well, I try my best to look after him and make him feel appreciated. But when I’ve been unwell for a bit, he tends to forget that.

it’s just that if he could express his feelings in a less snarky way, I would be able to express more sympathy. As it is, he’s just hurting me with his sarcastic, sniping comments.

He is forever misinterpreting my words and tone of voice. I have explained to him, countless times, that I’m not being “horrible”, I just feel ill and that’s why I struggle to be normal, to have conversations with him where I don’t lose my focus and concentration and end up staring into space. But he always takes it as me talking to him like shit and disrespecting him. I don’t understand it at all. He just “keeps forgetting”, apparently.

Anyway, we had a row about it yesterday, and I guess we both managed to get something off our chests for now. So it should be better for while now... until next time it happens.

Hello. I understand what you are going through. I had cancer last year and things got so bad we nearly split up. Thankfully my dh finally got help and is now on antidepressants and things are better, but there I times I do wonder if I'd be better on my own because ongoing illness can be draining and I feel I let them down. feel free to pm me if you like.

Thank you so much. I am sorry to hear you had cancer. It’s very difficult. Will defo PM you as would love to connect with someone who has been through something similar to me - thanks again

On a practical level, do you have the finances to pay for extra help around the house? This would relieve him of some of the burden of doing things.

You have my sympathy (and empathy) as I have a condition that leaves me unable to do do a lot and it's frustrating, although I live alone. I know the guilt would overwhelm me if I lived with my partner and the last thing I'd need would be someone effectively making me feel bad about being ill!

His jibes, sarcasm and general nastiness are uncalled for and only serve to make the situation worse.

We mighty be able to afford some kind of help, say, £30 a fortnight for a cleaner. But it’s the day-to-day stuff that gets him down, having to do all the cooking and cleaning that needs doing on a daily basis.

I think in his head he over-exaggerates how often I’m sick, in a year we can go for several weeks or even months where I feel pretty good... except for the libido, that has been problematic for years now (due to surgical menopause when I had cancer) and although he rarely complains, it’s obvious that it gets to him... he gets strung out the longer we go without sex! I’ve just started on some new HRT so I’m REALLY hoping that will help, as I honestly think the lack of affection is one of the worst things for him.

When we’d finished blowing up at each other the other day, I said he should by all means share his feelings with me, his frustrations and disappointment at how life hasn’t turned out the way we wanted it to, as we’re in this together! but that he could try and do it without the snarky comments and sarcasm. He said he’d try...

... and yes, his nastiness does make the situation worse... my chronic fatigue is often kick-started or made a lot worse by stress. And I find it SO stressful when there is tension between us, keep having panic attacks etc and getting really down and emotional.

Maybe don't cook every day - batch cook on a Sunday. And get the cleaner in once a week, on a Monday, to do all of the dishes from the batch cooking. Then you only have daily eating dishes, hopefully you have a dishwasher, if not then it's a priceless investment! What other cleaning absolutely has to be done daily?

Maybe you both need to reassess your priorities. I'd say communication and caring for each other on an emotional level should come way way higher up the list than chores.

Do you make time for each other when you're well? Couples need to remember how to be together without the distractions of things like tv and phones, imo.

If you're not a team, maybe you need to let each other go.

Although I understand your illness is not something you can control, it must be unimaginably difficult for DH during these times.

Working a 10 hour day and doing all the housework, caring etc would be utterly exhausting and I think the sarcasm and jibes are just a way to get a reaction..he doesn't feel heard or simply cannot cope with all of this on his shoulders, plus no intimacy. He must ask himself if this is the marriage he wants. I don't know if I could cope, but we are all built differently.

That isn't meant in a nasty way or blaming you at all. I'm just looking at it from his perspective and how I would feel in his shoes. I'm sure you've done that too, many times.

He is either going to have to accept that sometimes, this is how it will be. If he accepts it, he must fully accept it and not snipe about it. Doing it begrudgingly helps no one and makes you anxious.

If he can't, then perhaps he needs to decide if this relationship is enough for him. The way it is right now is detrimental to both of you, no one is happy. i hope you can find a way through it x

Go to pain clinic - I work in pain clinic attend the pmp

Your H sounds like a prick.

Have you had lots of blood tests done to rule out anything physical? Often Chronic Fatigue seems to be diagnosed in conjunction with other illnesses that are not being well managed.

I was robbed off for months with CF or depression etc until they finally tested my thyroid and found it was massively under functioning. Then the same with B12 diagnosis, refuted and ignored by my GP after I diagnosed myself online. But strangely once they tested it, oh yes, oops you’re right.

Make sure you’ve had as many blood tests as you can to test for underlying hormone/vitamin/iron etc before accepting that this is your life. Chronic pain saps everything, your strength, your hope, your relationships. But your H needs to be more supportive of you, not dismissing your problems because he’s bored of hearing about them.

If you're too unwell to move around much, and he is at work for 10 hours a day, how dirty is the house getting? How much cleaning does it realistically need?

Arrange the cleaner. Batch cook meals once a week. Make your lives as easy as possible.

KellyHall thank you for your reply. Batch cooking is something I try and do but we have a teeny tiny freezer so can’t fit much in! Maybe a bigger freezer would be a good investment.

He’s working from home at the moment (lockdown) and I said I’d support him by bring him lunches and snacks... which I’ve managed most of the time, but then one day I didn’t, because I was resting upstairs. He was speaking to his sister on the phone and when he told her he had to go and fix himself some lunch, she said “shouldn’t someone else (i.e. me) be looking after you while your working so hard?” And that put negative thoughts about me in his head, I think.

When I’m ill, we don’t really spend any quality time together, it’s not really an option for me because I’m too ill to interact properly. Like, I really do struggle to communicate as every part of my body is so exhausted, I can’t focus my eyes properly or get my thoughts together. Honestly I find it so hard to connect and communicate with him - or anyone - when I’m like that, it’s just not physically possible.

When I’m well, we spend more time together, going for walks with the dog, gardening together, that kind of thing. Often it is good with us! But it’s about 50:50... as is my health. It’s Jekyll and Hyde, as I said. Like having two separate relationships.

@mamato3lads thank you: yes I think he is trying to get a reaction, to get me to show SOME sign of emotion or empathy. But my efforts to reassure him are just not enough, because I literally don’t have the energy to interact properly without it being a huge struggle for me. And I guess I get resentful because I feel like he’s pressuring me to connect with him. and he doesn’t see that the feeling of being pressured is just making me even more anxious and tired. It’s not that I don’t care. And when I feel a bit better I try to reassure him and tell him all those things he wants to hear. Perhaps I don’t do it enough, I don’t know. I could try to up my game on that front. But, when I feel like he’s being a dickhead, my empathy for him gets buried under my anger.

@RUSU92 He can certainly behave like a prick sometimes, and I don’t like the behaviour one bit. I hate being told I’m “moaning”, when I’m in a lot of pain and discomfort. It used to be the case that when I became unwell he would be really caring and look after me for a while before getting fed up with me. Now he gets fed up with me from the start. It’s a trigger thing now. Because he knows that me starting to feel unwell marks the start of several weeks of him being lonely, tired and lacking affection.

To answer your question, I’ve been struggling to get help with my chronic fatigue but the area I live in is sorely underfunded... for example, I went thought early, surgical menopause a few years ago, and when I said I wanted to investigate whether that was the cause of my condition, wasn’t even able to get an appointment with an NHS hormone specialist. So I spent two years on the wrong HRT (only found out last week and had to pay privately for a specialist menopause clinic).

Since speaking to them, I (and the specialist there) now suspect that hormonal issues are the cause, or at least a big part of the cause, of my condition (the symptoms mimic M.E.). So, we are just starting me on a new HRT which I REALLY HOPE helps me/us.

Well I’m glad they’re looking into that for you. Get your thyroid tested too, as lower back pain is one of my worst symptoms with that, and menopause is a prime time for thyroid issues to rear their head, so definitely one to consider. Good luck with it.

Whatever happens re your health, your H needs to be more supportive and understanding of your health issues. For better, for worse, in sickness and in health etc!!