Decisions decisions....

[Amie2020]

Hi all. Will try to be brief as I can. Separated almost a year. Was married 15 yrs. Left Dh with no where to go. Dh refused to leave so left me no choice. His drinking, selfishness, narcissism led to the break up. Children came with me with access arranged fairly (he doesn't agree that its fair). So dh stopped drinking about a month after we left. For certain he has not drank since. He has been trying to get us back since then really. I am not sure whether to go back or not. He has always liked to control everything including financials with the result being I have no access to money (apart from monthly maintenance which I have to ask for every month-he refuses to set up SO) all assets are in his name (properties, bank accounts ect). I have had to borrow to purchase a car, furniture ect since I left with nothing. He refused to give me anything towards any of this only saying I could get whatever I wanted if I went back to him. He has over the last months become more attentive, showing better interest in the children and also making his home very attractive for them purchasing all sorts of toys, outside playground ect to make life enjoyable for them when there (which is beneficial to the children but I had spent the previous 10 yrs asking him to do this and he always hadn't the time). Whereas where I am living now is very small, no garden for children to play, rented so cant change much even if I had the money to. I really miss the children when they are not here and I do think if he has changed then we could make it work. On the other hand if life returned to as before I would be broken. Wish I could make a decision and then life could move on. Just keep changing my mind about which road to take.

He is trying to control you. If he cared for you or his children as he should he would have enabled a better life for you when you separated. I'd be very careful.

Oh please don't go back. Re-read what you've written and think what you'd tell your daughter if she was adult and had a boyfriend like this.

You've done the hardest bit and have got away from him. Your finances will really improve if you divorce him and he wouldn't be able to control you.

I know it's a difficult time now and you might think better the devil you know, but imagine what he'll be like if you return. Imagine telling your kids for the second time that you're leaving. Don't mess them about and don't mess yourself about. File for divorce and pray he finds someone else soon - that will get him off your back.

Thank you Bumbumburner and HollowTalk. It is kinda what I am thinking myself. I just find it so difficult to take that last step as I know theres no going back then. It's hard. I've always looked upon myself as fairly confident and successful career wise and am disgusted that I have found myself in this situation. No use crying over spilt milk I suppose. I wish I had the courage to move on.

If he displayed selfish narcissism and problem drinking, that will most likely never change, or will recur. At the moment he's in the 'hoovering' phase trying to get you back in any way he can. If he got you back, sooner or later the crap behaviour would start all over again. He hasn't really change, he's just doing what he has to do to charm you. It's manipulative, really.

This man reads like an arch controller left right and centre. He is what he is, yes he wants you back, and how flattering is that? But when his flattery wears off what’s left? And he’s no need to woo you once you’re back in the nest, you’ve seen his true colours, seen what he’s naturally like. He won’t share, his hands will continue to be securely on all the reins.

Don't do it! He will treat you worse when he has you back, to pay you back for him having to make the effort. Please stay strong.

I wouldn't see him wanting you back as flattering - I'd see it as him running out of options and thinking "She'll go along with it." Resist!

If he had really changed he’d be providing properly for you and the children in your new home rather than trying to bribe you back with the promise of money.

Oh no please please do not go back, your life will be hell on Earth this is sweet talk it won’t last.hugs.

I agree with the others, do not go back, he would soon be even worse than he was before. Also, get as much support as you can, from agencies, friends and family. Things may turn nasty once he realises you mean it, although eventually you will have your prize, which is peace, freedom and independence.

Doesn't the way he's treated you since you've left absolutely prove how right you were to leave? He's not changed, he wants to force you back by making you struggle financially. Not out of love.

Divorce him and get your share of the assets and put in a claim for child support today. You've done the hard bit of leaving, don't go backwards.

Not only won't he change in the long term, he hasn't really changed in the short term. He is still seeing you, and the kids, as things to control and manipulate to his needs.
Divorce him now and get your fair share of those assets!

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. It's interesting that not one person is advising to give him a chance. I had left out so much of the details from how he was down through the years which would not paint him in a good light. Never physical abuse but some mental for sure. I am also worried about how he will react when he realises I'm not going back. I worry about the affect this will have on the children. He has certainly zoned in on our eldest girl who, to be fair to him, always adored her dad. I would have felt he didnt give as much attention to the others. Since we left he has doubled down on this. She is more inclined to look to see her dad when he is not here (shes 13). In my heart of hearts I feel he is doing this so that he has a stronger fight for more access down the line. He will not want to split assets with me. I do know that. And I am not one bit materialistic. I just want a proper home for my children and me.

Have you taken legal advice? If he cared for you and the children he would not be manipulating the situation.

If you are in the UK you are likely to get at least 50% of the assets. Do you have details of the financials?

Yes I have taken legal advise. I know I have full entitlement to at least 50% of assets. I never went further with this until I made up my mind what I was doing. I have been hovering on finalising separation and divorce since I left but never felt I was fully there. So i basically put a hold on everything. He pays maintenance which is more than enough to keep us week to week. Even though he has a stash of cash along with assets I still had to borrow to buy a car and furnish our rented house which leads me to think nothing has or will change. I need a push to take that final step. I know financially I will be fine eventually.

Do it op. I left my marriage after 29 years and I have never regretted it.

Once you get properly away from this awful man you and your dc will fly.

He refused to give me anything towards any of this only saying I could get whatever I wanted if I went back to him.

This is the only line that matters.
He is still manipulative, controlling, abusive.

Doesn’t matter if he isn’t drunk now - he is still that man with those vile behaviours. He wants you back because he has done the maths - and he will be out of pocket. But nothing has changed - he will not give you or your DCs those things if you returned - it’s a trap.

Also your DCs don’t need his soiled materialistic black mailed goods and you don’t need to be held as an emotional hostage.

How has your life been emotionally and your relationships with your DCs in the last few months? They need a calm and peaceful home with a relaxed DM in their lives, contented with hope and joy.

Life has not been easy since but I have always done my best by the children giving them a happy home as I did before. I have obviously sheltered them as much as possible from everything. The eldest was more aware of our issues prior to separation. They all understood Dh had issues with weekend drinking down through the years unfortunately. Since leaving the children for the most part have been really good, settled and happy. They are seeing the best of both parents which I can say for sure was not happening before. I am by no means perfect myself but in all of this I have put the children's needs to the fore. Christmas was difficult but we got through. Dh threatened to take himself away on a holiday at Christmas and I had to beg him not to do that for the children's sake. In the end he stayed but refused to come to us for dinner so the compromise was we went to him and the kids stayed with him Chtistmas night. Yes he needs his time with them. Of course this is how it should be. But I am constantly trying to please him and work around his schedule (his work is v busy even now,). Its exhausting at times. Nevertheless he will say from time to time that I am being unreasonable. He has a massive house with all the trimmings. The kids love it there naturally as they grew up there. It's not far from me either which is great. They love it here too though even though by comparison we have nothing. I gave up full time work since they were very small and went back part time when the youngest started school. So financially I have nothing of my own. I wish I had not walked myself into being so dependent. I do worry about the affect all this has on the children but I do know I had no choice but to go when I did.

No no no. If he was sorry he'd be doing everything for you and the kids. He wouldn't be giving you stuff with the condition you go back. What he's doing is dangling carrots to say you can have x y z if you come back.
Once you are back he'll know he has won and you will be back to square one

Get legal advice and split up properly from him. Be completely open with your solicitor so they can give you the best advice. You should be more financially comfortable then. And it's better for your children not being in such a controlling household. Do you get benefits? Have you looked at increasing your work hours etc?

you can have everything you want as long as you do as your told

But I am constantly trying to please him and work around his schedule (his work is v busy even now,). Its exhausting at times. Nevertheless he will say from time to time that I am being unreasonable

No. No. No. He is still controlling and manipulating you here. You did not leave him for a life dancing to his tune. This totally suits him, will erode your chance to move forward in your own life and is not good for your DCs.

You need to button down access so that’s every, time, date, drop-off detail, school holiday, birthdays, Xmas etc is negotiated fairly and then documented and set for the next 12 months. Then it is up to him to adapt his arrangements if his work changes.

“He” does not have a big house. It is at least half yours and you need to push forward with the divorce so that your DC have a better level of housing. It’s v wrong that he has this asset and your DCs only get the crumbs to experience it when he isn’t working.

You have done a great job to move your DCs away from him - but it’s really important now to find the courage to push the button on the divorce. You need a v experienced lawyer who is skilled dealing with such types who inflict the financial abuse and coercive control crimes that you and your DCs are experiencing.