Ex partner - advice on child maintenance and a few other things

[DianeC2020]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. Hope you are all well, what with the situation we are all in.

To set the scene, I have two boys with my ex, whom I split with a year ago. We'd been together 20 years, not married. He went to live with his mum with the intention of buying his own property (we currently own a house together).

A few things happened. We worked out what he needed to pay each month in child maintenance (based on them staying every other weekend at his). At first he was happy with this, then things turned a little sour. He felt what he was paying was far too much for me and that children don't cost that much. He pays £400/month. I don't see his payslips, so I am assuming that a year on he is still being paid the same.

We have agreed that I will buy him out of our house, which is going to cost an arm and leg, but it means we are no longer tied together. He has been given an inheritance and wants to buy his own home.

A few things have happened and I wanted clarification from any of you who have gone through this.

• I pay for everything in the home - bills, clothes, the dog my ex left behind and hasn't contributed to, but also everything outside i.e. school clubs, music lessons, school trips, breakfast clubs, after school clubs because I work full time. Should my ex also contribute towards some of these things? From what I've read, he doesn't have to, but I'm struggling.

• He wants a separation agreement - does anyone know what this is? When we split up a year ago, I got legal advice, but this was never mentioned to me. From what I can see, it's about sharing possessions, but he's not asked to be compensated for any of the possessions in the house, so I don't know what he wants it. He says it's to 'draw a line' under us. But we did that a year ago.

• My boys have not been happy staying over at my ex (he currently lives with his mum), so they have returned home and not stayed overnight during the weekends they are scheduled to be with him. My ex keeps on at me about making them stay, but I've always felt that they shouldn't be pushed into it (my bad, I guess). He has been keeping count of their overnight stays, which has come to 21 in the last year. This now falls into the child maintenance bracket which would probably mean he owes me money. I don't necessarily want to claw this money back as I feel he will then make my boys stay in future, when they don't want to. Would you ask for a recalculation?

Any thoughts on this would be great. We started off so friendly, but it's becoming really sour with everything going on.

Thanks

Diane

If he’s messing about over maintenance then just tell him it’s either he agrees the £400 based on the earnings figure you think is correct or you’ll go to the CMS who’ll make the decision for him.

It would be nice of him to contribute above and beyond to his DC’s expenses on the basis that he shouldn’t want them to go without or have to give up things you can’t afford to pay for but you’re correct, you can’t make him pay beyond the CMS calculation.

A separation agreement just sets out formally an outline of what you intend to do going forward with regard to shared assets and savings, timeline for house sale, childcare responsibilities and so forth. It can actually be a very useful way of establishing a timeline and duties and can be used later on if either of you quibbles something.

How old are your DC? They shouldn’t be forced to stay with their dad if they don’t want to, but it would be good for you to find out their reasons and see if it’s anything beyond general unsettlement. It’s important for them to have a relationship with their dad and if he’s keen to have them stay over then surely he’d want to do as much as possible to make it a nicer experience for them so they want to go.

I’d let any money you think he owes you because of cancelled overnights slide, to be honest. If he were the one cancelling their stays then maybe, but things are only going to get more bitter if he perceives that you’re the one stopping or not encouraging his sons to stay and then demanding money back as well.

Hi op.. I'd take your name out. Report your own post to MN and ask them to remove it. He doesn't have to pay anything over the CMS calculated amount but if he was half decent he would. If you aren't sure he's being honest you can open a case with cms for £20 and they'll ask for his payslips so you can be sure it's accurate. It doesn't have to be seen as a hostile move, just keeps things objective. If the kids aren't staying overnight then that would affect the amount. How old are they? If over about 12 I'd say respect their wishes but try and find out what the issue is.

Pay the £20 for CSA, so that you have a clear fixed monthly amount

Buy him out of the property & sort out everything legally via a solicitor

Then you will both have a clean financial break

He wants a separation agreement
If you aren't married then I'm not sure you need this.
Separation agreement is usually to show how long you have been separated so when the divorce comes you can prove you have been separated for 2 years.
But.... if you have money tied up together this may not be the case.
Can you get a reduced half hour appointment with a solicitor to ask some of these questions?
Some offer reduced 1st meeting and some offer a free half hour.
Not many, so shop around.

Agree that a free half hour is a good starting point, I’m guessing some solicitors may be offering video calls/phone calls at the moment. Write out the main things you want to know and get the most from the free half hour that way, keep it objective (it’s hard not to get emotional but this wastes time). I was advised that a separation agreement isn’t legally binding as circumstances can change, so whilst it sets out your intentions and might be a benefit to do yourselves, I personally wouldn’t pay a solicitor to draw one up.

It’s horrible when things start to go sour, especially with children involved, but hopefully once everything is formalised things will settle down. I wouldn’t try and get the money he pays you recalculated due to the children not staying there, its really hard when they don't want to go, and the money side will probably make him push to have them even more so it will be more pressured for them.

CMS. Today. No mucking about.

Legally he doesn't need to pay a penny more, so it might be time to rethink kids clubs. Are you claiming all the tax credits/uc you're entitled to? You may get some help with childcare costs.

The separation agreement is not enforceable (I don't think) as you're not married, but it might be a good idea to sort something out so you both have a realistic idea of the others' expectations and a timescale.

Selling/sorting the house is going to be the biggie. You need financial advice from the bank re affordability and legal advice about the transfer of ownership and how it's split.

Now is not a good time to be squabbling about him seeing the kids. It is their right to have contact with him, and you should, bar safeguarding reasons, be facilitating that via whatever means works for you all.

Also, if he wants them to stay, why is he bringing them home from his mum's at the weekend? He gets to parent them too...