Anyone read the Lundy Bancroft book?

[TwistyHair]

I’ve just started reading it. Goodness me it’s chilling. I can only take a bit at a time. I’ve not experienced DV but did work in DV services for years and may go back to it at some point. I met some truly incredible women there.

I'm always linking to the free online versions on here because I think.it is excellent.

The "myths" about abuse and abuser profiles are especially good.

Sad thing is so many people still believe in the myths about why a man is abusive (and not stupid people at that).

Yes, I've read it. As part of our office pro bono scheme a number of us help clients of a domestic violence charity prepare their applications for non-molestation orders. I recommended this book to one of our clients and she was blown away by how well it described her ex-partner. I also read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood which helped me understand how addictive the ecstasy/misery cycle of abusive relationships can be particularly if that was your model growing up so you don't know what healthy normality looks like. Also, unsurprisingly, you rarely see healthy relationship role models depicted in drama because they tend to be rather dull! So I think that can also skew people's perceptions of what's normal and healthy.

As part of our office pro bono scheme a number of us help clients of a domestic violence charity prepare their applications for non-molestation orders

It's fantastic to hear of companies doing this, thank you on behalf of the women you've helped

It’s since seeing it on here that I thought I’d check it out. Not heard of it before but if I go back to working in DV services then I definitely will recommend it. I get so angry about how women are portrayed in films, tv etc. My son watched Alvin cartoon on Netflix the other day. One episode a female came to stay at the house. Then the dad person was on the phone to someone saying how amazing it was having a woman around because she did all the cleaning and the house was immaculate. He was sat on the sofa with his feet up and she was in the background hoovering. I could not believe it.

I’m currently reading this! It is so interesting and I can’t put it down. It opens your eyes a lot.

I have also just finished women who love too much and would highly recommend anyone to read it.

Yes i have. I read it after (sadly after) a very abusive relationship I was in. It chilled me. I have recommended it to others since. If people knew that stuff from the beginning, if we could identify the red flags, it would save a lot of misery. I don't know how it can be part of women's education.

however I also think there's a lot of victim blaming - when in fact it's difficult for a variety of reasons for women to get out of or avoid those relationships. I read How he gets into her head by Don Hennessey more recently. I found that even more helpful. (and chilling - it's like there's an abuser script, model of behaviour).

I also recommend

Ive been reading the gift of fear after seeing it recommended on here. It is a bit victim-blamey but wow there is a lot of good stuff in there. I can only red a little bit at a time though so I know what you mean.

I’ve heard about the gift of fear. Was wondering about it. How is it victim blamey? I know he tells a story of giving talks and saying ‘ how many of you have left kids with baby sitter? how many of you have an uneasy feeling about your babysitter? Then why are you still here?’

@AnnaNimmity can you expand on the victim blaming? I’ve not picked up on that in it but would be interested to hear your opinion on that. I’ve not read very far yet though. I’ve not heard of How he gets into your Head. I’ll look it up.

I think there is a lot of talk about women spotting red flags, or asking why women put up with the most dreadful of treatment, or why they keep going back. The onus is on the women. I do think that women can learn about red flags, and boundaries and listening to their gut (the Gift of Fear is very good ) but it's about the abuser at the end of the day because any woman can be a victim, but the abusers have alot in common. (scarily alot in common - it's like there is an abusers reference book of methods).

The Don Hennessy book is clearer about the abuser. He makes it clear that any woman can be the victim of an abusive man. He goes out looking for and grooming that woman from the beginning. His tricks and methods are very clever. You can't spot an abuser, and his methods are very clever and make it difficult to leave.She will be brainwashed into staying. He will also use fear to keep her in a relationship. She will think at times she has gone insane.

It's no good asking a woman why she would subject her child to that abuse by staying with or returning to an abusive partner for example. It just piles on the blame on the woman.

An abuser from the beginning is looking for and moulding a woman who will put his needs before hers. No one is aware of this when it starts. He will use any means (including violence) to ensure that she continues to put his needs first. That she fears him or him leaving her. The Don Hennessey book was exceptionally enlightening to me

Thank you Anna. I’m going to have a think about that and keep it in mind while I’m reading the book.

It's a fantastic book @TwistyHair ! I'm not denying that. in fact, I would say it is the most important book if you are reading about abuse.

I’ve got a couple of friends in abusive relationships so it’s interesting from that angle too. Hoping it’s useful for me to be more supportive

It’s been on my shelf for years and I’ve just started to read it today!

I’ve just started reading the Lundy Bancroft book, too. I’m finding it a tough read at times. I’m trying to make myself read a bit every day, otherwise if I put it away I might not get back to it for a long time. Can anyone recommend any good books in setting boundaries for yourself in relationships, please?

I’m pleased to see recommendations of other books here.

I’m currently reading the Bancroft book. I wish I had read it years ago! I also started the Freedom Programme online a few weeks ago. I left my abusive marriage recently and both have been absolute eye openers.

@GilbertMarkham - thank you very much for your kind words!

I’ve read it. It was the first book I read when trying to figure out my now ex bf’s behaviour. It opened my eyes so much.
Another good book is ‘from charm to harm’ this really helped me too.

Can anyone recommend any good books in setting boundaries for yourself in relationships, please?

@WildestDreamsSunset.... Try this: Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Don't let the bible references put you off. The advice is solid.

Not heard of from charm to harm.

Some excellent suggestions on here. Years ago, when trying to help a family, I read the memoir Once In A House On Fire by Andrea Ashworth. It helped me to understand a lot and hopefully to help a little bit better, both that family and others in the future. I also gave it to the eldest girl to read, and she identified with it very much - it helped her feel less alone. Although it was many years ago, the book has stayed with me, and I would recommend it.

It is written for adults from a child's perspective and is also suitable for young adults.

@FlowerArranger
Many thanks for the recommendation. I’ll have a look at that book.

God I read once in a house on fire too. Before I really knew much about DV and I had no idea what it was going to be about. So it was so shocking.