Find it hard to forgive myself

[Raven79]

My daughter is 17 and hoping to go to uni soon. I'm excited for her. It's just been us during this lock down and I'm enjoying our time together. Her dad took his life when she was 2. We lost our home and had to live in a homeless hostel for 14 months. I did not cope very well. I didn't have much help but it's no excuse. When she was 3 I had to return a fan that had stopped working. I was carrying things and asked my daughter to walk next to me. She was being difficult demanding to hold my hand. I already wasnt copong. I lost it and swing the fan at her knocking her flying. I immediately went to my health visitor and confessed what is done. She was a great support to me for a good while. I keep thinking I don't deserve my amazing daughter, even though this happened 14 years ago. I wish we could have her childhood again and I wouldn't be such a crap mum. We've had good times since and I feel like we are close but I wish I'd been so different.

Wow. Her dad committed suicide and you've brought her up alone and now she's going to uni?!!!
You lost your temper when she was little and unintentionally swung something you were carrying?
You have done something amazing, you have given her enough confidence to enable her to achieve academically and go to university.
You deserve praise not self blame.
I guarantee your guilt feelings are linked to the knowledge that she is going away.
She's not running away, you've nurtured her and given her the tools to set out on her journey to adulthood.
I think what you are feeling is loss and bereavement because she's growing up. Amy loss will link back to previous losses and bring up lots of emotions.
Sending you hugs. I hope you have people in your life who you can spend time with when she goes.
Don't forget you can facetime her when she's away.
She'll always be your baby girl no matter where she goes.

You need to forgive yourself and move on.
You are torturing yourself over something you cant change.
I'm sure you have been the loving and caring mother you were supposed to be since that happened.
We all do things we regret. If you were such a bad mother then the incident would not have been a one off!

Dont worry about it. My ma gave me a battering every other day before I was 6 or 7. Think she was probably depressed. I couldn't give a shit now, love the crazy old cow to pieces. And I probably deserved half of the wallopings tbf xD

Your kid probably doesnt even remember if she was only 3. Dont beat yourself up anymore and just focus on the future.

It sounds like you are punishing yourself. Ok, so she didnt have a perfect childhood. Very few do. Stop focusing on your perceived failings and look at what you have done that has allowed her to get to a view university is an option. I'd say that's pretty darn remarkable x

You are self sabotaging. You’ve built yourself up an amazing life with s wonderful daughter, allow yourself to feel proud. Enjoy being with her.

Thank you all so much for being so lovely. I was laying in bed crying thinking of all the things I'd change. It's definitely linked to her going away to uni I think. I'm also post menopause at 40 so she's my first and last baby (I couldn't and wouldn't have anymore children now anyway but I think it's adding to how I'm feeling). I am so lucky to have her and I am very proud of her. I'm a teacher so I've lots to keep me busy I think it's adjusting and accepting to a new phase of life. I wish I had the benefit of hindsight to see that things would get so much better in those dark days and know that we'd be ok, then maybe I would have cherished that time more. I'll try to stop going over it and put it behind me. Thanks everyone xx

I wish I had the benefit of hindsight to see that things would get so much better in those dark days
But you didn't have that and things have still turned out wonderfully for your DD.
Please be proud of what you have achieved with her.
You did it all alone in really difficult circumstances.
You should be patting yourself on the back not still feeling guilt.
Time to reflect and be utterly thrilled at what you have accomplished.
We've all hurt our child unintentionally at some point. It happens to everyone!!!