I can’t take it anymore; what should I do ?

[LITTLEMISSNEWYORK]

Hello and thanks for reading this message. I am in an ongoing dilemma and I want to really break the cycle but don’t know how. My dad and I have always been pretty close but since being a parent I look at him differently and our arguments over the last 3-4 years, have become severe and I don’t know what to do. My son is 3 now and my dad has been a sometimes good constant in his life.

He has been helpful, never hesitated to help me out babysitting, even more recently shopping as I haven’t left my home due to the current situation.
He offered to do my shopping(Gave him my money) and I have accepted, when he first came he was taking my son for a walk and since then I ve said can he stop as I am worried, we have a front and back garden so my son can venture there. My dad thought I was rude when he Challenged me on it first time, so I apologised he then came to my home to sit with my son so I could go to the shops when I got back he seemed really angry and proceeded to start swearing and saying I, using my son as a pawn against family etc.

He called me right after but I decided not to answer and haven’t for nearly two weeks. He called today and the conversation was bad. To the point he said my son will find out one day in his own that I’m a bi*ch and my pride comes before my son. Just horrid things. He keeps on saying he doesn’t want a relationship with me just with my son who is 3. However I want nothing to do with him, he can be unhinged and I don’t want him in my home ever again. He’s overstepping his mark ,which he dismissed.

He’s done something similar where he turned up at my home ready to punch me as he says (this was years ago when I was pregnant) If I don’t answer his call he says I’m using my son as a weapon, he calls every day. I don’t want to break the bond with him and my son and I worry if my son doesn’t have a male influence things will be bad for him.

He says he’s worried about my son when he’s ok he says I’m a good parent I do a lot with my son, teach him to read, speak french, exercise count anything I can.

I’ve been crying all evening I can’t talk to my sister as she is so selfish. I want to cut him off, it’s been years of this and he’s so bitter. He’s an ex drug addict and no one really talks to him he seems lonely I guess but the pressure is just too much what do I do? Am I being selfish if I cut him off?

OP, he sounds absolutely awful.

There is a pattern of abusing you by him.

Your son does not need a male role model like him, let me assure you.

This is the right thing to do for you.

Block him.

Threatening to assault you is truly awful.

He will not change.

He wants to control you and your son.

He is not a good role model.

Mind yourself.

Yeah I need to get away from this pattern I just worry, as it’s just me and my son and yeah he is pretty young and things can change. I don’t think my dad is a good role model when I really think about it but I’m scared I’m depriving my son of something but really I could be doing him a favour

Do you seriously think your bat shit father is going to give your son the full on Norman Rockwell Grandpa-Son experience? I sure as hell knew my dysfunctional parents wouldn't and therefore have had very limited contact with my son and none of it unsupervised

Do you want your son to grow up to be like him?

I would think no male influence is better than the effect this awful man would have on your child.

Where’s your mum in all this? Have you got friends you can rely on rather than family? He isn’t a good role model for your son. He can’t control himself and it’s best your son doesn’t see that behaviour or he will start copying it

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. He sounds abusive and I would keep away from him and more importantly keep your son away. Have you any other family support close by?

Severe arguments, very angry, swearing, calling you a bitch, threatening to punch you, trying to control you and interfere with your parenting, overstepping boundaries... - and he is a bitter ex-drug addict who puts you under pressure.

Is this all or is there something else? Why would you even want your son to have a bond with him. Or any kind of influence. Male influence is not some magic dust that will enhance your son's development. On the contrary, in your dad's case it is actually damaging!

You want the role models in your child's life to be people who are kind. Calm, considerate, loving, but above all kind.

Your son doesn't need a male role model who is abusive to his mother, that's the last thing he needs. He'll get on absolutely fine with a strong mother as a role model. My brother and I grew up without our abusive shit of a father in our lives, no male grandparents either and he has gone on to be the best father to his own and his step children.
Free yourself from this man and just be the best you can be for your son.

Every kid needs an abusive ex druggie in their life! No! Your dad is nasty so walk away.

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to comment. I have 3 sisters and a brother my brother is pretty lazy and he tried to physically discipline my son so I decided not to be around him. My sisters and I all don’t have a relationship. I only share a mom with one of my sisters and she has mental health issues, so she shuts down Immediately if any drama ensues. I don’t have any one close by so it would just be me and my son if I took my dad out the picture, my mom has made it clear she doesn’t want anything to do with us. My dad seems to blow up over thinking I’m being disrespectful and doesn’t like the way I do things I.e if I spend my own money I spend too much, the car I’ve bought is because I want to show off. He criticises me constantly and he seems obsessed with having to talk and see my son. Since he came to my home and my son saw him shouting etc he hasn’t asked for grandad. I want to make a change but I’m scared and Worried to be completely alone. It’s getting easier as my son gets older I do need a break but I get to WFH now and won’t need the help I once did so I think now is the time to change. My sister says I might be being ungrateful cutting him off but none of my siblings talk to him as much as I do they know what he’s like.

@LITTLEMISSNEWYORK...... It is entirely natural to want your family to be loving, and to help you and guide you through your childhood and into adulthood and beyond. Sadly, this is not going to happen for you.

This book by Susan Forward will probably help you: Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

But you will need to look beyond your family for emotional support: friends, women's groups. And become strong and self-reliant, with strong boundaries and a finely tuned bullshit detector.

This is an opportunity to ‘deprive’ your son of an abusive, manipulative, bitter man. Take it with both hands!