Need some advice

[Xxmaddiexx]

Hi everybody, I could use a bit of help. A couple of years ago I was in a physically abusive relationship and it all came to a head when he nearly killed me. Luckily, I managed to escape and get help in time.
Fast forward a couple of years and I’m with somebody new, who is a million miles apart from my ex. The only thing is for some reason he has it in his head that I’m still in love with my ex, despite me never talking about him at all. When he has a drink, he always talks about how he knows that I still have feelings for my ex and asks me questions about the relationship, which makes me really uncomfortable.
I have asked him many times to stop doing this and have tried to explain to him that when my attacker’s name is mentioned, it almost re-traumatises me and puts me on edge for hours afterwards. He doesn’t seem to understand or even acknowledge the way I’m feeling.
What should I do?

Run for the hills.

Run, run away. He’s waving a big red flag right at you!

Red flag -

Asking you details about a relationship he knows was abusive? Why drunk no.

Run x

OP it doesn't sound as though you've done the necessary work to recover from your previous relationship. You are not ready for another relationship.

Please finish this relationship as soon as you can. It's dysfunctional.

I really suggest that you do the Freedom Programme and get some counselling, preferably counselling specific to those who have experienced abuse. Your local domestic abuse organisations may be able to give you the names of organisations.

I think you need to ask him why he thinks you are still in love with your ex. He must have some reason in his head ( however mental it is) and you haven’t been able to verbalise and process it because you don’t know the reason he has dreamt up. Understand the problem first, then I’m sure us MNers can help with a solution. Do you and the abuser share contact with common kids? That would also affect the answer on how to broach the subject.

Sorry lovely, it's just a different form of abuse. Have you done the Freedom Programme?

Every time he brings it up just say, 'we've been through this and I'm not going there again.' If he continues, leave the room. If he follows, let him know this is dysfunctional and tell him you'll talk to him in the morning.
When morning comes explain to him that he either has to be more aware of what he's putting you through when he's drinking or stop drinking altogether. If he really can't get over it and the relationship is making you unhappy more than happy, leave. Hope it works out for you x

I went through a year of therapy afterwards and my current boyfriend was actually my first boyfriend around 10 years ago so we know each other inside out.
My ex and I have no children, my current boyfriend has never met my ex and as a result of what happened, my ex went to prison for almost a year afterwards so they’ve never come into contact with each other. Doesn’t make sense to me at all.

Run OP, run so fast.

Another crazy abusive man.

No respect for your boundaries.

So weird, he actually gets a kick out of the idea of hearing a story about how you nearly died.

You are NOT ready to go near another man if you don't realise the second time he asked you, you should have been gone.

Why would he be saying you are still in love with someone who tried to kill you?

Because he is a freak.

Get the hell away and do the Freedom Programme.

He’s mentioned a tattoo of my ex’s initials that I still have on my back because I’ve not had the money to get it removed or covered. I’ve explained to him that I was massively coerced into doing this and it wasn’t a free choice.

@Xxmaddiexx what you've done wasn't enough because you're in another abusive relationship.

You still can't spot the red flags.

You need to do the Freedom Programme or a similar programme so that you can learn unhealthy as well as healthy relationship patterns.

When you tell someone that you were seriously physically abused and by mentioning their name, you are triggered, the person stops that behaviour. That's a healthy reaction to someone you care about being upset.

You listen to what they say, you hear them and you change your behaviour.

You don't keep getting drunk and accusing them of being in love with an abuser and triggering them. That's awful, shitty, dysfunctional, abusive behaviour and a sign that someone does not care about your feelings.

You need to finish the relationship and do some more work on yourself or you will keep repeating this cycle.

So your Ex was a Level 10 abusive knob. Unfortunately you are now with a Level 7 abusive knob. Neither of them is acceptable.

Dump him and do the Freedom Programme.

You’ve told him it’s traumatic yet he keeps doing it. He’s deliberately trying to traumatise you. He’s going for your week spot.

Please leave him. This isn’t healthy or normal.

Most people wouldn’t DREAM of repeatedly bringing up someone’s worst experience and attacking them for it!
Can you imagine doing that to a friend? Of course not, it would be an appalling thing to do. It’s certainly not what you do to someone you claim to love. Your last relationship was so bad your perspective is squewed.

It will get worse as he gets bolder with this line of attack.

Begin drunk does not change who someone is. He is asking about your ex because he is abusing you and using drink as the excuse. Run.

He sounds like a very insecure & Jelous person .

Another one saying dump him. He's abusive. Probably not as abusive as your X, but abusive all the same.

As @billy1966 says - suggesting that you might still be in love with someone who tried to kill you is truly weird, actually quite sick. Also, in pursuing the whole 'you're still in love with your ex' line, he's shaping up to heap all kinds of controlling sh1t on you about what you need to do to prove you're over your ex and how you need to behave, who you can and can't see, where you can and can't go, how you can and can't dress etc so that he never has to worry about you being interested in someone else either. That alone is a serious red flag.

The fact that he's also knowingly behaving in a way which re-traumatises you - that is just absolutely brutal and a massive red flag.

And this is how he behaves now. It will only get worse if you become more enmeshed (e.g. living together/marriage/children).

Please get away from him and perhaps do some further therapy and work on your boundaries and what you will and won't accept in a relationship. Your perception of what's acceptable is still skewed by what you suffered with your X.

You can do this, OP - you got away from your X. You can put this guy behind you, too. Good luck.

It's another type of abuse- or at least really annoying. What happens if you just tell him to stop it?

As your ex when to prison for a year, he virtually couldn't be more wrong, could he?