Advice on how to deal with STBXH (v.long)

[Shutyoureyes]

Hi
First time post, lurker for a while.
I'm after a bit of advice on how you would deal with STBXH in this situation as I don't know what's best. It's tricky condensing into one post!
Been having problems for a while, we've been together since I was 16 and him 27, for over 20 years now. I was a bit vulnerable at the time, parents divorce, out drinking a bit and he represented stability. He always says he saved me from going off the rails. He's always been very up and down and quickish temper (shouty and sulky/stroppy), but also loving and kind. He has low self esteem, bit of a victim often, but I've tried constantly to build him up over the years (didn't work).

Towards the end of 2018 I started to realise I had feelings for someone else, nothing happened and nobody knew, but it made me really think about my marriage. I quickly realised I wasn't happy and had for a long time been 'managing' the situation, but bumbling along fairly oblivious. About 8 or 9 years ago, STBXH has a text relationship, or emotional affair lasting a few months (like 40 messages a day or so), never quite got to the bottom of the extent of the content, but he'd deleted all the messages, got caught (twice) by the other husband, and then threatened to kill himself when he told me about it because he felt to guilty apparently. I was distraught, but felt I didn't have much choice than to let it go because he was so upset/emotional and I was worried what he would do. Anyway, I thought I had let it go, but the recent problems have brought it all back.

For a year from last Jan I tried first to see if I could feel differently towards him, then when I realised the love had gone, tried to leave gently because of his previous threats (ie If I didn't have you, my life wouldn't be worth living, etc), bearing in mind we have two lovely DC's (teenagers). Anyway, my gradual withdrawal caused some of his behaviours to escalate, arguments in front of the kids, shouting, banging fists on tables, me always walking away, him going off crying loudly in the bedroom for hours for all to hear so the kids would go and check on him, him trying to get me to agree to his sex compromise (at least 2/3 times per week), telling me I had my priorities wrong because I worked full time (in the last few years) and loved my job, him saying the most happy he was was just after his EA because we had loads of sex, even though I told him, funny, that was my worst time! Loads and loads of other stuff too.

I eventually moved out into rented in the middle of the year as he refused to leave and it was such a bad environment for the kids, but still went back regularly, the kids shared time between.
I now realise his relationship with sex is a big part of this and I don't think it's 'normal'. We still went on a big planned 'holiday of a lifetime' together & DC's, but he came home halfway through because I wouldn't agree to have sex with him anymore - especially after he told me if I was too tired or didn't feel like it, the least I should do would be to sort him out (not his words!) - and said what's the point in him staying if he wasn't going to have it! I think he was bluffing so I'd tell him to stay and agree to it, but I booked him a flight and drove him to the airport instead. He made the whole part of the trip while he was there as miserable as possible, took the fun out of everything.

Culminated just before Xmas when he'd picked me up to stay a couple of nights (in the spare room), with him telling me, in front of our son, 'You should make the most of me while you can, you don't know how close I came last week to ending it, and if you don't start appreciating me and come back and make the commitments we've talked about, I might not be around in a month'. Since then I haven't been back to stay or really had much contact at all, mostly just about the kids. He hasn't acknowledged what he's said or apologised for any behaviour, I'm the baddy because I'm the one who changed and stopped loving him and I chose to leave him. He's said this in front of the kids too.

Now I've asked him about getting some work on the house finished to sell it and share the equity 50/50 so we can both move on, thinking I was being reasonable as I put nearly 50k extra into it gifted by a relative in 2012 and he tells me he doesn't need to sell the house until our youngest finishes education, sorry! Obviously I'm the one that left, so I just have to suck it up.
I'd really hoped he was going to be reasonable, despite all the signs pointing otherwise, but it looks like not, so I've appointed a solicitor to get things moving. It makes me sad because we had loads of good times, but he's choosing to be nasty and childish, he says I've hurt him too much (no responsibility at all for his part). He still often cries in front of the kids and uses them, especially DS as an emotional support, but I can't do anything about that.

He's so volatile, I find it hard to deal with him rationally and I finally realised, but not until I was out of it, how wrong some of his behaviour has been. It's really started to affect my mood just lately, like it's all hitting home, but I've started seeing a counsellor now. Lockdown doesn't help!

If you've made it this far, well done!!

I guess it's best to leave it to the solicitor now, but a) it's going to cost a bloody fortune, b) I'm worried he'll drag it on for ages and not have to sell so I can't move on and c) I'm really worried how he's going to react when he see's my unreasonable behaviour reasons! I was going to leave it the two years separation, but I really don't want to have to wait for that now.
How would you deal with someone like this? Any ideas?

Sounds absolutely awful!

Please don't take this the wrong way when I ask this, but could you have possibly moved to a rented which could house your DC's or did they want to stay with him? Is there a possibility you could still do that? It still does not sound like a healthy environment for them. My Mum sounds very similar to your ex and we were left with her. She continually bad mouthed my Dad, told us things we didn't need to hear and threatened suicide to my 12 year old brother if he left to stay with my Dad. We all moved out as soon as could.

With regard to solicitor, best thing is to take a free session so you have a rough idea how they believe things may go so you are at least prepared.

As your DC are teenagers it is not automatic that he will have the right to keep the house until they are out of education, judge may force a sale. Overall it is better not to move children when they are already going through difficulties but really, they should not be staying with him and it would hopefully put you in a better position to care for them on a more permanent basis. I am not surprised you are worried about his reaction which makes it even more important you try get things sorted that put the DC at the heart of it. You cannot allow him to bully you by using DC.

Speak to someone, get family counselling for you and the kids. Even mediation with ex (although they likely won't entertain it due to his behaviour).

There is a way through this. His behaviour is not normal and has effects right into adulthood. You are absolutely entitled to leave this relationship without the abusive behaviour.

I wish you and your children all the best x

He sounds bloody awful and to be quite frank a 27 y/o going after a 16 y/o sounds like bloody grooming to me.

By the sounds of things he's been controlling and emotionally abusive throughout your relationship. Good for you that you have woken up and left him.

The best thing to do with men like this is grey rock. Google the technique. Don't engage with him, don't respond, don't react - basically be as interesting as a grey rock.

Keep all correspondence to email and about the kids and access only.
Direct everything divorce-related to your solicitor.

You were still a young impressionable child when he was a fully grown man.

Speak to a solicitor and find out the best way to go about this.

@MyHeartBeatsInEights
Yes, they do have a bedroom each here with me. I've just tried to keep things really fair and encourage them to go 50/50, which isn't hard because they are close to their dad and he's been a good dad to them, apart from more recently with all this escalation. DS is very close/wants approval from him and I think feels he needs him, DD is great, she sees right through it. She tells me when he cries she just walks away and goes to her room and leaves him to it. I wouldn't want them to feel like the loyalties are split and they have to choose. At the moment they're still open and their usual selves with me and I try and keep things relaxed, but I'm keeping an eye on things. I'd really like to get a place of our own sooner rather than later though so they can feel it's another proper home.
@FallonSwift what my mum said at the time! She was not happy, but I knew better!

To be fair, there's generally been a lot of love all around over the years, just these few issues which then became massive over the last year.
Which is partly why it makes me sad that he's being such a plank now and making it all about him.

I'm thinking this grey rock thing is the way to go, it's tricky when you're used to being the one to find solutions and compromises to everything.

That's good. Sorry I misread the situation and thought they were living with him and you visiting.

Understandable your son wants his Dad's approval but great your DD can see through it.

Grey rock is definitely the best option. You'll never 'win' with someone who uses emotional blackmail. Children are old enough and have a good relationship with you so you do not need to get involved with his rubbish x

I’m so sorry you have had this experience. I’m not sure what to suggest but you sound like you are very strong and I wish you the best in dealing with this individual.