Lockdown reveals what our relationship is really like.

[totallyyesno]

Been together almost 20 years, 3 kids. Throughout all this time my one main complaint is that DH doesn't communicate anything to me, basically always makes big decisions on his own, rarely asks me my opinion. A few times we have almost split up over this but we have patched things up. For me, marriage should be about feeling part of a team but DH rarely consults me on anything and is a closed book.

Anyway, being on lockdown has really brought it home to me how lonely I feel. Normally, this is masked by stuff to do, friends to offload to etc but now we are with each other all the time. If I try and start a conversation, he either half listens and doesn't contribute or argues against me. It's hard work talking like this so I've more or less given up. For the past week he hasn't once initiated a conversation with me that wasn't about logistics of dinner or kids. Nothing personal at all.

Anyway, I don't know what I expect to get from writing this dow. He's not awful. I don't suspect him of cheating or anything. I just feel an immense sadness at the thought of another twenty years of being alone in a marriage.

So once your DC fly the nest, what then???
Can you imagine this for the rest of your life?
Just you and him, together, for decades more???
He won't change, it's been 20 years.
How old are the DC?
I'd be making a long term exit plan.
Don't live a half life.

It’s really good that you’ve started a thread about this. It will help you to see it it black and white.

Also it will help others who are feeling the same. Lots of us have spent years trying to make our marriages work and keeping busy with children, the house, our own work and social lives.

When most of this is suddenly taken away it exposes the reality.

It’s ok to leave because you are unhappy. It’s not as if you haven’t tried.

You're right. There are strong reasons to stay together for the moment. Youngest children are at primary school. I feel I have to plan for my own future but it is so soul destroying!

It’s ok to leave because you are unhappy.
I can't leave for a few years but I suppose I am also worried that I am just being selfish, menopausal and maybe all marriages end up like this!

Why can’t you leave for a few years ?

They don't. You should be able to enjoy each other's company.

Sounds like you are very incompatible and the outside interests have masked this. Imagine when the dc have left home what will you be left with then ? Life really is too short and yes splitting up when dc are involved can be complicated and isn't without its issues. But the older your dc are the more they will notice their parents don't actually have a great relationship.

All marriages don’t end up like this. And even if they do, it’s still ok for you to leave because you are unhappy.

Yes it might be menopausal, if Everything was great before and suddenly it’s terrible. But you said you’ve nearly split up several times before over his behaviour and I’m assuming that’s been over a period of years.

And if your judgement was being affected by depression or the menopause if would affect other parts of your life too, not just your feelings about your marriage.

Why can’t you leave for a few years ?
Partly because I don't have enough money but mainly because my immigration status is currently tied in with the marriage to dh and if I jeopardise that I will just be creating more problems down the line.

Have you had legal advice about the immigration issue or at least researched it property online ? Don’t just rely on what your husband or his family have told you.

Yes, the process is underway - it just takes a long time! I am overseeing it, not DH.

Sometimes it's useful to think about where you want to be in five years. Then you can look at the steps you need to make. Do you work, are you happy in your role? Would it be good to take some training to challenge you more, pursue an interest and give u some me time. How can you change your immigration status? If I did leave, what do I need?

Good luck

Well if you can’t leave then you just have to use the time wisely to plan your new life. Get more qualifications, build your career, put money into your pension and savings, improve your social life, get fitter, etc.

And stop trying to flog the dead horse of your marriage. You can’t fix it alone and your husband is obviously not Interested in anything except a flat mate, nanny and maid.

Once you accept that it’s over you can grieve and then move on emotionally. Maybe seeing a counsellor ( alone of course ) would help with this.

Good luck

Thank you!

Get more qualifications, build your career, put money into your pension and savings, improve your social life, get fitter, etc.
This is good advice. Qualifications-wise, I am over-qualified for what I am doing but I have had to put my career on the backburner somewhat because of childcare and also because DH has prioritised his career over the years which slowly meant that it made sense to priorities his career because my earnings were so much lower...sigh... I definitely need to get fitter!

Well it no longer makes sense to prioritise his career if you plan to leave in a few years. So start prioritising yours. Tell him you want to develop your career, get a nanny / child minder and get him to step up.

Can you tell him how you feel? Radical, I know but if you make time when the kids are in bed and tell him how this CV time has made you reflect and you want to have a better relationship. If not face to face then by letter? I think we all get into a rut and resentment creeps in. If you aren't able or prepared to go and you are currently stuck together, isn't it worth a try? x

Believe we, we've talked about it a lot. He'll listen and change for maybe a couple of days and then back to normal.

Couple counselling - online obvs - or a self help marriage book?

"He'll listen and change for maybe a couple of days and then back to normal."

That sounds familiar. 10 years with DH and he cannot see my point of view, which is that he has not supported me emotionally, practically or financially for years. Currently weighing up my options as I wanted to separate before lockdown but as the sole earner he could insist I pay for wherever he moves to. We have two fairly young children but I'm not willing to be miserable any longer. Nightmare.