Confused and disappointed

[OfTheNight]

I recently proposed to my partner. We have discussed marriage and both agreed it’s what we wanted. I’ve been married before, he had been engaged before. Definitely felt we were on the same wavelength.

DP is lovely, but very practical. I’m a bit more spontaneous. Both of us are romantics.

Due to lockdown I went to quite a lot of effort to recreate our favourite restaurant at home, I had a special key ring made and engraved (I know it’s not much, but he’s not a jewellery person and I bought him an expensive watch at Christmas),the design and engraving are extremely meaningful to us. I really carefully thought about what I wanted to say. At the end of the meal, I got down on one knee and popped the question. He was (I thought) really happy, he was teary and he enthusiastically accepted. We had a lovely night celebrating.

In the morning he called me his fiancée and told me to start looking at rings. All good so far.

The problem is that was a week ago and he hadn’t mentioned it since.

I asked about when we should tell people and he was very non committal, eventually he said we could tell close family now, then ‘make it public’ when I have a ring. I chose a ring (not extortionate) and asked if he wanted me to buy it/go halves. He said no, he would buy it but it would take a few months. Which is absolutely fine, no problem with that, although I’m more than happy to pay/contribute.

But he’s not told anyone, or talked about it since. He’s very close to his mum and sister and they message every day, but he’s not said anything about it . He hasn’t mentioned it at all.

I don’t know if I’m being a muppet, but I feel a bit disappointed. He doesn’t seem excited or happy about it. It just seems to have been swept under the carpet. Almost like he regrets saying yes, so he’s saying nothing and hoping it will go away.

He is 100% the sort of person that goes above and beyond to make other people happy. I think it’s highly likely he said yes so as not to upset me, but now he doesn’t know what to do.

I’m really not sure how to handle this! Any advice appreciated.

Do you think he might have wanted to be the one to propose?
Or is it this lockdown and it’s isolated feeling making him feel a bit deflated?

'He is 100% the sort of person that goes above and beyond to make other people happy. I think it’s highly likely he said yes so as not to upset me, but now he doesn’t know what to do'

Possibly

I certainly would leave it for now. This lockdown doesn't make things easy. You've chosen a ring, is this online?? Perhaps he's wanting to be more traditional.

He's been engaged before?? Why didn't he get married. Are there dc involved is he very young?

I’d tackle this now, OP. I have an ‘impractical’ friend who said yes when his long-distance girlfriend proposed (after eight years, I imagine she realised he was never going to), went along with things when she organised the wedding, went along with things when she organised two sets of IVF, and then ended up years on declaring he wanted a divorce and really messing up three lives, including two young children’s.

You’ve got a yes-man who goes along with other people’s ideas to avoid confrontation/upset. You weren’t wrong to propose, of course, but definitely don’t marry someone who’s just bobbing along in your wake. It’s a potential mess.

Is he normally a romantic person? Does he think a lot about significance and meaning?
I only ask as I have friends who put huge importance onto these things, for example planning elaborate proposals on meaningful dates, thinking anniversaries are really important etc.
On the other hand, stuff like that just seems so over the top to me. Not to say I wouldn’t be excited in his shoes, but that maybe all the attention to detail has been lost on him and he doesn’t realise what a huge deal it is for you?
Or is this an instance of you asking on here cos deep down you know he’s not on the same page as you?
I think sit him down for an honest discussion about it, allow him to say how he feels with no annoyance from you. It’s the only way to know. Ask him calmly if he wants to end the engagement and accept his answer. You may feel you don’t want to make it so easy for him but honestly do you want him to stay engaged just cos he daren’t tell you how he really feels?

I’m normally a massive pessimist but to me it honestly sounds like he wanted to be the one to do it and is waiting untill he can buy you the ring etc .

I’m Assuming you are female , maybe he prefers the thought of asking you ?
And before everyone jumps down my throat no I don’t think it should have to be that way round !

Oh and I know he hasn’t said this but generally men who ‘want to be the one to propose’ are just men who are stalling. Unless there are active proposal plans in the works (ring bought, venue arranged etc) it’s just a tactic to buy indefinite time.
You did the right thing to propose to him but he (and anyone else) is allowed to not want to get married. Good luck.

Thank you for all the responses.

In answer to a few questions, he got engaged when he was young (early 20s, we’re now mid 30s) and he felt pressure from her and her family to do it. Shortly after she cheated on him and the relationship ended. He’s had other relationships since, but ours is the most serious.

I have a DS and DP is a fab step dad and they get on really well.

DP is really romantic and thoughtful, even more than I am. I’m pretty certain he got the meaning as he responded in a very emotional way (cried happily).

I think that you’re all probably right and I’ll have to have a proper chat with him. I didn’t want to seem pushy or over enthusiastic. I feel pretty embarrassed now so I’ll chat to him tonight and see what he says. I definitely don’t want him to get engaged to me because he feels he has to, which is probably what has happened. I’ve probably misread the situation. Silly me! Thank you everyone

I’ve probably misread the situation. Silly me!

Nothing at all silly about proposing, OP. The silly threads are the ones by desperate women who've had three children with a man they've been with for twenty years, who dangles an engagement ring like an ever-receding mirage carrot.

And you probably haven't 'misread' anything if you've discussed marriage in the past, it's just that he sounds like rather a passive man, if this is the second time he's felt railroaded into an actual engagement...?

Yes that’s worrying isn’t it.
I don’t know if this makes any difference, but we have had lots of conversations about our future. I even (a few weeks back) sneakily asked how he would feel if I proposed and he said he’d be really happy and say yes (which he did do and seem at the time).

He says all the time that he has never felt the way he feels about me. In his previous relationships, he has never met with ex’s kids (Should they have any) or lived with them. But he has readily done both in our relationship and he really is a doting step dad.

He is thoughtful, supportive and loving everyday and he describes me as his best friend. He’s the polar opposite of abusive exH.
I am going to talk to him, but admittedly I feel really awkward . Plus I know I’ll be gutted if he says he’s changed his mind. I know that’s completely his right and I’d never want to push him, but it’ll still sting a bit.

I had an OH like that, I said it was making things feel like a joke that we were supposedly engaged because nothing was happening. He said 'Well, you don't have to tell people about it.' (!) The whole point of a (real rather than just an 'at some point in the future we'll get married') engagement is that it is public.

He didn't really want to get married at the time, going by his behaviour. He'd been married before so it was less of a thing for him, also he was taking me for granted and thought he could treat me any which way.

It does sound like with your DP it may be due to his experience with his ex after getting engaged.

I agree with PP's that I'd let him know how you were feeling about him not mentioning it to people- you've got nothing to lose by doing so. xxx

Thank you all for your advice, it is really appreciated. I know that I just have to rip the plaster off and ask. I’m doing my best to prepare to hear that he wants to forget about the proposal, I don’t want to seem upset or anything because that’s not very fair. I know it’s not my right to be upset but I am.

An update and thanks again for taking the time to post.

I asked him about it, he was really apologetic and said he was planning to tell the family on the video call later this week. He showed me a couple of emails between him and a jewellery designer about rings and bookmarked pages of venues. He said he’s been really happy and been squirrelling away with ideas and plans. To be fair we have been busy with work and DS, so he felt we hadn’t had time to talk about plans. He was really upset that his reaction had made me feel unsure. He said very clearly that he never would have said yes if he wasn’t extremely happy and wanted to get married. I am so glad I took your advice and talked to him. Thanks again

Great news, glad it's all good!

Lovely news. Congratulations.

Aww, glad it went well. xx