DM “helping” with wedding

[prenuptiallypanicked]

Ooooookay.
So in Jan I got engaged to my DP. He’s amazing, love him to bits, can’t wait to be married and start a family with him.
My “D”M... was very obviously not impressed when we told her. We have never had a close relationship. Younger DSis is the golden child and has been with her partner for 6 years, but DSis still loves at my parents home and is apparently not planning to move in with her BF until they are married.
DP and I had my mum and sister over for dinner a few days after we got engaged, my mum and sister basically sat me down and lectured me about how I should be planning a “proper” wedding that all my mum’s friends and family can be impressed by. Mum also stated “well of course DSis will be your maid of honour”, and I was taken aback by how suddenly she brought it up that I just agreed without taking the time to think about it.
A few months have passed and DM and DF have both offered to help with wedding costs, which were really greatful for, but while my dad has just said he’s happy for us and let us get on with it my mum and sister are basically planning the wedding from their house. When I call to see how they are doing I get told that my sister has found her perfect desss and that my mum has talked to the caterers and they can do her ideal menu and I am just thinking that I am not even wanting to go through with it any more.
We signed a contract with the venue several weeks ago and honestly while I was thrilled at the time I now just want to cancel it and run away and do it somewhere else. If DP was not so close to his family I would want to elope without question but he is really tight with his family and does not want them to miss our.
Should I just let mum and sister plan it and get on with it? Without her help we would not be able to do half as nice a wedding but I’m on two mins whether it is worth it

If you find it difficult to stand up to them work out what the 3 most important things are to you and your DP. Stick rigidly to those things and let the rest go.

No doubt they see it as a dry run for DS's wedding.

If you are able to tackle it head on I would be very inclined to say that due to Covid you've had a major rethink, especially as it's uncertain when you'd be able to get married and how many people might be able to come. Then quietly get on with your planning (Don't use their money) and then when it's all decided you can let them know what the new plan is. Your DM will still have another wedding she can plan.

Work out exactly what you want. Who you want there. What your partner wants. And see what sort of budget you need.
Then tell them to fuck off. Be blunt, cause a scene. You're already the scapegoat might as well live up to it. They can then go to town vilifying you to their hearts content, which they will do even if you break it to them gently. You might as well get some anger out.

This is the time for a destination wedding but only invite his parents/family.

Basically take them on holiday with you and spring the wedding surprise on them, so eloping but having your in laws with you...

UK destination is fine btw

Thank you everyone for your replies - I’ve got a happy development!
I had been playing it neutral for a couple of days, just updating her on little things. Then today she asked for a copy of our full guest list. I called and asked why she needed it - she already knew that all the guests for the ceremony were our family members as we’d rather have a smaller ceremony. She kept repeating “well because I want it! want to know!” it was a really self-righteous way she was saying it, but every time she said “I want it!” I asked “why though?” And she couldn’t give any reason besides that she wanted to know. In the past she’s said that she wants certain people invited to be there to celebrate with her, so I think the reason she felt she needed to see the list was to check they were still on it (which they were). I explained she knows everyone on my side, but that the names on DP’s list wouldn’t make sense to her as she doesn’t know them (our families haven’t met yet, we were planning a BBQ before lockdown but for obvious reasons it hasn’t happened yet!), but she insisted she needed to see. In the end she told me I was being selfish and that as she was paying, she had a right to know.
That was it - I went and spoke to DP, and we decided that if this was what was going to happen for 2 years if she is involved, then we wouldn’t be putting up with it. I called her to say thanks for offering to contribute, but we’d decided we want to be accountable for our own decisions, so we will be covering the amount she offered to contribute.
I want to say thank you all for your encouragement - I can’t wait to plan a beautiful wedding that’s perfect for DP and me!

Great update!

Fantastic update! What did she say when you told her?

Well done op. A woman with balls.
A rare species!!

Well done, I am sure there will be barbed comments but stand firm and enjoy your wedding!

I am bloody impressed though at your mums ability to sort caterers out for two years ahead in a lockdown! Bravo that woman!!

A great update!

A fantastic update. Well done.

My MIL talked me into having my SIL as a bridesmaid. I had met her twice. Wish I had stuck to my guns and said no. Apart from that our day was all ours, bliss.

Joke was when SIL got married 2 years later Dh wasn't even an usher, but was given usher duties ie idenitify several members from his side of the family to give them buttonholes at the church. Arseholes.

Well done for taking back control!

Well done. This is a really brilliant move.

What’s important now is that you maintain control - they will both be manoeuvring in by stealth - and also criticising your choices to bully and upset you. Don’t give them the chance.

So tell them NOTHING - keep in vague - don’t tell them the venue, details etc / until it’s all buttoned down....just give vanilla, non-commital answers. Confirm the date and nothing else. Just send the invite 6 weeks before!

Watch out for your DF or other flying monkeys - nagging you to involve DM etc and guilt tripping you - and also trying to get info from your fiancé or other friends and family.

Good on you. These types are the worst - so disrespectful, deluded and entitled. They’ve had their wedding day and I bet they didn’t take any input from anyone else.

Go for the personal touch - what means a lot to you and your fiancé - not what your overbearing DM and DSis want.

I've read enough of the JustNoMIL forum on reddit to know Gutterton is probably right. Your mum is displaying typical narcissistic traits. It wouldn't be appropriate to diagnose her here, but the traits are noticeable. She feels anxious and upset she can't completely control your wedding. She will fight you every step of the way to try and impose her will, and see nothing wrong with this.

There are all sorts of tricks she could try. Inviting her side of the family without you knowing, squeezing out your fiancee's family in the process. Phoning caterers, pretend to be you, and change or cancel details. Hopefully it won't come to that, but good luck.

Wow well done! How did she react?

Stick to your guns, OP. It sounds to me as if she was taken aback by your comments, but that she will regroup and start another attack in the future.

Just an idea - when you have a mother like this, it never ends. She'll keep trying to interfere until the day you get married. The best way to stop her, is to do a surprise wedding . Announce that you are having a party for everyone to meet before you get married. Then on the night, when everyone arrives, you announce happily " we actually got married this morning !" . Done and dusted. Good luck, OP.

A-mazing OP! I had the exact same experience with my first wedding with my mother.

Demanding guests we've never met. When I stated we'd invited friends, hissing 'just how many friends is she inviting?' and demanding my cousins daughter be a flower girl even though we didn't really want bridesmaids. (she prefers her niece to me so it's no surprise)

She once said 'I know people like to know what the bride is wearing, but what they're REALLY interested in is what the brides mother is wearing' yes really. and my favourite. 'don't let exHs Mum look nicer than me!' it was hard given that exHs mum was a lovely lady, and very well groomed, whereas my mother believes she shouldn't have to deal with her moustache which could rival captain birds eye

Needless to say, she wasn't invited to the second wedding, and we haven't spoken to her for over a decade (bliss)

Well done! Is your sister still your MoH? Don’t let her plan the hen night

Excellent. How very un-mumsnet.

Enjoy your planning!