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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me to have a plan

24 replies

Twinklestar1981 · 27/04/2020 21:10

I would really appreciate some help . I have posted on here before about my verbally abusive DH. I had been desperately trying to get a job before the lockdown to pay for solicitors fees but had no success . DH calls me names and swears at me front of my children , he has in the past intimidated me by not letting me leave a room and getting in my face and glaring at me in public to make me feel afraid . At times ( not all the time ) I have been very afraid of him . He calls me mental and tells me I need sectioning , it’s so hurtful. I need sectioning but he doesn’t mind me getting up and doing all the childcare , homeschooling etc . The lockdown is unbearable . Anyway I am wondering how I can initiate a divorce when I have no money , I can’t afford the fees . He has a wealthy family and has said he is ready for a war whenever I ask to split . He is somehow saying he will be able to get a good lawyer . What are the chances of him getting the kids as I can’t support myself ? I have told him I don’t want a war I just want my kids to be in a non toxic environment. I have been the main Carer for 8 years and my name is on the house . Thank you for any help .

OP posts:

billy1966 · 27/04/2020 21:13

OP, call the police and tell them you are afraid.

999, you start there.

You ask the police to refer you for help and advice.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/04/2020 21:19

ok. Start distancing yourself emotionally. Take a step back and watch how he behaves as if he were doing this to someone else. Try really hard to take emotion out of the equation because then you start to see things more logically.

Start making plans. Look at housing available in your area. Use private pages when you do this if you share a laptop. Start looking at finances. Start gathering information about house value, savings, and pensions.

Start looking at schools for the kids. If you separate, you'll need to work. Incidently, why do you homeschool? Are you in the UK? It's common for abusive men to want the kids to be homeschooled (I'm not for one minute suggesting that all homeschooled kids have abusive fathers so please don't anyone come back at me for that - that's really not my point here).

Regarding solicitors - don't bother. He is never ever going to be in agreement with you. Go straight to court - on your own - the judge will divide the assets fairly. If you have to go to mediation - do one session that is required of you - you will learn from that session whether he really wants to come to an agreement or whether he just wants to play games.

Do you think he really wants to have the kids, or do you think he's just saying that because he knows it upsets you? Even Paul McCartney only got 50/50 child residence with Heather, in spite of all his money and fancy lawyers.

category12 · 27/04/2020 21:21

You may be able to get legal aid if there's domestic abuse. You have a claim on the marital assets, house, pensions, savings, etc. You may be able to pay a solicitor out of the financial settlements.

If you're afraid, you need to call the police.

Speak to Women's Aid and the Rights of Women.

Windyatthebeach · 27/04/2020 21:24

Raising dc on benefits for now won't label you a shit dm...
Start gathering legal stuff. Bc etc.

12345kbm · 27/04/2020 21:25

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time OP.

Have a look at the CABx guide to ending a relationship. Make sure you look for info for where you are in the UK as this is for England and laws vary.

Do not tell him you want to leave and start gathering documentation. You will need wage slips, mortgage details, pension details, investments and try to get a valuation of the house which you can get from various internet sites such as Zoopla.

The Family Law Panel have solicitors who are trained in domestic abuse which I advise you get. Some do a low fee if you are earning under a certain amount but you can also pay for solicitors in installments. Do a search and make up a list then call around.

Log all incidents of abuse, no matter how slight and add any evidence such as emails and text messages.

category12 · 27/04/2020 21:26

And he's extremely unlikely to "take the dc away" from you. That's not how it works. Such men always threaten this.

Original poster

Twinklestar1981 · 27/04/2020 21:27

Thank you for all your help . I nearly called the police and he took my phone off me . I told him to stop I would be due to him swearing and shouting in front of the kids , I shouldn’t have told him I was going to call them . The school are closed in the UK due to the lockdown so that’s why I am homeschooling . He hasn’t hit me so would the police help ?

OP posts:

12345kbm · 27/04/2020 21:30

Yes they would help.

Never tell an abuser you're going to call the police or leave. It escalates the abuse.

Dial 101 for advise and they will talk to you about your options.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/04/2020 21:31

Yes the police will help you even if he doesn't hit you. He knows this, that's why he took the phone off you.

Do you live close to other people? How hard would it be for you to go to them and ask them to call the police? I don't mean in the middle of an argument, but after, when things have calmed down. Can you pop out to the supermarket and ring the police from there? Is there ever a time you are away from him?

Original poster

Twinklestar1981 · 27/04/2020 21:33

Thank you for the information , I was also wondering if I could get legal advice and pay after settlement. I just can’t live with his temper anymore . We are already in separate rooms and I have all my meals with the children , he doesn’t eat with us . He knows I want to separate properly .

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/04/2020 21:33

Never tell an abuser you're going to call the police or leave. It escalates the abuse

Yes this is really important.

Try to humour him so that he lets his guard down. Easier said than done I know.

category12 · 27/04/2020 21:34

Yes, if you're frightened and he's preventing you leaving rooms etc - this is escalating. Better to call them and stay safe. Also, having a paper trail of the domestic abuse could be useful.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/04/2020 21:35

Not many solicitors will defer payment, no. That's why I suggested self representing. It's really not that hard. A good place to start is to have a look around the wikidivorce website.

12345kbm · 27/04/2020 21:38

If you can't talk on the phone you can make a report online. Find your local police station's website and report a crime.

You can also dial 999 and press 55 when prompted if you can't speak. Other ways of getting emergency help is via the SMS emergency text messaging service which you have to first register for.

You need to contact solicitors, explain the situation and ask about paying in installments.

Original poster

Twinklestar1981 · 27/04/2020 21:41

Yes I can get out for a walk or the supermarket . He definitely got more angry when I mentioned the police . He calls me mental all the time which is so hurtful . I do feel depressed but stay strong for my children . I think anyone would be depressed in this situation . I can’t even cry anymore as I am so use to the name calling . He has had major fall outs with his mum and she has also said he is verbally abusive and wants me to support her but as soon as they make up she forgets everything he has said and acts like it didn’t happen .

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/04/2020 21:43

Please try not to confide too much in his mum. She will take his side in the end.

Original poster

Twinklestar1981 · 27/04/2020 21:47

I haven’t recently but I did when they had a huge row and he intimidated her , they didn’t speak for 6 months .

OP posts:

12345kbm · 27/04/2020 21:52

I agree with the pp. Don't confide in his mum, she will always take his side.

If he frightens you again, do not tell him you are going to call the police. Just dial 999.

It's better to dial 101 tomorrow and get advice before things escalate.

Original poster

Twinklestar1981 · 27/04/2020 21:56

Thank you . I will call them next time . I do try and stay out of his way when the kids are in bed . I could cope before lockdown as he was at work for long days but now there is no escape .

OP posts:

LiteraryType · 28/04/2020 08:14

Can you ask him to move out for a bit? To give you some space.

billy1966 · 28/04/2020 08:31

OP, you poor woman.

He took your phone from you, preventing you calling the police for assistance.

They definitely will help you.
When you go to the supermarket, ask them to call the police.
Tell them he prevented you calling them.
Tell them you are afraid.
Tell them the children are afraid.
Ask them to get him out of the house.
Ask for Non-Molestation order, to keep him away from you.

You poor woman.
You can do this.
Please be frank honest and tell the police how afraid you are for your children and yourself.

Greenkit · 28/04/2020 08:43

Please call the police today, they will help you remove him from the house.

He won't need to be shouting at you or hitting you right now. You are scared of him get him removed.

Call 101 xx

Greenkit · 02/05/2020 15:38

@Twinklestar1981

I hope you are ok x

Nat6999 · 02/05/2020 18:32

Start your detective work now, get copies of pay slips, bank statements, birth & marriage certificates, make sure you have yours & your children's passports, get a cheap mobile phone on pays you go in case he snatches your phone, a set of car keys, have you got a friend who could look after a bag of clothes for you all just in case? Every time you go shopping, get cashback, open a bank account in your sole name & swuirrel away as much as you can. Keep an eye on your joint account for him emptying it.

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