If you have a chronic condition - does your partner help?

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I’ve been married for 16 years and with dh for 19 years - since I was 18.
I’ve had a chronic condition since my teens that requires vigilance 24/7.
Despite my best efforts it’s regularly not brilliantly controlled and often makes me feel ill. I have many nights where I’m up 2/3 times a night, particularly at certain points of the month where hormones affect me hugely.
Dh has never made any allowance for this, he’s never given me a lie in at the weekends (when he’s often in bed til noon) or taken the children or anything.
Is this just the norm? It feels a bit shit but I suppose it’s boring and mundane and never ending so I just have to get on with it.

I have an autoimmune disease and a connective tissue disorder, as well as migraines. DH is brilliant and will take over everything if I've got a migraine or I'm in a lot of pain (we have a toddler). I wouldn't say he's brilliant on verbal sympathy but his actions help loads.

DH has said before he finds it hard being married and co-parent with someone who is ill and will always be ill, because it's very rare anyone offers him any help. So if I'm in a bad spell he has to work in a demanding job, look after a toddler and run the house but family and friends tend to focus on me and if they can help me whereas helping him out with a cooked meal or taking DS for an hour would help. Could your DH be feeling overwhelmed?

It’s not normal for a caring partner. Normal for a lazy one who can’t be bothered though.
I’ve got chronic migraines. Mine funnily enough are easier to manage since I split with ex h. It’s much easier to cope with life without the added resentment of having someone there who should care and make things easier for you but actually makes things harder. I bet you end up with more work with him around too. Someone else to clean up after!

I don’t think so. He’s literally never done anything so I don’t see how he could be.
I largely never even mention it, but when I’ve been up half the night or feel particularly unwell I will say something.

I think when you've been with someone for so long, they learn to block it out. When I have my bad days we end up arguing because he thinks I'm criticising him when I'm trying to explain my own feelings.
I would rather have someone who understands my emotions then someone who cooks and cleans to be honest which is what he does. I know I sound ungrateful but some days I just want someone to tell me things are going to be alright and it just ends up as an argument.

Absolutely not the norm, have you had a conversation with him about how you feel?

Not really, i don’t think it would make any difference really.
I don’t feel he understands or makes any effort to understand the effect it has on me and I know that’s not his responsibility or anything but it makes me so tired and there’s never any suggestion that he might help. If I say I’ve not slept he just says oh dear but doesn’t get up or anything in the morning to help with the children.

I can’t understand how you have not asked him for some help! Everyone is entitled to a lie in now and again.

The trouble is you have let it go on so long, he probably doesn’t see any issue.

Have you never said “I’m feeling a bit rough today so please can you deal with the kids for a couple of hours as I need to rest”?

They’re his kids too!

My other half has fibro and arthritis. I have had to accept that pretty much all the "adult responsibilities" in our household are on my shoulders. I just get on with it, I don't complain often but I do resent it. I feel for your husband, but he is being an arse and it isn't ok.

I've had a huge flare which pretty much knocked me to pieces for three months.

In that time, DP took over shopping, cooking, washing, cleaning, animal care, everything. And he got up every morning to make me a coffee, bring me painkillers, help me get dressed, wash my hair and apply topical ointments for the skin side of the problem.

He still does most things now, as I had a less severe relapse a couple of years later following a period of seriously overdoing it.

I have a connective tissue disorder, migraines, and spinal injury. DH takes on a lot of the household stuff, school runs, weekend care, some of the cooking, some of the laundry. I work in the week and tend to crash at the weekend, so unfortunately he fairly frequently has to look after the children, alone, for at least part of the weekend. He doesn't complain. He just gets on with it. He's amazing.

@Bubbleguns I feel very sad for my DH as I know he finds the relentless pressure of all the responsibility very hard. He's brilliant, but he says that no-one acknowledges that it's tough for him too. I hate being a burden on him.

My chronic illness is t1 diabetes but i have patches where it’s harder to manage than others.
Dh has never really taken any interest. I don’t expect him to do everything by a long stretch but I feel very very alone with it. T1 has a huge impact in basically every area of my life but to look at me you’d think I was perfectly healthy. None of my Friends know the frantic paddling that goes on beneath the surface as I appreciate it’s boring. However it’s also relentless and a wrong decision can be fatal. I just wish dh was a bit more bothered.

he’s never given me a lie in at the weekends (when he’s often in bed til noon) or taken the children or anything.

You could ignore the fact that you have a chronic condition, and this still wouldn't be an acceptable arrangement.

Regardless of whether you/he work during the week, all housework and childcare should be shared at weekends (IMO). You should be getting half the weekend lie-ins, and he should be taking the children half the time. Why have you put up with less for 16 years?!

After that, you can discuss that you have a chronic condition and might need some additional support from him.

I have type one diabetes as well, he doesn’t do anything about it as he can’t, and frankly I wouldn’t trust anyone else to work out carb content etc of food. Not that he can cook!

The not getting out of bed etc is a separate issue that needs sorting.