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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Arguements

8 replies

Ilovetheseventies · 27/04/2020 19:19

I am going to write about this before it actually happens. My DP and I do not argue much I would say every 3 months or so. Its always me who has an issue. I don't like arguing and it's generally around when we see each other. At the moment that's not possible and the space is making me reflect.
The last arguement was about coming over late to see me I said 9 o'clock at night was too late and as we only see each other once during the week (and weekends) I felt 9 was too late to do anything such as the cinema etc.
When an arguement starts he then brings in any grievances related to me which are not a counterbalance to my point of view. Something about my ex DH for example. I'll ask why they it wasn't mentioned at the time rather than keeping these things to himself.
He often ends up walking out and I'm not being abusive or unreasonable there's no swearing or name calling. Then I don't hear from him. It's me that phones him.
I maybe wrong but I think maybe one person in the relationship is more of a gate keeper. He's so nice in many ways but when we fall out it's terrible, I feel awful. I've said you can't expect no conflict ever but then I feel like I'm the villain.
Do you think men are less likely to raise concerns? What is the best approach. I just don't think you can have a relationship where its perfect and not a cross word is said ever. He seems to operate that way.

OP posts:
conduitoffortune · 27/04/2020 19:21

He's training you to comply with him.

Ilovetheseventies · 27/04/2020 19:23

God this isn't written v well.

OP posts:
merryhouse · 27/04/2020 19:35

Some people think it's imperative (for their self-esteem, or for the way you see them, or something) to win an argument. To them it's not about discussing the disagreement and resolving a situation, it's about who wins. So if they realise they're not getting anywhere with the original disagreement (you refuse to start an evening at 9pm and he knows he can't make you) they bring in something entirely unrelated that they think they have a chance at winning. Even if they don't actually care about this new thing. It puts you on the defensive and wins the argument.

If he's found something that upsets you (not clear whether that's the case) then he's moved to the nasty stage of this mindset and should be dumped immediately. If it's simply bewildering and irritating then you need to work out whether you can live with this, because he won't simply change his attitude to Arguing without some serious work, not by you.

happinessinayellowbottle · 27/04/2020 19:42

He’s being nasty

Ilovetheseventies · 27/04/2020 19:43

Yes if it happens again I will not be the first to reach out as its always been me. It sounds stubborn but Ive said if you have a arguement 24 hrs is enough time to cool down longer than that is not good. Unless of course its something v serious that you have to make a decision about. Still by the time we get to meet etc any fall outs will be in the distant future.

OP posts:
Ilovetheseventies · 27/04/2020 19:56

He is a v nice person I know I sound like I'm back tracking but he is v kind supportive and is perfect BUT when we fall out its like I'm looking at another person. It's v child like to walk out not make contact. I'm definetly changing my approach.

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 27/04/2020 21:35

PP is right- in a way it's an attempt to control you and have him decide everything that happens. If whenever you ask, perfectly reasonably, for something to be different by a couple of hours or whatever, you're faced with a barrage of irrelevant attacks, character assassinations, grievances etc then it might make you not bring up anything you'd prefer was a bit different, so absolutely every detail goes as he wants it. The same with the kicking off/walking out etc. Make you feel bad enough if you ask for anything you want a little different, and of course then he can be nice as pie the rest of the time- everything's going as he wants it, and his niceness when that's the case also reinforces it.

I wouldn't bother with this guy- he gets aggro if you even say some detail isn't ideal.

If for some reason you want to carry on with him (not advisable) you could try something like the 'broken record' approach. If he tries to kick off about something irrelevant, you could say 'I understand you found that hard. I don't enjoy it so much when we meet at nine as I'd like to see you a little longer/when I'm more awake. So I'd appreciate it if you came at around X pm.'

Just keep bring the subject back to whatever the discussion was supposed to be about.

But I on't think this aggro man is worth it.

Techway · 27/04/2020 21:55

Is he only a nice person when things go his way? It is good to test as to how someone reacts when you say No. Why can't he accept your needs? His approach is not healthy and silent treatment is seen as abuse.

Emotional immaturity isn't something that an adult grows out of and generally gets worse once you are commited such as mortgage, marriage or children.

It is a manor redf flag that you are punished for asserting your reasonable needs by silent treatment. I wish I had known this years ago as it would have saved me much heartache.

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