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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bereavement first now divorce?

24 replies

Onemansoapopera · 27/04/2020 18:53

Been with DH almost 6 years. Happy and settled. However in times of disagreement or upset his two modes are either shouting or to avoid shouting I guess, stonewalling me.

Anyway. I lost my dad a week ago to Corona. My dd is 18 this Friday. My dh had started he wanted to buy dd something sentimental for her birthday and had picked out a small diamond on a necklace. Something that I would appreciate but which I knew dd would not find to her taste, so I advised him not to buy it. He ordered it anyway. This morning I told him that I had ordered dd a bracelet from my dad with some money he had left for her present. He got in a mood and said that would definitely take the shine off his present to dd. He then went out for 2 hours with the dog. I hoped that he would come back not in a mood or at least with a lid on it seeing as I'm literally dealing with my dad's death and funeral arrangements. I asked him how he was etc and he said he was choosing not to communicate with me as I'd ordered the bracelet. I said presents aren't a competitive sport and that comparing his gift to one off dd deceased grandad was ridiculous for him to get upset about. He then called me a self centred cunt which made me see red and I asked him to leave and in the heart of emotions said I would never forgive him. I can understand why he'd feel his nose pushed out a bit by someone buying jewellery also but it's a momento for dd from my dead father! Who has literally just passed away, a week before her birthday, I have no idea why this makes me self centred and I was not meaning to step on his toes but he can't separate the two. Was it wrong of me to buy the momento is my first question and secondly how would you feel being called a self centred cunt because of it? I'm devastated and also angry. I don't want to separate but I also can't cope with either being shouted at or ignored when he's cross with me and certainly not right now whilst mourning. Opinions please

OP posts:

Original poster

Onemansoapopera · 27/04/2020 18:54

I should add I think he wants to get b her something meaningful because her dad add just deposited £500 into her bank account to buy clothes and dh fell that was a bit heartless and disconnected (true)

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 27/04/2020 19:04

£500 to buy something of my choosing or a necklace that isn’t to my taste and is part of some competitive bullshit, 🤔 that’s a difficult one. I’d take cold hard cash over a gift that says more about the giver than the recipient.

Your H is a child and I could not be bothered trying to appease such a selfish idiot.

Original poster

Onemansoapopera · 27/04/2020 19:09

The hard part he has been fantastically supportive of us both when dad was poorly as passed away. Only last week I was thanking my lucky stars for having him

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 27/04/2020 19:19

Talk to him this is an incredibly difficult time for you but for him as well. If this is out of character it sounds like stress. He tried to do something for your DD that was nice

BunnytheHoneyBee · 27/04/2020 19:23

I’m sorry for your loss OP

It read a bit strange to me that you told your DH that DD wouldn’t appreciate a diamond necklace but then you ordered her jewellery. Why not suggest a bracelet instead of the necklace or at least mention they you were thinking of buying jewellery when you knew your husband wants to buy a nice gift for your DD

His reaction was unreasonable but your behaviour sounds a bit odd too

Lougle · 27/04/2020 19:27

It's a hard time for you all. I wouldn't have advised my DH not to buy the necklace, then bought something that is similar that I knew my DD would like. I do think that's the reason he's upset.

Original poster

Onemansoapopera · 27/04/2020 19:34

I can understand that and I can see his point of view however given the circumstances I'm buying a bracelet for her from my dad as a momento I just didn't think he'd take offence himself. She's facing her 18th in lockdown with her only grandparent dying a week before and I just wanted her to have something special to signify the day as if my dad was there for it. I didn't get chance to explain that to dh because he went straight in a mood . I was hoping when he got back he would have worked through it and could see it wasn't meant to undermine him as it's just not comparable - her stepdad and her grandad are two completely different people? He asked before he bought it if I thought she would like it and I honestly answered no and have him alternatives but he ordered it anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

Onemansoapopera · 27/04/2020 19:36

The necklace he'd bought was lovely, a little diamond but the present from dad is a Tiffany bracelet because they loved watching breakfast at Tiffany's together when she was little. That was the reasoning behind it.

OP posts:

BunnytheHoneyBee · 27/04/2020 19:37

Oh so it is your DD’s stepdad. Tbh that might make it worse. He was doing something nice for your daughter.

When he suggested the necklace, what did you say? Just “no she won’t like it” and then went to order her some jewellery from your dad without telling him? I can completely understand why you wanted to get her something from him but you didn’t communicate this very well. I think you should talk to him, apologise and explainz

PussInBin20 · 27/04/2020 19:39

So she’s not his daughter but he chooses a gift without consulting/agreeing with you? Is it not a joint present from both of you? If it is, then you should both agree what to get her. I don’t understand why he would just get her something, especially as you told him you feel it’s not to her taste.

I guess the bracelet would take the shine off “his” gift but I would think that the bracelet was more appropriate as a keepsake in the circumstances.

I guess he thinks you have done it out of spite? (Why would you do that though?).

I think he has totally overreacted and is out of order for calling you that. It seems he just wants to have all the praise from your daughter about the gift rather than thinking what is actually best for her.

My DH trusts (& wants me) to buy all the gifts for both our families. He couldn’t be bothered in the slightest but that is a whole different thread!

strawberry2017 · 27/04/2020 19:41

I don't think you did anything wrong.
You thought of something you knew she would love and remember her DGF when she looked at it.
You tried to advise DH towards something you know she would like and he didn't want to listen just because it's both jewellery doesn't mean anything. There's a difference between something that's her taste and something that's his taste.
He needs to be more considerate that you have a lot going on, you have barely had chance to process your fathers passing and the last thing you need is him behaving like a child.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

BunnytheHoneyBee · 27/04/2020 19:41

So she’s not his daughter but he chooses a gift without consulting/agreeing with you?

So now step dad is wrong for buying his step daughter a gift? I’ve heard it all now.

Dyrne · 27/04/2020 19:42

I do think it’s odd that you specifically ordered Jewellery after you slated his choice - it does look like one-upsmanship.

Having said that, his reaction was completely out of order.

BunnytheHoneyBee · 27/04/2020 19:43

You tried to advise DH towards something you know she would like and he didn't want to listen

Sorry I missed this. I thought OP just said no she won’t like the necklace but didn’t suggest an alternative or mention that she was going to buy something from DGF.

Look OP just talk to your husband. If he’s a decent guy he’ll understand and cut you some slack given you’re grieving.

Original poster

Onemansoapopera · 27/04/2020 19:47

Yes so basically we usually buy presents separate not for any reason just traditional I think from when we were dating and DD liked getting an 'extra' present from him and it just carried on. When he asked what I thought he should get her I showed him a Vivienne Westwood necklace she'd seen which was around £60 but he said he wanted to get her something better and said he'd seen this diamond one. I said that if I was honest i didn't think she'd truly appreciate the style of it until she was older but he got it anyway and spent £200. When it arrived he said he wasn't keen and would probably return it and I then suggested him getting her a Tiffany item for around £160 but he said no. In the meantime DD had asked if she could have a £22 bracelet from her grandad when Warren James opened again and I'd said yes but then thought I would get her the Tiffany from her grandad instead.

OP posts:

PussInBin20 · 27/04/2020 19:47

Bunny - surely it would be a joint present, that is my point. I would assume they don’t buy separate presents for the DD’s 18th.

Original poster

Onemansoapopera · 27/04/2020 19:48

I don't want to split with him but calling me a self centred cunt now of all times has cut me deep

OP posts:

PussInBin20 · 27/04/2020 19:50

Oh you do buy separate presents! Sorry, just saw that. In that case I would just let her have both pieces of jewellery.

Meltedwellie · 27/04/2020 19:52

Regardless of the rights or wrongs of the situation he was completely out of order to call you a self centered cunt. Disgusting way to speak to you. I wouldn’t forgive him either

Original poster

Onemansoapopera · 27/04/2020 19:52

Yes puss , that's why I don't really get why he's annoyed at my getting something separate of her grandad. I understand he's trying to do a nice sentimental thing but im going to be really honest and say under the circumferences the sentimentality of a keepsake from my dad should be something he understands is not personally aimed at one upping his present? Had my dad been alive would he feel the same?!

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Original poster

Onemansoapopera · 27/04/2020 19:53

Apologies for typos my fingers are working faster than my brain

OP posts:

Ragwort · 27/04/2020 19:55

If someone called me a c* I would not stay with them.

Would you want your DD to have a relationship with someone who spoke to her like that?

Original poster

Onemansoapopera · 27/04/2020 19:57

No and if ever DD has a fall out with a boy she's dating etc and they say something derogatory to her dh is always first to say how out of order the lad is.

OP posts:

Original poster

Onemansoapopera · 27/04/2020 19:59

ragwort that's exactly why I flipped and told him to leave. I didn't think him being upset warranted me being called that, particularly when I was doing a kindness for dd, I cannot process how that makes me self centred I really can't honestly

OP posts:

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