Is it abuse?

[Ruacai89]

Hi I'm having a hard time figuring out if it is abuse or not. I feel it is. I have an older cousin who has downsyndrome, he's at least 10 years older than me. I would occasionally stay with my aunt and uncle (his parents) and when I would go upstairs to play he would make me touch his penis and put it in my mouth. I can sometimes smell a smell that reminds me of it and it turns my stomach. He would touch me too. His parents caught him a few times and it was just brushed under the carpet. A few years ago my mum told me my uncle (my cousins dad) abused her when she was young too. Nobody listened to her so it was also brushed under the carpet. Is it abuse? Does it count even though he has downsyndrome? I would just like some answers to make it easier to understand. Thank you x

Yes that is definitely abuse OP.

Well the point of abuse is that someone in a position of power over you is deliberately misusing that power to harm you.

So it's debatable whether or not it's abuse, as we don't know what level of understanding he had, and if it was deliberate.

But it's still wrong, and needs addressing to protect others from his behaviour.

And maybe it would help you come to terms with it either way if you knew whether he was criminally responsible or not.

Yes it's abuse, but he may not be considered responsible for it. I would imagine you would be needing to report his parents as much as him, and it may well be only them considered responsible for their actions- and his.

Yes it is abuse, and yes it still counts even if he wasn't aware what he was doing was wrong. People with downs syndrome have different levels of understanding, but that doesn't mean it doesn't count.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. It's still abuse, whether he has capacity or not. I recommend you contact NAPAC as they may be able to direct you to resources in your local area. There are some charities who offer free or low cost counselling and in my own experience waiting lists are shorter than the NHS.

Your mum has been conditioned by her own experience not to go to the police- I would urge you to break the cycle if you can and talk to someone

It's abuse. As people with Down's get older, like anyone else, they have sexual urges, and they need to be taught what the best way is to express them. Your cousin may not have the full understanding to realise how much wrong he was doing, but I suspect he has. He identified you as vulnerable and manipulated you into doing what he wanted in secret. A less able person would have suggested this in the hearing of others because they wouldn't have seen any problem with it.

The fault lies with his parents or carers for not making it very clear to him what he can and can't do. It worries me that he pushed you into oral sex, and that suggests someone has been giving him fairly detailed information, not about relationships, but about sexual acts. It's possible he's been given access to porn.

He may not be fully responsible, but he is dangerous. I would report his behaviour because he will do it, or may already be doing it, to someone else. he will also get into serious trouble if he isn't taught very clearly not to do this.

If he doesn't have the understanding to control his sexual urges, then he needs to be in some kind of accommodation where his behaviour can be monitored.

If you call the duty adult social work team and explain your concerns they will take it from there. I can't see why they would need to mention your name to anyone. It would seriously effect how many people reported if the social workers told who it was reporting. Best of luck

Report it to the police. Whether or not he understood the seriousness of what he did, the authorities need to be sure he is not at risk of reoffending.

This thread should have a trigger warning

I think the title says it all really, no need to open it if you would be triggered.

OP of course it's abuse, regardless of he has the caiacity to understand its wrong or not, the consequences are still the same. You were abused.

You were abused.

He was older than you, and got you to do things you were not old enough to understand or consent to.

It is entirely irrelevant that he did not understand it was wrong, abusive, whatever, its also entirely irrelevant why he did it.. ie, whether he did it to control and frighten you, or because it simply felt nice to him... doesn't matter, you were still abused.

When it comes to responsiblity, blame, legal action however.. because he doesn't have (or we assume he doesn't) the capacity to understand his actions were wrong... that responsibility is down to his guardians, THEY should have prevented it happening and THEY should have taken action... they therefore are liable, the blame lies with them and legal action should be taken against them.

Hi Ruacai89,

We're sorry that you've been through such a traumatic time.

We can see that you're getting some good advice and support here but we just wanted to post a couple of links to organisations which can also give you some help in real life.

Here's a link to the NSPCC's page on Non-recent abuse - it provides info and advice for anyone who may have been abused in childhood and is struggling with difficult feelings and unwanted memories.

Here too is a link to and organisation called Victim Support - How we can help - they provide free and confidential support 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year for people affected by crime and traumatic events – regardless of whether you have reported the crime to the police.

We're going to move your thread over to our Relationships topic now as we think it's a better place for it than AIBU.

Take care.

Thank you all for your advice. I just struggle to realise how bad it is although I always have this sick, sad and scared feeling about it because i know it wasn't right! I think it's because I've never really spoke about it. Everyone in my family still talks about him and it turns my stomach. Just wish I could tell all my family x