Has FWB with an ex ever turned into more

[pineappleonpizzaornot]

I (f 41), split with my partner (m 34), in January. I was, and still am devastated. We were together for 4 years, lived together for 3. I moved jobs and counties to be with him. The first 3 years were utter bliss, we were both so happy, and said we had never experienced such happiness with anyone! Then as life does, it got in the way, and our extreme lack of communication lead to breakdown of the relationship. we were both devastated, but agreed it was for the best.
After going nc for a few weeks, we got back in touch with each other, and slept together, but he decided he cant commit, as he is afraid of letting me down, we have done this cycle three times now. NC, then one of us reaches out and we sleep together. He as told me he would like to have FWB relationship with me, he said he would not be sleeping or looking to sleep with anyone else, but can not commit to anything else as he scared of letting me down and it not working out again. I know at my age this sounds absolutely awful, but we cant seem to let go of each other. The sex has always been amazing, and is probably better now than ever. I have told him I need to think what to do regarding the FWB as I dont want further heartbreak, however I am not looking for another relationship, and Im certainly missing any intimacy at the minute. Can you really go from such an invested LTR to FWB? Should I take him up on this offer or tell him to do one. so confused, but I just feel like we are both hiding behind boundaries. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Death by a thousand paper cuts.

Do you have children? Do you want children?

Imagine the pain you'll feel when he says he can't do it anymore, as he's serious about the new 28/30 year old woman he's fallen in love with and he wants everything he didn't want with you with her?

We have children seperatly. His ex played a big part in our split, she made his and
in the end mine lives a nightmare! I'm quite a deal with it head-on approach, he is more laid back...this caused problems! There really is no other person involved on either side, he wouldn't do that and neither would I, that has been discussed at length! Neither of us have ever done fwb...especially with an ex! Thank you for your response.

No, obviously there's no one else right now as he'd be pursuing her. But while you'll be shagging him and remain engaged, he might happily stumble upon someone else.

That's a possibility, and also a possibility for for me too. And I would be heartbroken all over again. Think I'll tell him to stick it 😂

Exes can be FWB if BOTH of them want to be friends with benefits, for example if they split amicably but still get on and are happy with a casual hook up.

It can't work if either of them wants more so the fact you're even asking if FWB can lead to something more means there's no way this will work and if you try it you will end up hurt over and over again.

Thank you, I've told him it's a no go. And I'm not going to end up feeling like a dirty secret....when there are plenty of nice men out there (somewhere!?) And keep my dignity

Ok think of it this way
The sex is only so good because communication is so bad, it’s basically the only way you both can feel good about yourselves. You are having good sex because it’s full of all the emotions he doesn’t want to deal with. So you are channelling all your energy into the sex in the hope he will see some magical light and come back to you to tell you that he loves you and wants it to work

But he’s telling you over and over it’s not what he wants with you and he’s just offering you like a mouldy crust of bread

His offer is basically that you can have great sex with him all on his terms to make him feel better about his inability to commit to you, whilst you are left tormented with hope that he will change his mind

Thank you. And you are right, his communication skills are absolutely dire...and probably do come out in the bedroom. I have told him I am not willing to do this agreement, and I'm worth more than a dirty secret! He said that's not how it will be....it will!! I have wished him well and walked away with my head held high! I have a life to get on with (after lock down!). He's really not a looker, crap at communicating, lazy and selfish...don't know what I see in him to be honest 🤷I need to remember the bad times and get on with myself! I think he squeezed every bit of confidence out of me, I need to find it again and embrace being super and single ♥️

Haha I do like how you ended your post with all his bad points... hold onto them! You will need them (is this my ex too?!!)

One day some other lucky woman is going to find herself lumbered with him, whilst you are off living a great life

Oh he has plenty of them! And even though I'm a few years older...he looks older than me 😂 don't think lock down helps with feelings! And I'm living in the town where I moved to to be with him, I don't know anyone, and in a shared house 😭 but I'll have enough money saved up by July to have somewhere of my own!
I do ok for a couple of weeks, go no contact, then he reaches out (last time it was on my work email), I get the "I miss you", "I have feelings for you", and I cave! Thinking it's all gonna be fine and we will try again...silly woman!

Oh, and he shaved his pubes and leaves them in the floor 🤮

Shaves!!! Multiple times he did that! 😂

Oh gross!
Mine didn’t really believe in brushing his teeth that often and came to our first date extremely hungover and stinking of booze

Ewww! They are disgusting aren't they! Mine thought EVERY fart he did was highly amusing (the only time he laughed I think!)
Pleased I started this thread! I've had a rough time lately and it's definitely helped to put into words! I've also signed up to tinder....think that has made me feel worse 😂

You know what mine wasn’t even that good at sex
I am the one who was good 😂

Haha....mine was crap when we first got together! I taught him all he knows 😂 I even asked him about the FWB situation, how would he feel if I started sleeping with someone else (i wouldn't, I'm just not wired that way) he said, "well, if you are I'd rather not know, but if you are and still coming to me then I'm winning!!" Wtf....nah mate, you'd be getting sloppy seconds! Maybe he doesn't actually value himself very highly!

This guy is clowning you. He's telling you he doesn't see you as partner material but for the occasional shag then yeah. What's in it for you apart from sex?

Me & DP started off as casual/FWB then after a few months found we did actually want a relationship. But we weren't ex partners - I think it's entirely different when it's an Ex.

This man's demoted you from girlfriend to booty call and you'll be a placeholder till he meets someone he wants a relationship with.

Tell him to do one. Go have some fun find a FWB or relationship, whatever - On your terms

Oh Tinder is ok...

Thank you. I have told him no way will I be demoted, and he can go find someone else for a shag if that's all he wants...he says he won't and he could only do it with me...he's dangling a carrot I know. I feel better now I have told him where to go though, I am worth more. I just don't find anyone on OLD attractive 🤷 im obviously just not ready for anything, and need to start loving myself again, which is scary but I'm going to embrace it with all I have! And yes I agree being a FWB with an ex is completely different to starting out as just FWB that becomes more, the history will definitely follow into the bedroom!