Guilt , possible cheat

[GemmaS1303]

I’m going to keep this short.
Me and my partner are expecting out first.
We’ve been together five years and in those first 3/4 I was uncontrollable. I used to drink myself to blackout and oblivion.
Basically I have messed up by almost cheating and I told my partner and he wants to move on and focus on future. In that, I told him I’m scared I may have done other things whilst being blackout drunk. I just can’t remember. It’s like I’ve make scenarios up in my head of things that could have happened. I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t anymore. But part of me has a really bad feeling that something did happen one night. I need to get over this guilt. I know he has said let’s move on but it continues to destroy me. I feel ashamed of my past and ashamed of what I could have done to hurt him. I can’t just turn to him and say I think I might have slept with someone else but don’t remember cause my minds playing tricks. But I’ve basically told him I don’t know what I’m capable of 🙁 what would others do?

Are you having counselling?
Are you attending AA meetings?
Are you now totally sober?
He wants to move on.
You need to believe him and stop sabotaging yourself.
You may have done wrong, you may not have.
You won't know.
Focus on your future with your new family.
Stop looking backwards, you aren't going that way!!!

This was me a few years ago before I had my little girl, I was exactly the same, got blackout drunk and was scared of what I had done , the only fear I ever had was what if I slept with someone? Looking back now it was probably silly I always felt like that because it wouldn't have happened, but I always feared it, if I went out drinking without my partner I always had the fear, and once we had a party at our house, all our friends were there, normally I probably wouldn't have felt it the day after but a strange guy came with one of our friends who we didn't really know and I convinced myself something must have happened! I'd question friends after nights out and if they say I went to the toilet on my own at one point I would obsess over that and convince myself I must have had sex with someone! It sounds crazy but i used to obsess over it for ages after and make false scenarios up in my head. It's an awful feeling. The only thing you can do is concentrate on now and try telling yourself it's your mind tormenting you, try rationalise the times you think something could have happened- could it really? How realistic is that thought? - what are your reasons in thinking something happened if you don't mind me asking? X

Thanks for your reply.
I had counselling over the years yes to try and help but it hasn’t because I always felt guilt. Now I’ve told him, the guilt is enhanced.
I don’t drink myself into that state anymore. I don’t drink at all at the moment because I’m expecting but before the pregnancy I haven’t gotten myself into that state since the last mistake, around a year ago. My partner recognised that I’ve changed since then. It’s so easy to tell myself stop looking back but the guilt of not knowing what I might have done is haunting me.

@doodles17 thanks. It’s good to know I’m not the only one to have been here. My thoughts were that I walked home one night with a stranger and I blacked out. There is wooded areas where I live and I know we’d have walked that way. I have random thoughts of sex in my head from time to time but then other times I have no memory. It may have happened. It may be my mind playing tricks. If you put that guy in front of me- I would not recognise him! I put myself in that position though, to allow something to happen.

When you woke up the next day were there any signs that something could have happened? This is what I would do - check your clothes- was there mud etc all over them- surely if something would have happened in the wooded area or anywhere there would have been dirt on your clothes - did you have your bag and belongings with you? Surely if something happened and you were that blacked out you'd have dropped or left them not still be in tact with everything - also you made it home so the likely story is that this person just helped you home - if they did something to you I doubt they would have helped you dress and get you home. Xx

@doodles17 I had everything on me. I was still very very drunk but I didn’t notice anything in particular on my clothes etc. I was fully dressed etc when I woke up. It’s horrible to think what could have happened. I hope they did just help me home but I will never know and that’s what makes me feel guilty - the not knowing. I know what states I got myself into and I would be capable of anything cause that person I changed into was a horror.

There was one night I ended up in hospital , I was found by two guys on the street in the rain , I was in a doorway and think I just sat down and passed out, they called an ambulance . Lucky for me! I woke in hospital still very much drunk , with my partner( now husband) at the side of the bed. I'm so ashamed even to this day! I was found fully clothed and with everything on me and my bag still on,tights the lot, I still think il never know what happened to me that night, and it ate away at me for a long time. There's nothing I can do about it now and I don't feel sick when I think back about it anymore. Obviously I'm not proud of it! But just saying it doesn't bother me anymore and I don't think of it, so hoping you can be the same and get past this too in time, being pregnant and full of hormones and emotions will be heightening it all and like you said being in lockdown with all this time to ruminate won't help! Try keep yourself busy and try think how unlikely it is that happened as it's probably just your mind , i remember googling a lot of things about false memories and pure o ocd - try reading up on them - they will ring true! Xx

It's possible it happened, it's also possible you are experiencing 'intrusive thoughts' (you can look this up) which are not uncommon in the general population and especially after difficult times. I've had them in past and I stopped experiencing them fairly quickly when I started attaching no significance to them.

Your partner is obviously keen to move on, and I think what's key is trying to ensure you're not in this situation again by regulating your drinking or stopping altogether.