Overwhelmed by my EA...please help

[SBLL]

Name changed for this and also prepared to get an absolute flaming.

I'm stuck in an unhappy 8 year relationship with a 3 year old DD. I cry almost every day from us arguing and we have had filthy rows during lockdown, our families hate each other and we have been in separate beds for about 5 months. I am financially dependant on him.

About 5 weeks ago I met a man online. He is married with 2 children. We have the same hobbies, work in the same job field and have the same kind of personality. We've joked that we are male and female clones of each other.

Its the most bizarre emotional feeling but from the word go we've had an amazing connection and we've shared everything about our lives, relationships, sexual fantasties, you name it. We chat everyday (sometimes until the early hours) and have skyped a few times. He's said I am his best friend and last week told me he loved me, to which I reciprocated. He's even talked about leaving his wife but said he wouldn't until his children were older. He wants to meet up after lockdown. We live 80 miles apart so we aren't on each other's doortsteps or anything.

Basically I'm asking for people to talk some sense into me...do affairs ruin lives? I genuinely haven't felt like this about anyone before and he said he feels the same, he told me I am his soulmate. Is this real or all in my head? I feel terrible for his wife and children...but I'm so attached to him already. If anyone has any positive stories to share I'd also like to hear them.

Thanks for reading. Prepared for huge flaming.

He's even talked about leaving his wife but said he wouldn't until his children were older

You do know that day will never come right?
Can't leave because the children have just started school
Can't leave because the children are having problems at school
Can't leave because the children are starting secondary school
Can't leave because it'll disrupt the children's lives during this important stage of their education.
Can't leave because it won't be fair to put this on them just as they start uni.

He won't leave because he doesn't want to.

Aerial, surely someone wouldn't be so cruel to say you were their best friend and they loved you if it was all total bollocks?

Of course they do.

He may even be doing it as escapism, total fantasy without any intention of following through.

If you were both single and had known each other for five weeks then talking until the small hours every day, saying your best friends and declaring yourselves in love would be far too much, way too soon, unrealistic and unsustainable.

Let alone the fact you're both married with kids.

You don't know this man. You're strangers. You're giving yourselves the 'best of' each other. Like watching a highlights episode of a long drawn out series. We are all a sum of all our parts, that's why sometimes couples are happy until they move in together and realise they are incompatible. Or they become incompatible over time.

You don't know each other, not really.

In February you didn't know this man existed. And you're risking your marriage for him? Assuming your other half were to find out. Would it be worth it? Of course not.

Sorry op but the reason this is so exciting and lovely is that it's complete bollocks! I've had an online relationship (I was single as was he), and it's amazing how much we had in common, I could have written your op almost word for word.

I met him a couple of times and once reality hit home I realised I'd been an idiot to get so emotionally involved with someone I'd never met before. He wasn't a Greek god but a regular normal bloke who actually wasn't that interesting

Sort your finances out, find out what benefits you can get, speak to council re housing etc, get in a position to be able to leave your dh and then leave. Don't leave for this man, it'll end in tears

This kind of thing is so dangerous. The intoxication. It makes you do stupid things.

5 weeks ? FFS

I’m speaking from experience - affairs, emotional affairs ruin lives. Similar situation to yours and it almost cost me my sanity and my family.

I’m still struggling to make sense of what happened to me and I’ve been no contact for four months.
Men, particularly those with narcissist personality types will say these things to get you hooked, they thrive off the attention, even negative attention. He probably sees you as a safe bet because you’re not on his doorstep.
Please stop now before things get out of hand, these situations are extremely addictive.
I don’t mean to sound blunt but please stay away from him.

I am not judging you for the situation, and I wouldn't judge you for leaving your husband because you had fallen for someone new. I'm also not so cynical as to think he couldn't be sincere purely because he's married - you are proof that that is possible. But a man that says he won't leave his wife for years is definitely insincere, sorry. Not to mention, even if he was serious about you, hugely unfair to both his wife and you to drag it on for years. You need to have the self respect to tell him you will not be with him while he is still married, and you also need to leave your husband if you are as unhappy as you say and already looking elsewhere.

Yes I'm another person who will not flame you .
But I will say this - Your post tells us you are in an unhappy relationship, and probably also have low self-esteem because of this . You want to be loved , to be told you are loved. You say you are soulmates, I'm sorry to say, you are in love with the thought of love .You need to block this man , he has his own issues or he wouldn't be doing this .
Yes your marriage is probably over , not because of this but because you are him are not right for each other.
Make plans to eventually start a new life for you and your dc . Find yourself in you , not the thought of a man to rescue you - you have to be the person who does that.

Why 80 miles away? Did he contact/approach you first or vice versa? He's a married man on a dating site.... Abort. Abort!

If you are for real OP you need to get a grip. Look in the mirror. Is this really who and what you are. Block him and work on yourself.

I suspect you are having a laugh on here and this is a wind up but in that case the mirror thing applies.

He approached me first. I promise this is not a wind up, I wish it was.

80 miles is too far to have a proper relationship - you know that SBLL. It makes all this easier/possible. Don't disrespect yourself; this man is using you and probably other women. If you feel it is possible, invest this time and energy into improving your marriage or making the decision to part. This is a weird time and it messes with our heads. Give yourself a break but also a reality check and don't become the prey of yet another scamming man looking to boost his own confidence/arrogance. If nothing else, think about his wife and children - do they deserve this? x

Just leave your current partner, then go looking with no guilt

The married man is not your soulmate or your hero. You haven’t even met him, he’s a stranger. The reason why it’s recommended to meet quickly on OLD is that often the ‘spark’ online doesn’t translate into real life.

You are looking for an escape from your unhappy marriage - but what you DON'T do is take down somebody else's marriage with you. Yes, if he wasn't chatting online to you it would probably be to somebody else anyway - but don't be the person who wrecks a family. It doesn't matter that you don't know his wife and kids, they are actual real people and you are intruding into their lives - the pain that will come from it will be indescribable. You don't love this man and he does not love you, you are infatuated and desperate and it's not the same thing as real love. It is a fantasy, a bubble you are living in, that's it - you don't really know him at all, you only know what he wants you to think. He clearly can't be trusted or he wouldn't be doing this behind his wife's back - he is a creep, is that really the sort of person you want to be with?

What you should actually do is end your marriage first, take some time to get used to that and to find yourself, and then meet somebody who is SINGLE. Don't ruin another woman's life because you are unhappy and needy.

Physical and emotional affairs really ruin lives. The pain caused is unbearable. You are both being very selfish. Channel the time and energy you are putting into the emotional affair to either trying to make your marriage work or plan how you can manage if you divorce your husband.