Can't see the wood for the trees

[Buxx]

I've been trying to write this for weeks and then kept deleting it as I'm not sure what I wanted to say or if it would make any sense. I would just like to get outside views and perspectives if possible as I've kept it all in for a long time.

I'm married with 2 young DC. Last year I lost my mum to cancer, it was utterly horrific as it happened so fast. I miss her everyday and even more so at the moment.

I have a good job on a really good wage and my DH is a contractor so I'm basically the main breadwinner. I made some bad investments over the years and as a result we have no savings and live in a rented accommodation. We are also carrying a lot of debt. So things are pretty tough, between missing mum and paying off the debt life is stressful and sad.

A glimmer of light has appeared on the horizon though, my dad is giving us a property to live in for free. He has said that the house will be mine eventually (this has been put into writing) and he can't really keep up the maintenance on it (it needs renovating) so wants us to have it now. It means we will be mortgage free and rent free which is amazing. I can move my job down there and we also have passive income coming in that would, after the debts have been paid off, would enable us to live without having to work. The debts will be paid of by 2023. The house is small so the kids would need to share but there is scope to extend eventually to have another bedroom. It means a move to a completely new area we have never lived in before so don't know anyone but it's by the sea and the kids will have a much better lifestyle than if we stayed here.

This all sounds great doesn't it so why am I so terrified? I think I'm scared of making a mistake and I'm overwhelmed by making decisions at the moment I just can't think straight anymore. I feel so much guilt for the bad investments and debt. My DH has been amazingly supportive especially after my mum died and I just don't want to put him through anymore. This move means he can retire and not have the stress of working anymore. I'd love to see him really happy and stress free again.

If we stay here we will have to rent which is expensive, DH will be under more pressure to find contracts which will be more and more difficult. The kids will be shut in and the environment will be much more stressful.

But I'm scare of making another mistake either by moving or not moving. Please give me your thoughts and help me see more clearly.

Why would he retire while you keep working?
Why are you to blame for the "bad investment " surely it was a joint venture/agreement.
Does he want you to be stress free.
Can you protect the house (your inheritance) from him if you split?

Just re-read your post as if a friend was writing it.
What would your advice be?
It's a complete no brainer OP.
I can understand why you are reluctant.
But it sounds like it's best decision all round.
How old are the DC?

This move means he can retire and not have the stress of working anymore. I'd love to see him really happy and stress free again

Why would he retire?

He's older than me and I like my job. I would love for him to not work as he would look after the kids and I can focus more on my job. He would still be financially contributing. Plus the renovation work would be his project to manage and he's really good at it. Not a cocklodger type situation at all! Plus I wfh so I'd love having him around more.

hellsbellsmelons thanks. It feels like it should be a no brainer and that's why I think I'm tying myself up in knots. I'm just scared and feel so beaten down by life and stress I don't trust my own judgement anymore.

Have you ever got to a point where you just feel so bogged down by life you just can't make a decision anymore. That even when something really good happens you kind of look past it to try to spot the bad thing thing coming down the track. Is this normal thinking?

Anyone?

Change is stressful but without it we'd be stuck in one season.

Change takes a tremendous amount of effort initially and is exhausting. This is why most people give up and go back to how things have been.

Making the move will probably be stressful, tiring, time consuming... you may even scream with steam coming out of your ears a few times. But once the initial shift is in motion and things are underway a natural momentum will kick in and things will start to settle.

If it's any consolation so many people are in debt nowadays, you're not alone.

Jamiladodger your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm going to screen grab it and keep it. Thank you so much

The thing is - what could go wrong with this move?

Make a pros and cons list.

Is the house in your name so the legals are all tied up?

Have you had a survey done so you know there's nothing structurally scary to bite you on the bum in the future?

Will the kids be ok with the move - leaving their friends etc?

Have you worked out how much renovation needs doing right now and have you got the money for it?

Have you costed the future renovations and will you have the money for them?

It seems like a wonderful idea and so generous of your dad - but just check out a few things so you feel more secure with the move.

I think - when I've made a few bad choices and THEN I have grief on top of those choices - it can be a struggle to get my head into gear and start believing in me again xxx

You can do it You really can

It's a leap of faith and selfishness. Both are scary.

But if your DH is agreeable go for it. New start, different life track.

What about a good old fashioned pros and cons list?

Thank you so much. You're all lovely

I think think my confidence is pretty much shot at the moment. I used to be so confident and sure of myself, I'd love to get back to that person. Grief is such is such a rollercoaster. Plus I feel a huge amount of guilt so its all mixed up.

We have done a list but I think revisiting it would be a good idea. Essentially we have costed out living in a rental nearby till we can move in and set ourselves a budget to work to each month on renovations so the time it takes will depend on how quickly we can progress. My DH will do most of the work barring any structural repairs or electrics. Its a small 2 bed so not huge but is in a great location with a good size garden and potential to extend over time. When I am feeling strong I am excited but when I'm tired or stressed I'm terrified.

This sounds strange but I really miss my mum to talk things through with and give her support. I'd give anything for her to be here right now saying 'go for it'

That sounds idyllic! Living near the sea in a house that you can make your own, your DH being around for the DCs and you WFH on a good salary - I’d give my right arm!

I know how hard it is not to have your mum around but many of us here are also mums and if you were my DD, I’d definitely encourage the move - go for it! You only live once, don’t stay stuck for fear of change.

RUSU92 Thank you that means a lot to me

This sounds strange but I really miss my mum to talk things through with and give her support. I'd give anything for her to be here right now saying 'go for it'

Not strange at all. I miss mum every day. She was my greatest fan. No one before or since loved me in the way she did. We have to try and channel that love for ourself now - give it to ourself from ourself. It's not easy but it's doable xxx