Dating after divorce

[Applekeylime]

I am recently divorced and was in an abusive marriage. I have no experience with internet dating and my friends and colleagues have suggested this is what people are doing nowadays.

I also have 2 DC both in primary school. I haven't worked out the ins and outs yet but I could arrange a sitter for my DC given reasonable notice. This has me thinking I would only be able to date others who can understand why spontaneity would be massively restricted and low in my list of priorities.

I'm not ready for a full-on relationship but I would like the fun of dating ie conversation with another adult who is not a relative or colleague. My friend has suggested Tinder and Plenty of Fish. Where do I even start?? I'm in my late 30's.
Another friend has suggested I become celibate until at least next year while I process the end of my marriage. I thought about internet chat rooms because I am just so lonely but I can't seem to find anything with actual real people like in the AOL days.

Hello Applekeylime,
Sorry to hear your marriage was abusive - and well done for getting out of it.
There is a whole dating thread on this Relationships board. You'll get good advice on the various sites and apps there. It's got Dating in the title.
Don't worry about spontaneity - while there are men who can't cope with women with commitments, they make themselves known so soon you can just ignore them and get on to the good ones.
I had a brilliant time dating for around a year. But I was pretty green when I started out - things are not like they were in the 90s and noughties. the lovely people on the Dating thread will tell you more.

Don't think about what the hypothetical "he" wants - and whether you will suit; think about what you want, and be clear about it. this may / will change, of course. i was sure I didn't want a relationship at first - until I did. Just keep asking yourself honest questions and make sure you're doing it on your terms.

I made a good long term friend through online dating and had lots of casual friendships. it might be just what you need.

if it's not working, it's not you, it;s them.

Thank you for your kind words and advice. I will pop onto the thread you’ve suggested!

Have you done anything like the Freedom Programme (www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/), before you start dating? It would be good to make sure you build yourself a good shark-cage (www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/) before you do, as when we've been in abusive relationships our boundaries get warped and we can often end up picking another wrong un.

I think both POF & Tinder are a bad idea as they have a high percentage of men who want hook ups, sexting, and Are married. There are loads of specific OLD sites - Guardian Soulmates, Country Loving - or ones with better reps. Do some research. As you are locked down, perhaps use this time to test the field. But maybe read the posts on here first, so you can spot the players. Good luck!

have you tried all the dating apps, LiteraryType?

I have heard that Guardian Soulmates is abysmal. I know lovely people who have become very disheartened by the paucity (both numbers and standard) of men on offer and had some horrible encounters through it.

I agree with the poster who suggests the Freedom Programme, or any process which raises your self esteem, resilience, and ability to set and preserve good boundaries.

In my experience, all dating sites have many terrible men, married men, players and liars. All of them. there is no "naice" brand of dating site which delivers only princes among men.

Going to one, like tinder, with a lot of traffic increases the absolute numbers of men you will encounter, so although the percentage of decent ones is always low, you're more likely to hit on one. I get a little bit cross when newbies are advised to go to things like Soulmates because the paucity of men there can damage your self esteem twice - firstly by being so few, and so lukewarm; secondly by being, on the whole, actually just as shit and sleazy as men generally are on all the sites.

If you let it, the process will damage your self esteem. Terrible men (terrible in all sorts of ways - not just sleazy, but also weak, pathetic, passive aggressive, etc) who aren't worth 5 minutes of your time will engage with you in ways that will make you think, if you weaken, "is this what I am worth?" the answer has to be a resounding NO and you have to be prepared to keep answering this question to yourself with NO. I strongly recommend the dating thread on here to help with that.

I met my boyfriend on tinder. he's lovely. Before I met him, I wasn't looking for a boyfriend and met a lot of guys for FWB type things. Once I weeded out the stupid, the dishonest, the disrespectful, etc, there were good friendly sexy honest interesting decent men on there.