No one wants a relationship with me

[Issues12]

Since the lock down I’ve really been reflecting on my singledom. I’ve never really had a happy or successful relationship .
I’d been on a few dates with an old work colleague but then he went funny on me and said he was moving back to his home county and couldn’t proceed ( a lie ).

Since lock down I’ve done some snooping on sm and I’ve seen that both the last guys I dated were in relationships. They acted strange but I took it as not interested in me much .

I’m never the number one , I’m always the side girl or in between. I’ve got such low self esteem .I feel so lonely and I’m worried after this lock down is over things won’t change .

Has anyone felt like this / experienced this ?

I've been a 'side chick' a lot but I didn't have to do that and won't again.

I think partly self-esteem comes from behaving as if we have worth. So if someone's crap then block them/tell them what you won't put up with etc etc. Don't put up with someone treating you badly- by doing that you're telling both them and yourself that you don't deserve to be treated well.

This is all it takes to have some level of self-esteem- and it's a great feeling! I haven't had much chance to put it into practice yet, but I will.

I find myself 'struck dumb' sometimes if people are disrespectful. But now there's messenger etc, if someone's acted out of line and I haven't been able to make that clear, I can always get back to them later in the day.

If someone's crap then block them/let them go- you're not actually losing anything except being mistreated.

It takes some people a while to find someone, but I'm sure you will.

Being on your own is nice anyway, no pressure etc.

I’m never the number one

Don't put up with anything less. xxx

I think I get where you're coming from, I was never seen by men as relationship material, I was someone fun to hang out with/ try to shag/ shag until someone more long term came around. Quite a few of those guys ended up married to or in LTRs shortly after me.

I did meet someone who was my ideal, bad claimed to love me. We were together for 6 years, however we've now split up and I think it unlikely we'll get back together as his recent actions showed he didn't respect me.

I doubt very much I'll meet anyone else I'm remotely as compatible with and even if I do the chances of them seeing me as relationship material is practically zero.

Thing is, I'm always told my self esteem is too high...I can see I have a lot to offer in terms of looks, personality, intelligence, finances, career and I can never get why men don't see it. But they never do. It's not even an OLD thing, it's been this way since my early 20s.

It is shit though. I know people who go from one long relationship to another. Or get divorced and within a year have met someone else and got remarried, and I just think how?

I think we’ve all been the side girl or the in-between it doesn’t mean you are unworthy just that they weren’t right for you.

Don’t beat yourself up and turn it on you - we’ve all got too much time to think in this lockdown. Think of all the amazing qualities you have to offer someone and when you meet them one day you’ll be their no1 ;)

Who men see as long term material, can have as much to do with their self esteem as yours. The self esteem thing cuts both ways.

I’ve had a few dates since my divorce 20 years ago.
Don’t degrade yourself by settling for what you don’t need, I would never have chosen this, I accept it.
Reasonably happy with cat m at nearly 58 I live in hope, who knows

My mother told me no one would ever love me; that I'm the sort of woman men settle for when they realise they can't have the sort of woman they want.

She was right. Or I believed she was right for so long that it became a self fulfilling prophecy.

It's too late for me now.

You're not alone though.

I do feel for all those (men and women) who can’t find the right person to share their lives with. I had my fair share of BFs but between 20-30 I inevitably ended up with @r$€holes who’d break my heart. The father of my kids although seemingly a nice guy, turned into a selfish, self-centred teenager once we’d bitten the bullet and had 2 kids !! He left me after a midlife crisis hit him full whack. It was only then, in my early 40s that I realised you have to be more objective in choosing a partner .... sitting down and daring to write down what you really want from that special person. Then writing down what YOU have to offer. Would you being attracted to you -physically/mentally/emotionally ??? If not, the chances are no one else will. Maybe you have ‘issues’, maybe you’re not as warm and welcoming as you’d like to think.... whatever, the objective is to be completely honest. Tweak things, evolve, learn ... be open. Anyways long story short ....I fell upon an email from the US.... some online thing to do with Arielle Ford and other ‘experts’, the bloke who wrote “men are from Mars ....” (google Arielle Ford) a lot of the recordings seemed a bit wacky to me to be fair BUT I followed it and can see now why these pieces of advice, mantras, concepts, etc work. Love isn’t that complicated. However, attracting the right person to love and who will love you is not necessarily something that should be left to chance. YOU CAN HAVE AN IMPACT on this area of your life, in much the same way you would a career or opportunity.

@DDIJ Nobody is ugly. You ex has certainly done a number on you and your children though.

I think you need to unpick your abusive past with a counsellor so you can love yourself.

I would try and turn around your thinking by reading a self help book.

I read one 10 years ago and within a year I found my DH.
Also I was given advice to write down a list of attributes you want in a partner (which I never told DH about). I was realistic about what kind of person I would be able to pull, being rather ordinary looking, with no wit and no career, but I got everything on my list and more. I think it just made me more observant of a mans character.
Also someone told me to treat finding a man like finding a job. They had gone on no less than 80 dates filling up their entire weekends until they found their guy. I decided to do the same but was lucky to end up with the first man I met from online dating.
Sorry, probably all rubbish advice but it helped me when no one seemed to want to go on more than two dates with me.

I had no interest in boys growing up I just really didnt see the appeal of being in a relationship!!! I had a boyfriend at the age of 17 and we went out for 2 years he was lovely but the minute I got into uni and my future opened up he was toast!!!
I was single and through myself into college and then work at the age of 26 I met my now husband it was like a bolt I just knew he was going to be my husband

I suppose the point of this is to say if you spend all your energy and time worrying no one likes you you will probably miss the one that does.
It's easy for me to say but life isnt just about relationships explore the world when it opened up again.
Do new things maybe your man is in Australia!!!
And most of all enjoy xxx

Well you ex is daft, and with a vocabulary like his, I bet you are glad he is an ex. Don't ever repeat a thousand times to yourself something some idiot said to you only once, it's not the truth. And please be kinder to yourself, I have no idea who you are, but I am positive you are far from ugly, no one is ever ugly OK