Is this gaslighting?

[St0rminacoffeecup]

Earlier today I spoke to DH about something. Conversation got mildly heated and he accused me of 'marching in and shouting' at him. I definitely didn't do either of those things. I'm very careful not to be confrontational because he gets an almighty mood on. He does this very often, accuses me of behaving with aggression if I disagree with, challenge or question him. Is that gaslighting?

I've been meaning to post this since this morning but something else has just happened (for the second time in the last few months) and I need a sense check. DH has a sore hand. It's swollen and sometimes looks like a golf ball under his knuckle and his fingers can't fully move. It's been weeks but he won't get it checked out (which is not unusual and probably nothing to do with CV). DD2 just pulled it back accidentally and DH let out an incredible and loud of howl of pain at DD. She burst into tears and came to find me next door. She was terrified. Similar thing happened earlier this year. Would you think that's acceptable - for a grown man to yell (in pain) in a 2 year olds face?

Yeh if you YouTube 'narcissists accuse you of...' you'll get a few useful videos come up.

And if you Google search 'lundy Bancroft 9 types of abusers'.

Thank you all so much. My eyes are opening. I keep having little wobbles thinking it's bearable but what's becoming clear is that what we have is not healthy or ok and I stand much more of a chance being happy without him. I've been googling what you've recommended and he fit the description of a vulnerable narcissist to a T. Even down to the type of upbringing. I've read that counselling might not be a good idea as the can fool the counselor. That's worrying.

What do I do next? Is there any hope for our marriage or does it just get worse from here? We've got DD4months and DD2years. He is a high earner. I am unemployed but looking to return to work. We live in his hometown, hundreds of miles from where I'm from. I don't know what to do.

The sad thing is, I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to be upset. I feel that strongly enough at the moment that it could stop me leaving him.

You don’t want him to be upset because you are still locked into emotional trauma he is causing you.

Look up covert narcissist. Debbie Mirzi is a good book to read ( available on Audible too).

Look also into the Freedom Programme - this will open your eyes further. Get your ducks in a row on practical and financial issues. Don’t tell him about your thinking.

I am six months out, OP, but it took me five years to gather the strength to go. I was you. My DCs are now 14 and 12, lasting damage has been done but thankfully I can now give them at least 50% of their time in a stable, loving, abuse-free environment. So they stand a reasonable chance of becoming well adjusted adults.

If you stay....what lies ahead for you in old age? Living your life walking on eggshells, a hollow shell? I am only just starting to recover now, but life Is immeasurably better.

Good luck.

Also look up trauma bonding with a narcissist. Melanie Tonya Evans has some good videos.

I will be looking up trauma bonding too.

I'd move home, take the kids and go.
But just keep reading up and watching YouTube videos on narcissists (I second melanie tonia evans) and hopefully there will come a day where you feel able to go 'right. I'm done' soon. Ps: never accuse him of being a narc *its rule number 1 when dealing with his kind (they will turn it round o you). Dont let him see what you are watching. And never go to counciling with an abuser. You could see one on your own but I would suggest getting out first, otherwise they'll be farting against thunder.

My children are still very young and it's having them in this environment that has made me realise how toxic it is. Your posts are terrifying me because it is too close for comfort

^ He doesn't mind upsetting you though OP, does he!

I don't think there's enough to go on, to be honest. It sounds like you definitely have communication issues. If he was going to give his version of events how would it sound?

To play Devil's Advocate could it be something like this:

I'm in a huge amount of pain right now with this thing that appears on my knuckle. I'm terrified of what it is in case it's serious and I'm too frightened to go to my GP about it. It's causing me a lot of stress and anxiety, and when my daughter knocked it accidentally the other day I howled in pain it was so sore. My partner seems to think I shouldn't have done that, but I wasn't shouting or yelling, it was an instinctive cry out that I couldn't control. My daughter was upset so she went to her mum, I understand that.

Things have been difficult for a while, I find the way my partner talks to me is combative and I can't handle it well, especially with the stress I'm feeling at the moment. She always needs to prove herself, she's even taken to writing things down and we argue over trivial details of what has come up before. I know this might stem from childhood for her as she had similar issues with her family growing up. I just can't win. She thinks I am twisting what she says but I'm genuinely not trying to do that but we certainly do have different recollections of things that have been said in the past. Things always seem to escalate, so I just walk away and don't say anything. It's the best way I know how to handle the situation but my partner thinks I am sulking and going into moods.

Now she's on this website and seems to have me labelled as an abuser and a covert narcissist. I have no idea where this has come from, I know I can go quiet, and that's not maybe the best way of coping with things, but when I try to address things I am accused of manipulating, when I'm just trying to say how I find things.

We agreed to try counselling, but now she seems to think that I will get one over the counsellor or something!! So it looks like that is not going to happen. I don't think there's anything that can be done, I've been painted into a corner, everything I say or do will be used against me and further define me as an abuser and covert narcissist. I can't cope and I just need to retreat now. I think we're at an impasse and we need to split.

Too many women experience this kind of manipulative abuse. They do it because they feel entitled to. They feel superior and its all about control.

OP you need to get out of the mindset of upsetting him if you go. He really doesn't give a shit about your feelings or being upset. Like you say its the pleaser in you. I can guarantee he will be crying, apologising, making promises etc if you go. Playing on your kindness. This proves they know what they are doing is wrong. An emotionally healthy person wouldnt beg and plead.

Is there any chance you could go to your family? Don't tell him just go and deal with the fallout from there?

@suggestions thank you for that. It's given me pause and made me think I should slow down.

Thanks everyone for your help.