What should we do about our dad?

[Jamiladodger]

My sister and I grew up in a patriarchal household in that our dad was controlling, short fused and would occasionally smack us. Our mum was pretty much a doormat when it came to dads bad behaviour.

When my sister was 17 my dad kind of semi bullied her into terminating a pregnancy which she did as we were very used to obeying his authority- her more so than me as she is naturally more introverted and I more rebellious.

My sister was quite heartbroken by it but life continued and the years rolled by as they do.

My sister is now 31 and doesn't have a bf or any children although she has made it clear she'd at some point like both. She is beautiful, happy and runs her own business. Albeit a bit of loner. She harbours resentment towards our dad for obvious reasons.

As of last year dad has been hounding me to get onto my sister to meet someone and have babies. It started off as a tease but has got more serious.

He has sent me long winded emails and texts about the subject (time is running out/ she's getting on/ her sun is setting) things that I wouldn't relay to her because of the hurt they could cause... especially "her sun is setting" just...wth

Anyway...

I keep telling him that it's suffocating to be told to hurry up and have children and that it doesn't quite work like that.

My sister messaged this morning to say that he'd texted her something about her needing to meet someone / time was ticking / he suspected she was envious of me for being married with kids and she needed to move on from the past. It's like he has Zero Self Awareness. It's actually maddening.

At first she was angered but because she couldn't cope with more of his intrusive messages and because we're both used to it she just sent him "HA HA ok. I'll think about it." and left it.

The problem is my sister depends on him to do stuff for her business and he does it for free. I wish I could help her but I honestly don't have the time.
She plans on letting him go and "breaking free" once she has earnt enough to hire someone which was looking pretty close until coronavirus hit. I think my dad knows she feels like she "needs" him rn which is why he's crossing the line and msging her bs because if she gets angry he can just stop helping out which is something he would do.

I guess I'm writing all this to ask if anyone has been in a similar situation and or has thoughtful advice from an outsiders perspective. Anything I could pass on to her?

Thankyou.

I think her plan and way of dealing with it sound pretty sensible. You should probably respond in a similar manner rather than giving it air with him - shut him down.

I think your sisters way of essentially patting him on the head and being like "Suuure old man. I'll think about it. 😉Byeeee" is actually quite a good way of coping and it can shut him up. People like your dad need someone to get into it with them cause it's like fuel in their fire but by not giving him anything it's like water on his flames.

If she needs him for now let her use him until lockdown is over and she can get back to her grind and get rid of him.

The dependability is a problem and she does need to get him out of her business but it sounds like she's got her plans to work that out anyway.

It's good you have each other to relate to and you your experiences with. You clearly care very much.

Also, my mum had me at 36 and lived her best life until I came into the world. She has options, time and if she doesn't have kids it's not the end of the world. A woman's femininity isn't based on whether or not she has kids or is married. Your sister is finding herself and that's commendable.

She's a bit stuck since she needs him since the risk of standing up for yourself is rejection or retaliation. She needs to find a way not to need him so she can tell him to F off with his judgment of her life. Her response to him was good - I usually say "Yeah, yeah, I suck" and wave it off.

I found having a pile of money in savings to be very liberating as far as saying No, standing up for myself, living my own life - because it does lead to people walking away from you, being disinherited, etc. People often want you to be a certain way and that's the only way they want you. It's sad a lot of women have to keep quiet for financial reasons.

My dad was crap during my childhood and we were often on eggshells but I currently depend on him for childcare and also feel like if I bring anything up that "displesses" him he'll stop helping out which I rely on atm due to going back to school. We do what we have to🤷🏻‍♀️!

If your dad didn't have his abortion bullying history he might be ok to gently nudge about grandkids as I think all parents do especially as your sis is 31 and obviously we do have biological clocks but given his history its very hypocritical. He can't tell your sister when to or not to have kids. Unfortunately a lot of men have grown up thinking they rule roost and get away with this type of behaviour. At least you both know better and can aim higher and end generational BS!

Why is he so desperate for her to have kids, so he can be a cunt to them too?

Sounds like a pig of a man.

His sun is the one that's setting, not your sisters.

I would suggest the stately homes thread. He's sounds incredibly toxic