DH constantly starting arguments

[araw89]

My husband has always been a bit "difficult" when it comes to disagreements. He rarely apologises or puts his hand up for being in the wrong, and more often than not an argument ends with me apologising even when I don't know what I'm apologising for.

Since lockdown I think the pressure of being together 24/7 has made things worse. I feel like he is spoiling for a fight constantly. We have been together for 7 years and up until now he has never had an issue with me calling him by his full name. All of a sudden, he wants me to start calling him by the shortened version. I don't like the shortened version personally, but if that's what he wants, fine. Well of course after 7 years of calling him one version, I'm inevitably going to forget sometimes. Apparently that's unforgivable and he goes off in a rage about how disrespectful I am...?! I don't even know where this has stemmed from.

He criticises me multiple times a day. Doesn't like where I place the water jug in the kitchen, gives me a 10 minute lecture about how I should be "respecting" the fact he wants it in a certain place. Criticises me for making genuine mistakes, like leaving the keys in the front door (again, another 10 minute lecture for that).

I just feel so trapped and crap about it. We have a 16 month old daughter together who he bothers with when he's in a good mood, but if he's feeling picky or moody he just leaves her to me to sort out. I don't feel like we're parenting together at all really and it makes me feel so sad. I've tried to make him do more like bath her, read to her, play with her, but it's almost as if he does it for a bit, gets a bit bored with it all and itches to do something else like DIY or browse through his phone.

Some of this I think stems from the fact that he can't currently see his 10 year old son as is in isolation at his mums house for 2 weeks. We usually share 50% custody but since the lockdown began it's been much less than that. I get that it must be difficult for him (I do too as DD enjoys his company). I just don't get why my husband would take it out on me though, if that is the reason.

I have tried being reasonable, being silent, treading on eggshells, and standing up for myself and being defiant. Nothing seems to work. Everything I seem to do or not do results in a lecture or an argument and I'm so sick of it.
He also likes to use my family as a "reason" for my behaviour which makes me really upset and resentful.

I don't know why I'm posting this but I just feel really helpless right now. None of my friends know about my marriage situation, my family guess that I'm unhappy and I think my mum is aware of the situation more than I let on.

Any advice welcome.

You are in an abusive, controlling relationship OP. Nobody should have to put up with constant criticism or be walking on eggshells. And what twat decides they want to be called a different name after years of being called another? It's just another way of controlling you.

You say your "D"H has always been "difficult". This is who he is.The lockdown has just brought everything more into focus. It won't get better. It is also very damaging for your daughter, especially as she gets older.

You should make plans to leave. Your mum already knows you're unhappy - could you go to her? You are allowed to leave abusive relationships, even in lockdown.

OP, you are in an abusive relationship with a bully who is using you as his emotional punching bag.

Can you pack up and go to your mothers?

I'd get the fuck out of dodge and go to my family or a friend maybe even a hotel

I would be packing up and heading out the door.

I agree ...it's an abusive relationship. Why has he told you 7 years later he prefers the shortened version of his name.

I prefer my shorter version and that's how I introduce myself to people. So if he really preferred it, that's how you would have always known him.

As for the water jug...what makes him be the king of where it goes.

A lot of people are getting snappy during lockdown... could he be missing anyone else apart from his DS?

Another one here who'd pack up bags and go, preferably while he's out at the supermarket.

You are worth so much more than this, OP. I bet if you spoke to his ex she'd tell you he was the same with her.

Wow I wasn't expecting such a definite answer from people but maybe writing it down makes it painstakingly obvious. I've spent so long in doubt and almost laughing at myself whenever I've wondered if this marriage could be deemed abusive. Right now I'm tearful because he cooked dinner, wanted to know what vegetables I wanted and when I said "umm... I don't know? Maybe greens?" he got nasty and shouted "WHAT GREENS? Greens AND carrots? WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Which really shocked me. I picked at my dinner with tears falling down my cheeks. When he asked what was wrong I asked him to not speak to me in that tone. He then defended himself and said he genuinely thinks I'm deaf and very slow in thinking and made out it was entirely my fault.

I feel stupid for being so slow in waking up to what was going on. Maybe I knew but didn't want to believe it to be the case.

I don't know where I would go if I leave. I think this is the first time I've considered it more than just fantasised. Staying at my parents isn't really an option with daughter in tow. They only have a spare box room. How on earth do you consider moving out with a 16 month old? He would undoubtedly demand I return home if I did go anywhere. I'm also very financially dependent on him.

You could go to your parents for the time being. If this was your daughter would you want her staying with an abusive bully? Even a boxroom would be better than being with him.

Information here:

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

Get help here:
www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

Take care OP.

I second the PP who suggested Women's Aid. I used to be in a marriage like yours, and I put up with it and put up with it for too many years and it made me ill, physically and mentally. He won't change. There is no magic thing that you can do or say, no 'right' way to behave, because he will just keep on moving the goal posts. He knows exactly what he's doing. Men like this always do. They manage not to treat people at work like that, or their mates like that. It's not you. He doesn't have the emotional tools in the box to be an adult, whether as a partner or a parent.
Ask for help, you can do this.

A box room is better than what you’ve got right now! He’s awful. You know this. Screaming at you about vegetables. This is a shit life for you and you cannot carry on like this. Pack a bag for you and your daughter. Go stay with your parents and get some breathing space. He’s treating you like this because he knows he has you trapped. Show him you won’t put up with it

I bet his 1st wife's so relieved to be shot of him. You've already had good advice on here about this petty, abusive arsehole so hopefully once lockdown lifted you'll have gotten rid of this dementor. I did wonder whether on meeting and getting with him, he told you his previous failed relationship was all his ex's fault...

Go to your Mum. At least you'll be with loved ones, they'll make space for you. You'll have peace in which to call Women's Aid, who will give you lots of useful advice too. Before you go can you photograph copies of important documents such as bank statements, his ID etc. Don't make a big announcement to him about leaving, just quietly get yourself sorted.

Do remember he can't insist you come back - He is not the boss of you.

If my dh spoke to me like that he would be wearing greens and carrots.
You do your dd no favours growing up thinking this is a normal healthy relationship. Leave. Claim benefits. Be safe.
He can't force you to go back.

I packed up and left an abusive dh while he was at work.
Borrowed money from a relative. Ndn helped me move. A judge decided when he saw the dc.

Bless you. You seem really lovely. I'm sorry this is happening to you and I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Sometimes people grind others down because they feel bad/jealous/resentful etc. It could be the case here and it's not normal.

You decide what your boundaries are but he's picking up on weird stuff here and they are definitely red flags. I hate to say that it would be an idea to keep a bag for you and your baby to hand.

I'd rather be in a peaceful box room ANYDAY than be subjected to that nasty abusive excuse of a man.

Being in a box room will not harm your darling child.

Growing up around him most certainly will.

OP, in a week or a month or a year, he will physically hurt you. He'll then tell you why it was your fault, and you'll believe him. Your daughter will grow up thinking that's how men treat women. One day, he'll start on her too. Please leave. Even to a box room.

He thinks you're deaf and slow and that makes it okay for him to shout at you and never apologise? What an absolute twat

You'll feel much better once you've done it OP.

It is possible to leave, you can do this!

He's an abusive wanker!

Why can’t he see his son - but nether the less he’s abusive and a shit father and partner.
He’s trying to under mine you. Maybe he can see how isolated you currently are and has chosen this time to ramp it up.
Sorry your in this situation.
Google grey rock technique - it may help.
It’s not you it’s him. Please remember this.
You deserve better.

@thesuninsagittarius has summed up my experience perfectly as well. I'm so sorry. He sounds a lot like my stbxh and I remember sitting in tears eating my dinner in front of my kids because he'd had a huge tantrum that my toddler had wrecked a plant in the garden. I told him I wanted out in November after 20 years and 3 kids and things are only getting better. Please let your mum help if you have a good relationship with her. xx

Believe me, once you are not being used as an emotional whack-a-mole on a daily basis, you will have a much clearer head to figure out your next steps re living situation, finances etc. Right now all your energy is likely being used on pure survival.

Leave - as soon as you safely can - talk it through with
Women's Aid if you can (next time he takes himself off)

I bet if you called your mum and told her, that she'd want you to go to her straightaway.

So ring your mum. And then pack some stuff and leave. Make sure you take yours and your DDs birth certificates and passports

You deserve so much better than this (and your DD) if this means spending a few months in your parents box room, so be it. Everything will work out for you - good luck