I need help. He won't let me end the relationship and I have no where to go

[Katiebx]

I'm not even sure where to start. I've been with my partner for 13 years, we have 3 children. He's horrible to me and I can't believe it's been that long. He's a bully who'll scream and shout in my face as soon as something upsets him, hes so disrespectful, calls me every name and I hate him.

He has all our savings in his account as that's his money, we're not married, we bought out house two years ago with the deposit from all of my inheritance. I've asked him to leave so many times and he wont, I haven't got anywhere to go and I don't want to leave our children with him.

Lock down has amplified it all 10 times and I really don't think I can cope much longer. I work and have my own money but only part time, no where near enough to even rent a one or two bed and cover bills.

Where do I start? How can I get out of this.

I’m sure others will be along soon with better advice.But I’ve been where you are,Long term abusive partner with 3 children and a mortgage.I did leave and finally got a council house quickly as we were considered priority.There is help even at this difficult time x

Is it possible you can call Women’s aid.You don’t always get through straight away but leave a number and they always call back if it’s safe to do so x

Your options are:

1. Dial 101 and contact the police. They have powers to remove him from the property for 48 hours. He can't contact you or return in that time. That can be extended to 28 days.

1. Contact the NCDV who can give you advice on an Occupation Order. An Occupation Order regulates the family home. It may not be applicable to you but I don't know the circumstances, so call them.

1. Contact Shelter and get advice. Have your mortgage details to hand and any other info on the property.

1. Contact Rights of Women who can advise on your rights.

In the meantime, do not tell him you have plans to have him removed as he may escalate his behaviour.

I'd lock him out and take your chances with the law. Change the locks.

Alternative is that every single time he screams in your face - you simply call 999.

For a start, stop giving him your wages. Then read this:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/

A few questions: Can you prove that you contributed to any of the savings he holds in his name? Try to put together a paper trail. Do you own the house as joint tenants or tenants in common? What kind of paperwork was drawn up to safeguard your contribution to the deposit? Who is paying the mortgage?

You may legal advice at some point, but start by asking here - poster Cicerokid is a very experienced and helpful solicitor:

www.lemonfool.co.uk/viewforum.php?f=2&sid=6a6707231a3356c6b2c6fd95397d626e

You may be able to get what is known as an Occupation Order if you can show that you and/or your children suffer significant harm from your partner:

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-occupation

Sorry you are going through this

If the house is in his name as well, he has a legal right to be there. What he can do is break in and make good the repair. He can change the locks himself or get a key cut.

If you ring 101, the first thing you'll hear, is if a crime is underway now and call 999. If he's screaming in your face, that's a crime. So call 999.

*hang up and call 999

Thank you all.

The house is in both our names, we are joint tenants, he pays the mortgage but it's paid through my account, he transfers in it before it comes out.

I'm not sure I'd be eliagble for a occupation order as he's not violent, he's grabbed me by my face twice before but a long time ago.

I've emailed womens aid, hopefully they can help somehow.

Just remember that you can get help from 999 if he's violently aggressive. Please remember that.

Does he have somewhere else he can go?

He could go to his mums, she has a spare room there and would welcome him back. He just refuses. He says he'll only leave if we buy a second house for him which is ridiculous. We just about managed to get this one.

Prontoe, would the police help if he's just screaming and shouting? He's not violent and has a good way of making it all my fault.

Please, please seek legal advice. You need to know where you stand legally, particularly regarding your inheritance and the joint savings.

Also, be aware that there is more to domestic abuse than actual physical violence. Womens Aid states that "Domestic abuse can include, but is not limited to, the following:
Coercive control (a pattern of intimidation, degradation, isolation and control with the use or threat of physical or sexual violence)
Psychological and/or emotional abuse [2]
Physical or sexual abuse
Financial or economic abuse
Harassment and stalking
Online or digital abuse"

The CPS guidelines state that "Domestic abuse, or domestic violence, is defined across Government as any incident of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of their gender or sexuality."

There is also a Legal Matters board here at Mumsnet. Remember, knowledge is power.
Passivity won't get you anywhere. You must act and take charge of your future, for your children's sake as much as your own.

Have you stopped making it comfortable there for him? Make sure he knows that you are speaking permanently and no making food for him, no doing his washing, separate bedrooms even if you have to go in with your DC or they have to all share. Don't engage with him. Call 999 if he becomes aggressive.
Have you already done that?

Spell check error b- not speaking permanently - meant to be separating permanently

We've been in separate rooms for quite a while, I get in with our youngest. I'll stop the washing and cooking now however I'll bet he'll probably stop giving my money for food shopping. That shouldn't matter too much though. I just wish he'd leave, the things he says about me I'm not sure why he wants to be here anyway.

Of course you can call the police if he is screaming.
He has grabbed your face before.
He's scaring you.
You can be sure he's sxaring the children.
He is financially abusing you.

If he starts screaming, call the police, tell them you are scared and want him out.

Stick to being scared and wanting him out of the house.
Tell the police you are waiting for Women's Aid to get back to you.

Quite a lot going on here to untangle and compartmentalise so that you can all get through this safely and swiftly.

The financial settlements following a separation do not reflect any wrong doing by either party. It is a legal separation of assets. So this is where you need professional advice so that you don’t put a foot wrong and compromise the outcome. You need get your ducks in a row, have evidenced paper-trails of transactions fully documented as advised by professionals. You need to do this safely out of his sight otherwise it could provoke his anger and he could withdraw all of the joint savings. Cards close to chest. This will take a good few months to settle I would imagine. So this is an long game.

However the escalation of the emotional abuse requires immediate action. You cannot put yourself at risk. Whilst this is ongoing you need to appreciate that your DCs seeing, hearing or even sensing verbal abuse is classified as emotional child abuse by the NSPCC. Your DCs will have absorbed and internalised this emotional violence - it leaves them confused and fearful with a huge risk of behavioural issues related to severe anxiety and long term chronic MH issues in adulthood. This is your priority to get your DCs out of this v harmful toxic environment. I hope that there are friends and family can step up to help and support you all emotionally.